back to back

oh dear, may Allah help me through this..please pray for me..ameen

of a broken heart

bismillah..

urm..this weekend has been a bit funny..
yesterday we went to Forest of Dean and had a wonderful day mashaAllah....cycling for 3 hours finished off by a picnic....I loved it mashaAllah, the outdoor and riding the bicycle part....going gaga over Allah's creation....was such a nice break from the brick walls and hustle bustle of Bristol city..

Alhamdulillah twas a great adventure...it would have been nicer if there was some pengisian of something..just some time to ponder on Allah's creation more..

but anyway, that's not the part of where my heart got broken..
so we rented a mini bus to bring us back and from the Forest of Dean, and on the way back, the bus driver stopped  at Tesco's for toilet breaks....me, yaya, ain & anis stayed in when everyone else went for the loo..it was around 6.30pm at the time and past maghrib, so yaya asked me if I would want to read ma'thurat with her...and I said yeah sure.  Then suddenly ain & anis sat next to us and said they want to join us as well..it made my glass heart break....comelnya budak2 kecik ni..

it was the same feeling when we recited ma'thurat in the car otw back from DTS.

so many people want Islam, it felt great and sort of inspiring..
 
and today..I told my darling fffy, i wouldn't be their naqibah anymore..and my glass heart broke again for the second time..seriously felt like crying, love them to bits..

i pray this is for the best insyaAllah..and may they find orang2 soleh wherever they go and may they always be guided by You, and keep being close to You and always do good and keep their hearts pure and stay good people insyaAllah amin.

from them, I learnt loads. how to be strong, always inspired to do good in whatever way or form, and about being human.

May good things happen to them insyaAllah.

so if you haven't actually figured it out, my dark dusty hard glass heart got broken by good things insyaAllah....
hopefully the light will shine through easier after the glass wall is broken..

ok, enough with the touchy mouchy lovey dovey...ah~ perasaan la perasaan..ok, takpe kjp je nnt ok balik..human's have resilience you know, that's what we've been taught as medics..

here's some pictures from yesterday,

baiklah, sekian melaporkan, ^^
bye bye i love you..
nahdiya mj

from my dark dungeon of feelings..

so the seasons changing..and the daffodils are out and blooming..

and so are we..for the better insyaAllah..

lately there's been so many posts about love and BM and stuff, just makes me a bit fed up. not because i have anything against it, but i do feel it is such a distraction that there are so many things you want to achieve in life, in which this distraction is not really helping.

oh Allah, I hope for my friends and even me myself, I pray that we won't get into this circle of false dreams and living in lala land..that may just stray us away from our main purpose in life.

if i haven't learned by myself, my naqibah has thought me countless times that life is not a fairy tale..and that nothing comes easy in life..

and after a few months of pondering on it..it is constituted in my way of thinking as well..and I do, I truly want to be among those that will serve Your deen well..

yaAllah let us get back on track, and stop dwelling in the world of unknown, and start paving our future, because what we decide today at this moment in time, will decide what we will be in the future..

and everytime there's that hole in my heart, be it missing my family or friends..it's better to fill it up with deeds that will make You love us even more..

I truly want to be a servant that You love..please provide me strength yaAllah, mainly against my own demons..and guide us yaAllah.

a terrible goof for fairytales and happy endings,
nmj

of learning and losing..

salam wbt, 

lately labile emotions sket. takpela..may Allah forgive our sins..

astaghfirullahal azim..

bismillah,

as you may well have noticed, i am not in the season of updating my life's journey on the b to the l to the o to the g! since i have started to retrace back to the wonderful olden days where there didn't exist any internet. and how have they managed to document their life's journey? yes, on a hard cover diary/journal.. cut things short, i have started to keep a diary again. well, sort of.

hopefully my rambles won't be too exhaustive after this. muhaha.

the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. particularly getting rid of the habuk2 on the floor. i seem to seek solace in cleaning at the moment. maybe because the reward is visible. or maybe because their lies a deeper meaning in it. the fact that it's a sunnah, or because the whole body is moving thus endorphines are released or because "an nazhafatu minal iman". whatever the reason is, it felt good.

as i was cleaning the habuk + grease. it took some time to actually remove the grime. ucks. and Alhamdulillah, there was actually some tarbiyah behind it.  you know how grime is so difficult to remove? and once you remove it, it just keeps forming again without fail? yes, but basically, even if you aren't able to remove all of it the first time around, it is still less than before. and if you constantly do it, say, my rate, i would be cleaning perhaps once a month, the grime would still get less each time.  and if we keep on working on it, in the end, there will come a day, when the grime would finally disappear, and the role of cleaning the kitchen next time would be maintaining the grimeless kitchen rather than still actively removing the grime.

and the same would go to our hearts.


lots of love,
nahdiya

_____________________________

Pictures from MABIT 17/2/12

SOB

semput. 
semput. 
dan semput. 

nangis. berhenti. nangis balik.
*dalam hati* 
ok dah elok
Allah. Allah. Allah.

