once in a while.. when things become quiet.. my thoughts suddenly race back.. to the time when i thought i was happy.. but i wasn't.. when i thought i had met the one who cared enough about and was thoughtful enough to make me laugh.. but he wasn't.. how could i not see it coming?
sometimes i wonder.. am i too quick this time.. but being a mere mortal.. it was never under my power.. so i return it back to Allah.. with hopes He will give me what is best dunia and akhirat.. inshAllah Ameen..
Alhamdulillah this week of eid break is comingg to an end tmrw.. it's been an interesting one nevertheless.. u know when mat sallehs say interesting means u'r trying to be positive but there were some kind of weird things that happened.. i suppose that's the connotation i have with the word..
so anyway, on the day of eid we had the prayer at home.. although its an annual event to go to the mosque for the eid prayers, this year abah was down with the flu.. so we decided not to go to the mosque since no one will b home to look after abah.. thus, we had the eid prayers and takbir in the living room.. it was a nice one nevertheless..
then we had the makan2.. and then pak ngah and his fanily came to visit.. Alhamdulillah there was a bit of sharing session.. it was an impromptu session but i felt it really 'basahkan' my soul yang dah kekeringan tazkirah/usrah.. they talked about tauhid and how we need to learn and kenal Allah.. how we need to realize that every aspect of our lives is controlled by Allah.. the hand or fingers that we move is not actually moved byus but by the power of Allah.. even as i'm typing and the thoughts that i have is not from me.. it's by the power of Allah and from Allah orders.. makes me feel so small that nothing in this world belongs to me but i owe everything in the world to Allah.. that all the wealth, intelligence, good looks etc is not ours or due to us but because Allah wills for us to have it.. therefore there's no need for riak/takbur/ujub since nothing belongs to us.. and how we should realise that all the ibadah e.g 5 wajib prayers that we do is not a favour for Allah but it is part of our responsibility to Him..
mashaAllah i know it may sound trivial and u may have known it all but having someone close to u remind u that your ibadah is not just acts of tunggang terbalik but there's a deeper meaning and understanding behind our ibadah..
i forget sometimes that i have to pray supaya Allah bukakan jalan/temukan dengan org utk tambahkn ilmu to understand islam and semoga ilmu yg kita dapat itu ilmu yang benar and tidak sesat inshaAllah
i pray i can meet someone who reminds me of islam and pulls me back to the straight path if ever i start to stray or become senget sket since i have many flaws.. i hope this doa is not too much since i know i'm not a really good person and don't deserve someone like that.. but i really hope at least i can meet someone i can discuss about islam with.. and not feel weird after that.. and beramal better after that.. ameen
a servant to Allah who most of the time forgets her place, and needs a bit of heart to heart every now and then to remind her of where she stands,
ps: please make me among hambaMu yang engkau redha Ameen
so today is a public holiday for nuzul quran.. which means a day to celebrate the 1st day the quran was being taught to us humans i.e: prophet Muhammad saw..it was on the 17th ramadhan and the first ayat was iqra' bismirabbikallazi khalaq.. which meant read.. in the name of Allah the creator..
my mom says it should be a day we learn more about the quran.. but instead i'm reading a book.. one of my faaaaaavourite bimbo-ish book that speaks to me really well..my faaavourite author sophie kinsella's 'my not so perfect life'.. although i'm barely half way through it.. i cn feel the subject is so much like me.. i think a lot to myself.. but keeps quite.. disagrees with most of the things and then at the end, i explode when things go way outta hand.. okay its not really a good trait.. but that's life.. and there are other people like that too.. just so u dont look at me like an alien.. 👽
nerd alert 🚨
anyway, i love it because it makes me take my mind off other displeasing, stressful and sad things.. and allows me a few giggles here and there 😊🤓
okay.. probably need to catch up on my tadarus in a bit.. myb listen to a ceramah on utube.. and go find some stuff later..
i saw the video of chris martin singing this song on stage this morning with his german fan playing the piano.. i'm a huuuuge fan of chris martin.. he seems like a very genuine kind hearted good humoured british lad.. 😍😍😍 on top of having such a mellow dreamy distinct voice.. so many adjectives 😂 really love this song..
