Alhamdulillah thumal hamdulillah thummal hamdulillah i'm in my right mind again.. huhuhihi 😊
i've done a bit of reflecting and soul defining/searching moments..
i think i forgive u.. not because i hv feelings for u.. or because what u did wsnt wrong.. not because i want u back.. but because u too just like me are Allah's creation.. we have flaws.. ur flaws myb in one aspect while my flaws myb in another aspect.. the fact that u din't do the appropriate thing is something that i hv to live with and accept.. as part of what was meant to be.. and i accept that myb what u said about me was rite.. but at the end of the day.. i hope we will be just fine.. u with ur choice and me with mine..
being wrong doesnt make us evil, it means we're human.. and hving courage is to admit to them and apologise..
so i let u go.. be free.. and find peace.. and happiness.. as i would hope for myself..
ps: okayyy i think im so jiwang.. bt i hope this is the last of it.. haha i pun da rs malas nk baca my post.. so bosan.. move on pls.. there's so much to look forward too.. bt well u know, the thoughts, they come and go.. rite.. nk settle kn my puase and gearing into ramadhan month inshaAllah.. اللهم بلغنا رمضان oh Allah please let us meet ramadhan again.. ameen and myb just myb being an FMS is not so bad 😉
so this is how it feels when our trust is betrayed
or when someone doesnt have the decency to tell u what's happening until u figure out yourself..
it's one way or the other.. hearts will be broken.. please be the better man and be honest..
apologies can be given.. mistakes can be rectified.. but mistreatment will be hard to forget
they say things happen for a reason..
maybe it ws my mistake all along? something that i needed reminding?
perhaps a reminder that i should be closer to You? that i have long strayed from my mutabaah amal? from reading mathurat in the car? from hafal quran? from reading the meanings? or from putting my tawakul and trust in You?
perhaps what we wanted were on parallel lines, never meant to meet up anywhere?
perhaps Allah has a better plan?
perhaps its a lesson utk bersangka baik dgn Allah?
this too shall pass inshAllah
so what if im emotional?
because what u did ws still unacceptable
so 2 years ago on this date my beloved brother in law and his parents passed away..
i can still remember that night as it was like yesterday still vivid in my mind.. i'm sure my sister remebers it even more clearly..
he was a very kindhearted person, always the smiley easygoing husband to my sister.. never heard him complained.. i supposed Allah has a better plan for both of them.. i'm sure of that..there's still a part of our lives that was borrowed and returned back to its owner..
i'm not sure why but today feels a bit gloomy eventhough the weather isn't as bad.. i suppose that's the feeling when a part of us goes missing..
may roh arwah hilmi and his parents ditempatkan bersama2 orang2 soleh ameen..
"it's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
inshaAllah He has a better plan for us
i'm thinking now maybe i'm not meant to get married.. haha mcm da putus asa kan.. nope.. inshAllah need to put my focus back to what's important..
terasa nak nyanyi lagu ni pulak 'u can tell everybody, yeah u can tell everyboday, go ahead and tell everybody.. i'm the man i'm the man i'm the mannn... yes i am yes i am yes i am..." 😂
it's been a while since i've been to usrah.. so to fill up my empty heart, i've been listening to yasmin mogahed's talk on youtube.. Alhamdulillah she's a very entertaining and passionate speaker..
the talk was titled the four types of power to remove weakness.. essentially it was based on the ayat
so the take home messages for me are:
1. always be humble when u make a mistake and don't try to put the blame on others but admit that we have wronged ourselves and try to change.. because that is the difference between Nabi Adam A.S and iblis after eating buah khuld.. Nabi Adam didn't blame iblis for seducing him but instead admit it was his wrongdoingand repent to Allah
2. "whatever we focus on, grows"
to always focus on the solution and not the problem.. because what we focus on will become bigger.. if we focus on the problem we will only see the problem as getting bigger because fear will come in but if we focus on the solution, it will give us a way out
3. remember that in every trapped situation/problem, Allah is always with us.. never lose faith e.g Nabi Musa and Bani israil in fronth of the red sea
so today i woke up at 4.30 am to prepare sahur.. yup i'm into training for our soon to come ramadhan.. yippee yay yay! this the best month ever and i'm really looking forward to it inshaAllah...
anywhooo, i haven't finished repaying my puase..(puase ganti).. thus the reason why i am preparing sahur for my ganti puase today.. i'm thinking i'll be needing a heavy sahur since today i am also oncall.. and tmrw i'm also oncall.. herher.. may my oncalls be peaceful ameen..