-"and the only appropriate response, is gratefullness" - Louis Schwartzberg

of fortresses and fending enemies

salam. so. how have you been? :)

a trip. a travel. a runaway from the cold, dark, gloomy feel of winter. an escape. or ESCAPEE~ (as Dory in Finding Nemo) from the horrendous nightmares of OSCE.

MALTA

Alhamdulillah. was a good trip overall. with me lovely housemates. NF kuasa dua. (NF1 & NF2). hihi 

i think i went a bit manic over there, a lot of giggling. which i rarely do in public. kihkih.. how could i resist, the housemates has infected me with the giggling virus.

I think I learnt a lot going there. About myself. About friends. About Allah. About Allah's creations. 

Basically a bit about Malta. It's a small island in the Mediterranean.  Their national language is English and Maltese.  Malta apparently had been invaded by a lot of powers, dating back from the Ottoman empire, to Italy, to America and lastly Britain. Valletta is the new capital where it is surrounded by a 14 feet thick brick wall which served as a fort back in the days.  Going on the sea cruise it's really astonishing to see the structure from water and thinking at the time at how amazing Allah has equipped mankind with the skills to bring hard land into towering structures. 

Basically in Malta there are 350 churches so people would visit one church every day for a year.  and there is also one mosque in Malta. Here's the catch, Malta was under the Muslim reign for 200 years until the Ottoman empire went down and was under British government for 170 years.  so, I'm wondering what happened to the other mosques?  Anyway, I was very amazed at how Islam spread during those days.  Honestly speaking, I wouldn't have imagined there existed an Island called Malta before.  For my own consolation, it's absolutely tiny if you look on the map.  Like a little dot.  But Islam still managed to get to the dot in the middle of the sea where there exists humans.  MashaAllah, their passion of spreading peace.  And to this day, there are a lot of Arabic words used on the island, for instance, the place where we stayed was called Sliema, which is short for Tas-Sliema, which means peace or comfort, and also the addresses is Tariq bla bla..which in Arabic means road.  I'm not quite sure about the Muslim population in the country though, I don't think it's that many since I didn't manage to see any locals wearing hijab throughout our stay, which is quite a shame since it is really a very very calm and soothing place to live where you can barely see any litter on the road.  the view is so amazingly beautiful mashaAllah.  I might consider living there someday, if I end up a spinster, I might just settle down in Malta and open a Malaysian seafood restaurant or coffee shop for tourists.  Maybe open a surau if I manage to collect a lot of money.  okay, I'm drifting away.  

Another thing that caught my interest was apparently Malta is known to people studying language, which is quite understandable with all the mixed cultures and heritage.  The lady in our hotel who prepares breakfast for us says she sometimes hosts foreign students.  She can speak English and 1 or 2 other languages but could understand 12 languages.  Whoah! Amazing mashaAllah.  Suddenly I feel like sending my children to Malta to learn languages. I used to ask mama to join Mandarin class but painting lesson and taekwondo and swimming lesson, no way hosey. jdlah impian utk anak2. baiklah. sekian.

p/s: the song -> in taxi on the way to Malta airport.a rainy day on the last day
-nadmj-

of a reminder

bismillah,

how have you been? Alhamdulillah, I hope you've been good. :)

last weekend, I went to Cardiff to listen to ceramah by Ust. Aziz, on insan rabbani, bukan nowseeheart atau hijaz.  and as I was writing points in my notebook, the sudden realisation just dawned on me,  nearly all the pages in my book were filled up with jotted ink, but have I, myself practiced the knowledge I have printed down on paper?