the romantic in me has spoken 😂
maybe it has to do with all the wrong things happening in this world now.. the bully case in upnm, terror attack in london, the boycott on qatar.. makes me feel death is near.. life is short..
do things that make u happy.. even if others may not like u for who u are.. have a good niat.. life is short..
need to gear up on my tadarus lepas ni since skrg hv to take a break..
i woke up this morning with a nightmare.. the dream was about a certain someone..
i woke up and it made me cry.. i went to take a hot shower.. cried while in the shower.. and performed my prayers..
i thought i was already okay.. i suppose i'm heading there.. in the medical field, when u've lost someone to a disease or passed away.. they say its normal to hv 6 weeks of bereavement.. i'll try to aim for less.. since that someone is still alive.. just that probably gone from my life..
i kept thinking why was i so easily cheated.. blinded.. i thought it was real.. but it wasnt..
i'm never one that shows my vulnerability unless u r someone i trust.. there's a handful of people i would trust my life with.. u were going to be one.. i was going to tell u that .. but u crushed my heart.. and so easily u did it.. giving me an answer.. which my only option was to walk away..
they say once u've experienced a heartbreak or heartache.. u would try to prevent others from having to experience the same hurt and pain.. at least that's what i try to practice.. i couldn't understand why u din't do the same..
i suppose my previous entry for the grammar thing was actually a low blow to that someone.. probably i was still bitter and still hurt.. i apologise
anyway, Alhamdulillah.. i feel a lot better now.. tq dear blog for being there since 2008.. we've aged well together 😂 and tq for being loyal.. traits that r honestly so hard to find now 😏
just as Allah brought Nabi Musa and his followers out of their dead end.. i pray Allah will help me the same way.. inshaAllah
please pray for me whoever u are
p/s waiting for subuh
sometimes i do still miss u.. myb the thought of u.. but not the u that played me like a fiddle
i'm really happy cuz it means i can put my focus somewhere else..
today i had to take mc..so unlike me.. well i have gastroenteritis.. yesterday i did work late and asked someone to buy me food for iftar.. i think somehow the food wasn't going great with my tummy.. had some vomiting and diarhoea.. and a bit of fever when i checked at the clinic.. am really glad i got to rest..
so i saw some things today that i wasn't supposed to see.. or purposely told myself not to see.. u know how everyone has their pet peeves? someone might not take it if the other person is late (flips hair).. and well, i think mine might be grammar.. kay, hate to admit it bt i might hv just a tiny bit of a grammar nazi in me.. i don't really mind if its verbal.. but if its written it kinda makes me cringe a little when reading it..not to say that i'm sooo good in english.. far from that, the ones that make me cringe is if its like really basic grammar.. i don't really mind about spelling..
so i accidentally saw it today and i cringed.. and thought "right.. its definitely over.. "
Alhamdulillah thumal hamdulillah thummal hamdulillah i'm in my right mind again.. huhuhihi 😊
i've done a bit of reflecting and soul defining/searching moments..
i think i forgive u.. not because i hv feelings for u.. or because what u did wsnt wrong.. not because i want u back.. but because u too just like me are Allah's creation.. we have flaws.. ur flaws myb in one aspect while my flaws myb in another aspect.. the fact that u din't do the appropriate thing is something that i hv to live with and accept.. as part of what was meant to be.. and i accept that myb what u said about me was rite.. but at the end of the day.. i hope we will be just fine.. u with ur choice and me with mine..
being wrong doesnt make us evil, it means we're human.. and hving courage is to admit to them and apologise..
so i let u go.. be free.. and find peace.. and happiness.. as i would hope for myself..
ps: okayyy i think im so jiwang.. bt i hope this is the last of it.. haha i pun da rs malas nk baca my post.. so bosan.. move on pls.. there's so much to look forward too.. bt well u know, the thoughts, they come and go.. rite.. nk settle kn my puase and gearing into ramadhan month inshaAllah.. اللهم بلغنا رمضان oh Allah please let us meet ramadhan again.. ameen and myb just myb being an FMS is not so bad 😉
so this is how it feels when our trust is betrayed
or when someone doesnt have the decency to tell u what's happening until u figure out yourself..