if all goes well hopefully i can puase also tmrw since i hv about 10 more days to cover sobs sobs.. gambareh!! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
okay it feels really good to wake up this early.. if i were in bristol i would hv gone for an early morning jog.. but don't think i can do it here..quite worried about the safety level in malaysia at the moment.. kids being kidnapped, people being shot, murder here and there, not to mention the rasuah, kronism, menjatuhkn orang lain aaah scary world this is.. haha suddenly this has become so depressing.. lol it's okay.. do one thing at a time, at least try to improve ourself first since that's the only thing we can control anyway..
hehe so my new addiction is joining runs.. its a new resolution my sisters and i planned.. every month to enter at least one fun run.. haha it's not because of the hype but more of wanting to be healthy in a motivating way.. after the run we joined at ioi city we all felt really refreshed albeit only for 5 km..hehe it's probably the endorphins talking. so our next one next month will b in putrajaya inshaAllah
and Alhamdulillah i've found a new place to stay.. yay! i'll b moving in next month.. although tis a bit expensive i'm quite satisfied with it.. let's hope i've made a good decision inshaAllah..
anddd i received a text from a friend yesterday.. we haven't contacted for quite a while since we finished our HO.. he texted me to invite me to his wedding nxt month.. haha yes, a person i once had feelings for.. anyway, i'm really happy for them since i know they've been together for some time and it was quite nice receiving a personal invite.. and it felt like home..i guess some people just is smooth with people.. haha i miss that feeling of being home with someone..like u cn let ur guard down.. because the other person is a nice person.. and ur not afraid of being judged by the other person.. because he/she will always hv ur back..
haha okay enough of my early morning rambling.. i finished my nasi goreng for sahur and air kosong.. hopefully it will last me throughout the day.. wish me luck hihuu 😋😋
Alhamdulillah today is my brithday hehe yay!! i'm ehem ehem years old but still 19 at heart haha 😂
i took an annual leave today.. it was nice waking up not having to rush and go to work todayy.. had a nice simple breakfast with my family mama, abah, als and dids before they went for work..
sweet thing is, mama took leave for me as well huhu since her classes haven't started yet and she knew i ws on leave as well..
so we went shopping.. she asked me if i wanted a birthday cake.. and i said i think i may just want a piece, i think i'm too old for a whole cake huhuhu 🙊
and i told her i teringin nk try kedai cake jalan tiung in shah alam.. so we went there and......
it was closed sobs
it opens wed - fri
so we headed back and had our lunch at sepiring (mama's favourite) and met up with als there..
in the afternoon i went swimming..hihi managed 5 laps as usual Alhamdulillah.. and it was raining.. felt like i was at sea with ombak2 sket hahah
anywayyyy, i'm really grateful to hv spent the day with mama..i shared a bit about my life with her.. the good and not so good ones.. and had my ears open to her stories as well.. reminded me a lot about my schooling days when she was a housewife at the time, i would find her lying on the bed taking a nap.. without changing my uniform i would lie down beside her.. then she would open her eyes and asked how my day was.. i would look up at the ceiling and tell her everything.. my fights with my bff and etc..
mama, thanks for giving birth to me 29 years ago.. and for bearing with me although i'm not the most ideal daughter
i just need to let this out.. there r times when u doubt urself.. but then u understand that certain things are out of our power.. and u return it back to the One.. hoping that everything will be okayy inshaAllah..
"to love is to accept the greatness and flaws of each other" - nmj
everyday is a process of learning to love the ppl around me. i realize it makes the environment more enjoyable and makes my collegues more fun to be around 😆
if i havent said it yet,
have a wonderful and properous and blessed new year iA :)
yes we've come into another year.. and today is the 2nd page of a freshly opened new book.
Alhamdulillah yesterday i started the year with something beneficial.. i hope its a good predictor of what's to come..
so i joined the free clinic for rohingya under imaret yesterday.. it's my third time joining the medical clinic.. the first one was in 2015 when i was still a houseman at melaka hosp and it was held at depot tahanan imegresen somewhere near broga. and last year i joined once a free clinic for syrian refugees. initially i went alone to these activities and now i'm so glad i hv a friend who shares the same passion so we usually carpool together 😊
i hope i can continue contributing to society..
i may not be rich and may not be able to contribute a lot financially. but everyone has their own ways of giving back that can add to their worth and make them valuable. especially in these tough times.
but alas whatever it is, its the niat that counts.. innamala'malubinniyat..
verily one's worth of deed depends on their niyat..
being ikhlas and ihsan is very difficult but not impossible to strive for.. 💪🏻
may Allah be pleased with us inshaAllah
welcoming 2017 with optimism, love and a warm heart...