It's quite frightening, to actually have a look inside and ask myself that question.  I think partly because I'm afraid the answer to that would be a disappointment.  Have you ever seen the cartoon 'pinky and the brain'? If you haven't, the tall mouse is called Pinky and the short one is Brain.

so I'm imagining all the ilmu is piling up in my book and if we subtitute the book as my brain, I would be the character Brain.  with quite a remarkably disproportionate head.  but anyway, the point being, with all the ilmu I'm learning, am I taking away something practical that I can do and actually apply in day to day life? hmm, what do you think? (okay, so maybe some of the ilmu is more of moulding one's thinking as opposed to demanding physical actions)

oh, just before I forget, kebajikan was part of the point in Ust's talk.  so AJC? grr.. exams? grr.. life? grr.. turning 24? grr.. baiklah, mari beristighfar and take one step at a time. sorry for the drama queen moments, this is what you get for making your blog an electronic diary. don't get me wrong, I'm not mad, and insyaAllah everyday I am appreciating life and the opportunities Allah has bestowed on us.  :)

i've just finished 2 weeks at my 2nd GP surgery.  So far GP land has treated me very well Alhamdulillah.  here's some photos.

my usual parking spot

main entrance

GP's waiting area

next stop? OSCE's on Tuesday. 

اللهُمَّ لا سَهْلَ إلا مَا جَعَلتَهُ سَهْلا وَ أنتَ تَجْعَلُ الحزْنَ إذا شِئْتَ سَهْلا
Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja’altahu sahla, wa ‘anta taj-alul hazna idha shi’ta sahla

O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will

-nahdiya

of some unwinding

"the one who failed is the one who never even tried"

went to Ask Dr Clarke today & merasai sedikit sebanyak life as a Cardiff Medical Student..kihkih..for a few hours je pun. and enjoyed it Alhamdulillah since we all went together (me, hani, farihin, mus).

tomorrow: GP lagi. becoming a bit bored of just sitting and waiting. and of doctor's picking my brain. (even if it's not a good brain to pick on ;p)  oh well, who said being a medical student was easy?

ok, nak tdo, Assalamualaikum.

-nad
just drove back from Bristol to Bath,
11.23pm Royal United Hospital, Bath.

of 2012

bismillah. 


ok, baiklah, mari kita berhenti dengan sedih2 dan depress di kala musim2 winter yang cepat benar gelapnya..hehe.


Alhamdulillah Allah bagi kita nikmat untuk hidup dan melihat calendar bertarikh 2012. 
aduhai, selalu je tahu kan masa kita ni bila-bila Allah boleh tarik, jadila sempit, sempit masa, sempit dada.  dan kalau Allah nak habiskan terus masa kita, jadila kita tidur yang lama tu, yang sampai berbunyi sangka kala yang kedua baru kita bangun semula. innalillahiwainnalillahi raji'un.

Kadang-kadang fikir sendirian time2 cuti ni, mengapa saya rasa sungguh la kosong jiwa ni, sungguhla kosong bila tak ada usrah ni, bila tak ada pengisian jiwa. Dan lebih teruk lagi bila rasa nak beramal tu ingat daripada berusrah je yang boleh dapat pahala..

aduhai, sebenarnya Islam tu sangat luas kan ruang ibadatnya. Kenapa tak vacuum rumah wahai cik nad? bukan ke "an-Nazhafaru minal iman"? Kan boleh dapat pahala juga tu?

dan untuk diri yang termotivasi untuk study ni, sila la, sbb kan Allah sayang hambaNya yang berilmu.

"Kelebihan seorg 'Alim (ilmuwan) terhadap seorg 'Abid (ahli ibadah) ibarat bulan purnama terhadap seluruh bintang." (HR Abu Daud).. hihi tiba-tiba rasa special pulak. :)

"Barangsiapa merintis jalan merintis jalan mencari ilmu maka Allah akan memudahkan baginya jalan ke syurga." (HR Muslim)


اُطْلُبُوْا العِلْمَ وَلَوْ في الصِّينِ
“Tuntutlah ilmu walaupun sampai ke negeri China.” (ada pendapat mengatakan ni hadith dhaif tapi gist dia masih baik kan?)

baiklah, saya akhiri nota kali ini dengan ucapan, Malas, malas go away! Mari study lillah! :)

 
hihi, pics Malam Secreto de Amor dan sesi menghabiskan daging korban. 
Muax, 
nad

of a bigger picture

hehe.
okay, i'm a bit irresponsible. mybe a lot.

i know there's the 'hehe'. not that i'm proud of it.

i just think i'll be too bummed out to punish myself because of this. a more positive approach would be to move toward a less irresponsible me. ^^

***
dear self,
please be more disciplined. there's so much more to do out there. i know you are feeling trapped inside this state with mundane stuff to do.

but before you seek adventure you need to make sure you are good to go. one hurdle to conquer at a time my dear.

a potential working space in the future? yes, this my room where I act as a GP and consult real patients. that's my book, my cup of coffe and a slice of apricot cake which a kind patient baked.

felt so tempted to nick a few leaflets..

weird but true, 

nad

opps..