it's one way or the other.. hearts will be broken.. please be the better man and be honest..
apologies can be given.. mistakes can be rectified.. but mistreatment will be hard to forget
they say things happen for a reason..
maybe it ws my mistake all along? something that i needed reminding?
perhaps a reminder that i should be closer to You? that i have long strayed from my mutabaah amal? from reading mathurat in the car? from hafal quran? from reading the meanings? or from putting my tawakul and trust in You?
perhaps what we wanted were on parallel lines, never meant to meet up anywhere?
perhaps Allah has a better plan?
perhaps its a lesson utk bersangka baik dgn Allah?
this too shall pass inshAllah
so what if im emotional?
because what u did ws still unacceptable
so 2 years ago on this date my beloved brother in law and his parents passed away..
i can still remember that night as it was like yesterday still vivid in my mind.. i'm sure my sister remebers it even more clearly..
he was a very kindhearted person, always the smiley easygoing husband to my sister.. never heard him complained.. i supposed Allah has a better plan for both of them.. i'm sure of that..there's still a part of our lives that was borrowed and returned back to its owner..
i'm not sure why but today feels a bit gloomy eventhough the weather isn't as bad.. i suppose that's the feeling when a part of us goes missing..
may roh arwah hilmi and his parents ditempatkan bersama2 orang2 soleh ameen..
"it's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
inshaAllah He has a better plan for us
i'm thinking now maybe i'm not meant to get married.. haha mcm da putus asa kan.. nope.. inshAllah need to put my focus back to what's important..
terasa nak nyanyi lagu ni pulak 'u can tell everybody, yeah u can tell everyboday, go ahead and tell everybody.. i'm the man i'm the man i'm the mannn... yes i am yes i am yes i am..." 😂
it's been a while since i've been to usrah.. so to fill up my empty heart, i've been listening to yasmin mogahed's talk on youtube.. Alhamdulillah she's a very entertaining and passionate speaker..
the talk was titled the four types of power to remove weakness.. essentially it was based on the ayat
so the take home messages for me are:
1. always be humble when u make a mistake and don't try to put the blame on others but admit that we have wronged ourselves and try to change.. because that is the difference between Nabi Adam A.S and iblis after eating buah khuld.. Nabi Adam didn't blame iblis for seducing him but instead admit it was his wrongdoingand repent to Allah
2. "whatever we focus on, grows"
to always focus on the solution and not the problem.. because what we focus on will become bigger.. if we focus on the problem we will only see the problem as getting bigger because fear will come in but if we focus on the solution, it will give us a way out
3. remember that in every trapped situation/problem, Allah is always with us.. never lose faith e.g Nabi Musa and Bani israil in fronth of the red sea
so today i woke up at 4.30 am to prepare sahur.. yup i'm into training for our soon to come ramadhan.. yippee yay yay! this the best month ever and i'm really looking forward to it inshaAllah...
anywhooo, i haven't finished repaying my puase..(puase ganti).. thus the reason why i am preparing sahur for my ganti puase today.. i'm thinking i'll be needing a heavy sahur since today i am also oncall.. and tmrw i'm also oncall.. herher.. may my oncalls be peaceful ameen..
if all goes well hopefully i can puase also tmrw since i hv about 10 more days to cover sobs sobs.. gambareh!! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
okay it feels really good to wake up this early.. if i were in bristol i would hv gone for an early morning jog.. but don't think i can do it here..quite worried about the safety level in malaysia at the moment.. kids being kidnapped, people being shot, murder here and there, not to mention the rasuah, kronism, menjatuhkn orang lain aaah scary world this is.. haha suddenly this has become so depressing.. lol it's okay.. do one thing at a time, at least try to improve ourself first since that's the only thing we can control anyway..