ps: need to plan for my family trip soon.. better get a headstart.. bye
i ws sitting in clinic today and came an 84 yr old lady for her appointment. so i asked if she's been taking her meds. and she replied with the usual. as i was writing her prescription she mentioned,"oh so young.. doctor, ur so young.." which in clinic setting is never a compliment.. i just smiled, then she carried on by saying "doctor banyak cantik" which was a nice surprise haha so i said, "yeke aunty? thank you" and i was quite struggling to find her a compliment so i just said,"wah aunty pun banyak baik".. but in my heart i just wanted to say "aunty, mybe its time to get ur eyes checked"...
assalamualaikum world hehe.. it's been a while hasn't it.. hope ur doing well 😊
today i had a psychiatry course at hkl..then had a meetup with my dear friend Zaween..and suddenly i really miss the hospital environment.. seeing the doctors with the white coats and missing my HO days in Melaka..
anyway, since i decided to stay in kepong today, i'm missing my family at home.. and it got me thinking about my parents.. um since my borther in law passed away i think my parents have sacrificed and done so much for my sister and her kids.. and i'm so grateful to Allah for providing us with parents who are very supportive and capable emotionally, physically and financially in helping their child in times of need. Alhamdulillah. and i truly think that their 'jasa' cannot be repaid by us and may Allah grant them jannah. there's a hadith saying that if a father makes her daughter happy then the reward is jannah but i don't have the reference on it so pls don't quote me on that.
Jabir ibn ‘Abdullah reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Anyone who has three daughters and provides for them, clothes them and shows mercy to them will definitely enter the Garden.” A man from the people said, “And two daughters, Messenger of Allah?” He (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “And two.”
anyway, eventhough it talks about a fathers palce, there is also a high place /reward for mothers. mama is surely one very caring, compassionate, and somewhat at time has labile moods but she is our one and only mother and i love her for that. eventhough at times i may not understand her but she has sacrificed so much for us and i need to learn to become more patient so i can tolerate her better. and help her more around the house. i wish i had a lot of money so i can hire a maid to help her out. and so my mama can di anything she wants.
i remember a friend saying to me that since my sister is taking care of her children alone how about we take care of them? and i was so furious with that suggestion. how can one take away children from their parents when the children is the backbone or strength got my sister. i remember being angry and since i'm emotionally reserved, i couldnt voice out what i thought and i just gave a cold shoulder instead. and tonite i'm not really sure why i'm thinking about this.
myb it has something to do with the psych course i'm attending. hmmh
anyway, i still have the psych course tmrw and need to get there early for parking.
assalamualaikum.. how r u? so today i am on leave but im working. i felt bored at home so i'm doing locum. haha
yesterday was hari raya aidil adha. a celebration of sacrifice one has made to gain Allah's love and mercy.
for me it was only a humble celebration at home. we dint blk kampung because mama din't feel well. we went to my aunty's house. i learnt a lot about how cancer pts felt. i never knew it before this. how anyday can be a the day when one finds out the ca has resurfaced. or how long they may hv until the body succumbs and its time to say goodbye. i always thought that the silver lining of having an incurable disease is knowing that u have acertajn period of time left. therefore one can work their best and do more good deeds to meet their lord. but then again, will one ever feel brave enough to meet death? and say i'm ready to die. and feel satisfied with one's deed. indeed death is a terifying matter which everyone will hv to go through. ready or not. 😭
i learnt bout khauf and raja'. about hoping that your deeds are accepted and feeling afraid that what u r doing is not enough for Him. and lastly at your deathbed, when u can do no more, u have to bersangka baik that Allah will accept your deeds.
how la. mulianya hati itu bila boleh berserah segalanya kepada Allah.
yes, i woke up early today and i'm in quite a good mood Alhamdulillah.
don't u love the feeling of waking up early and feeling refreshed after having a good quality night's sleep? okay, so maybe most of the time i wake up feeling groggy haha so today Alhamdulillah i feel refreshed and grateful.
recently i've been listening to a video by jay shetty, a motivational speaker from the UK. he was talking about how one never stops learning in life. i love one of his saying that sometimes we go through similar scenarios in life and maybe we were meant to go through them for us to find the lesson behind it. until then, we will repeatedly go though it to learn from it.
i think it's true.