hehe so my new addiction is joining runs.. its a new resolution my sisters and i planned.. every month to enter at least one fun run.. haha it's not because of the hype but more of wanting to be healthy in a motivating way.. after the run we joined at ioi city we all felt really refreshed albeit only for 5 km..hehe it's probably the endorphins talking. so our next one next month will b in putrajaya inshaAllah
and Alhamdulillah i've found a new place to stay.. yay! i'll b moving in next month.. although tis a bit expensive i'm quite satisfied with it.. let's hope i've made a good decision inshaAllah..
anddd i received a text from a friend yesterday.. we haven't contacted for quite a while since we finished our HO.. he texted me to invite me to his wedding nxt month.. haha yes, a person i once had feelings for.. anyway, i'm really happy for them since i know they've been together for some time and it was quite nice receiving a personal invite.. and it felt like home..i guess some people just is smooth with people.. haha i miss that feeling of being home with someone..like u cn let ur guard down.. because the other person is a nice person.. and ur not afraid of being judged by the other person.. because he/she will always hv ur back..
haha okay enough of my early morning rambling.. i finished my nasi goreng for sahur and air kosong.. hopefully it will last me throughout the day.. wish me luck hihuu 😋😋
Alhamdulillah today is my brithday hehe yay!! i'm ehem ehem years old but still 19 at heart haha 😂
i took an annual leave today.. it was nice waking up not having to rush and go to work todayy.. had a nice simple breakfast with my family mama, abah, als and dids before they went for work..
sweet thing is, mama took leave for me as well huhu since her classes haven't started yet and she knew i ws on leave as well..
so we went shopping.. she asked me if i wanted a birthday cake.. and i said i think i may just want a piece, i think i'm too old for a whole cake huhuhu 🙊
and i told her i teringin nk try kedai cake jalan tiung in shah alam.. so we went there and......
it was closed sobs
it opens wed - fri
so we headed back and had our lunch at sepiring (mama's favourite) and met up with als there..
in the afternoon i went swimming..hihi managed 5 laps as usual Alhamdulillah.. and it was raining.. felt like i was at sea with ombak2 sket hahah
anywayyyy, i'm really grateful to hv spent the day with mama..i shared a bit about my life with her.. the good and not so good ones.. and had my ears open to her stories as well.. reminded me a lot about my schooling days when she was a housewife at the time, i would find her lying on the bed taking a nap.. without changing my uniform i would lie down beside her.. then she would open her eyes and asked how my day was.. i would look up at the ceiling and tell her everything.. my fights with my bff and etc..
mama, thanks for giving birth to me 29 years ago.. and for bearing with me although i'm not the most ideal daughter
i just need to let this out.. there r times when u doubt urself.. but then u understand that certain things are out of our power.. and u return it back to the One.. hoping that everything will be okayy inshaAllah..
"to love is to accept the greatness and flaws of each other" - nmj
everyday is a process of learning to love the ppl around me. i realize it makes the environment more enjoyable and makes my collegues more fun to be around 😆
if i havent said it yet,
have a wonderful and properous and blessed new year iA :)
yes we've come into another year.. and today is the 2nd page of a freshly opened new book.
Alhamdulillah yesterday i started the year with something beneficial.. i hope its a good predictor of what's to come..
so i joined the free clinic for rohingya under imaret yesterday.. it's my third time joining the medical clinic.. the first one was in 2015 when i was still a houseman at melaka hosp and it was held at depot tahanan imegresen somewhere near broga. and last year i joined once a free clinic for syrian refugees. initially i went alone to these activities and now i'm so glad i hv a friend who shares the same passion so we usually carpool together 😊
i hope i can continue contributing to society..
i may not be rich and may not be able to contribute a lot financially. but everyone has their own ways of giving back that can add to their worth and make them valuable. especially in these tough times.
but alas whatever it is, its the niat that counts.. innamala'malubinniyat..
verily one's worth of deed depends on their niyat..
being ikhlas and ihsan is very difficult but not impossible to strive for.. 💪🏻
may Allah be pleased with us inshaAllah
welcoming 2017 with optimism, love and a warm heart...
ps: need to plan for my family trip soon.. better get a headstart.. bye