last week was merdeka week. like usual i go for my weekly swim. i was supposed to finish work at 4.30pm so i had ample time to catch my swim session at 6pm. i was looking forward to it until a patient who i saw earlier in clinic and who i thought had gone home came back to see me around 4.20pm and i had to settle their issues until 5pm. i din't have the heart to pass the case over to my collegue since the uncle had quite a lot problems. so ended up i was late, couldn't go for my swim. and seeming that it is rare occasion that i get to finish work at 4.30pm. i was angry. but at who i wasn't sure. haha. initially it was the patient. why had he have to come back just about 10mins before i was due to go home. then i was angry at myself for not passing over the case. but then i became angry at the whole situation. and then i was just angry without a reason. haha. i'm slightly pathetic. i know
so i calmed myself down. then i thought, never mind, i can go swim for another day. so the next day i tried again but it was merdeka week and a few roads were closed and traffic rerouted so the roads were extremely busy. and i din't make it in time for my swim. Again.
but this time i felt different. i was more composed. more calm. i thought about why had i been put in this situation twice. trying to achieve something but yet again failed. and i thought, maybe Allah is teaching me a lesson here. maybe He want's me to depend on Him. to understand that although we make plans, He is always mightier and more powerful to allow it to happen. and it my case, it din't happen and i wasn't able to go for swim. but it was okay, because it was a lesson i was supposed to learn. about being patient. about being humble. and about acknowledging the fact that we are mere mortals who are weak and powerless.
and through out the drive, it made me calm. and it was kind to my heart as well. maybe that is His plan all along.
it's amazing how one's perspective can change.
till then, keep well and smile.
hi world.. its me again.. okay, so today's writing is only meant for me..
im cranky and moody.. it might be my pms..😭
they say happiness comes from within.. i'm not sure i wanna believe that..
partly it is true.. but i also find being grateful is a part of happiness which one can achieve by looking at their surroundings and what one has ahieved.. and then the other rebellious side of me now thinks that happy endings are justa fairy tale and only exists in heaven.. ah slowly i feel like i'm giving up on life 😭
don't worry i still have insight and i am not yet depressed but yes i am moody and broody
hmm yes i'm actually sad, sad that some things may not end up the way i want it to be.. i know they say, "well, that's life" and acceptance is a very tough lesson to learn.. currently i seem to be failing.. very bad.. sobs, i feel like crying..myb i will.. before i go to bed today..
my friend said to me, if its meant to be, its meant to be, if its not then its also God's will..
okay i'm feeling like crying now.. hopefully my next entry i'll pass my pms state and become euthymic again.. ahh this is so hard, please be strong heart
kami datang berayerrrr... nak duit rayerrr bolehhh? hehe
so Alhamdulillah we've completed 30 days of Ramadhan and we're now at Day 6 of syawal.. and i'm really missing Ramdhan..
how've u been?
i suddenly miss writing huhuhihi..
yes, i find that writing gives me some calmness through the calamity..
recently ive been reminded about a few things.
how everthing goes back to Allah and how He is the best planner.
I think i'm currently in the process of rectifying my life's compass.. to be close again to Allah.. it's not something easy..
previously i would find a nice place and i would talk to Allah during my private time. I would tell him my worries, i would depend on Him and i would tell Him my hopes and dreams. i don't why I've changes now. myb it's because lack of time, or just plain lazy. either way, it's just an excuse. i'm training myself to once again confide in Him again. doakan sy berjaya ye.
a few things i've learnt this pass month:
1. men are all the same. yes, the pessimist side of me just feels like giving up on the opposite sepcies. i'm trying to find peace with the fact that i may just not get married. but at least i want my life to be purposeful and ikhlas for Him. because at the end pf the day everyone will die. single or married is just a status.
2. i just warhed ice age: collision course yesterday with my adorable and googly eyed nephews. and surprisingly, i really loved it. i'm proud to say it is one of my hall of fame listed movies. although it's just a cartoon it has so many great messages. like how eventhough everyone knew that a meteor was going to hit them and it would cause massive destruction everone worked together to do something and not just sit around and wait for the end of the world. it's like one of Rasulullah's hadith which goes along the lines of tanamlah biji kurma walaupun qiamat itu esok. ok this is very crude but it means that u have to try even if there's little time left. because Allah looks at ur efforts and not the outcome.
i feel it hits me right on the head because i feel like we are really close to the end of the world now. just look at the catastrophe around the globe. one after the other. it's like even the earth would be glad to not have to handle humans anymore. and even if that's the case, we shouldn't give up but we should instead work harder. i know it's easier said than done. haih, just makes me think that i should further my studies. in what? right now mrcp is one of the most potential one.
3. thirdly, the value of money and hardwork. since money doesn't grow on trees and for raya i had to spent quite a bit, i think i need to fo some OT to pay it back. and while i hv the time i should make hood use of it.
right, i think i've done most of my babbling.. i'll write to update again later.. till we meet again.. nakk duit rayerrr pleaeeash..