I just googled the distance to lake district for PMS tomorrow.  surprise surprise, huhuh, apparently its 4 hours drive.  which actually means 5 to 6 hours in total since it includes some stops at services for a taste of Costa coffee and loo breaks. waa. nangis, br tau. 

i don't really mind i think, it's just that i need to be on duty straight after, and knowing the not-so-strong me, i might be in for a very heavyweight work load.  I am one of AJK masakan PMS and I do need to start duty right on the spot. 

myb i should do a bit of Jillian exercise today just to toughen things up. ;D and by things, i do mean myself. just pointing out the obvious ;p blerrrgh. merepeks saje. sudah terlambat. esok mau gerak.

of hope

Depression

As much as I hate to succumb to failure, or being depressed at the very least, I find that I am currently in a state of low mood.  I don't think I have failed, but I couldn't quite get through the feeling of depression.  It might be that I just feel a bit lonely and home sick at the moment. Terrible terrible feeling, oh dear. 

Oh Allah, I know You hear me and are close by, please find me a motivation. and I will try my best insyaAllah. :)

of a break.

"there's always something to talk about."
Encik McLellan, kamu ini sgt baik, dan bijak, dan sgt lucu. hihi ^^
saya rasa kamu GP yg paling cool di situ dan cikgu yang paling banyak ajar sy, contohnya centor criteria, jenis-jenis knee bursitis, treatment of gout, primary prevention of cardiovascular disease, importance of ordering tests if it changes management, best practice in nursing home, paronychia, ingtkan saya phalen's and tinnel's test, difference of nursing and residential home. 

terima kasih.

my note kepada cikgu,
Nahdiya

of an energiser

bismillah,

yesterday was daurah in Cardiff, it was lovely and energizing.

what did I learn?
> better to beramal while we still can. I like the reminder Abg Azim gave at the end..

The Prophet (pbuh) said:
“Take benefit of five before five:
your youth before your old age,
your health before your sickness,
your wealth before your poverty,
your free-time before your preoccupation,
and your life before your death.”

stressing particularly on the first one. Youth. We are young. and while we are still given these priviledges of this age let's take advantage of it..no, no..not by wasting it on booze or partying, but exhausting it for good and benefit of mankind.

while we were in Darul Isra' I found this on the notice board.

It's interesting to see kesyumulan Islam. Talking about dementia in masjid :)

> I also like the point when we were discussing, Kak Hanim pointed out most of us have reservations to 'commit' to tarbiyyah is because the rewards are intangible and unseen. (i.e: pahala & change) and the rewards can only be felt by people who have joined tarbiyyah, so basically, one can only experience it if they go through it.

> Dakwah and a Muslim are inseparable.  Just like a pen and the cap. and our dakwah is dakwah hati..refer to Abasy As-sisii book
(ok, don't think i'll explain this more due to time constraint)

> Creativity as a Da'i

> erm, and I've also started GP which is an hour's drive.  I have to compete with tractors and horses on the road. On a sunny day, it can be really worthwhile.  On a late morning (which has been the case for several mornings due to a dysfunctioning hp alarm clock), the beauty just suddenly disappears.  And the feeling of just running over them creeps up. But of course, I won't be able to do that.

after 30 mins drive through this, we will later reach my GP surgery in Calne. Yes, health services also reaches farmers :)

my random updates,

nad

Tis the season

first time in 4 years I went to Bath Christmas Market. and it was Hani's 23rd birthday today. May Allah bless her.  I bought her something I would love myself.  as a borderline shopaholic, it is one of my interventions to teach myself and to treat my condition. lols (p/s: missing in picture Mus, Jiayin, Charuni, Natasa).

Podium parking lot, B2, Bath

a cheesy treat. Cheese & Cranbery. yums!

****

What have I learned today?

1) Something about myself, I love people but I'm not so good when buying gifts and organising stuff. maybe something I could work on.
2) I should think more about others and always be kind.
3) On a more general note, worry about things you can change and don't worry about things that are done. :)

Less than three,
nad

of 500,000 times more.

bismillah, 

yesterday -> Gaza: through our eyes by Dr. Zin Kandar. Venur: St. Michael's on the Mount

Alhamdulillah the turn out was overwhelming, people came from Portsmouth, Cardiff and of course the very far Bristol.  i think it was probably around ~150 people plus kids.

What were the learning points I gained?

> from the title itself, it's a retorical question on what perspectives are we using to view these issues : humanitarian, iman, ethical, or so on. 

> medan utk beramal bermacam-macam dan sgt besar. if we are not prepared to physically protect Palestine, the least is with funds and doa. From the funds insyaAllah many sectors can be developed (e.g bread factory, education - hufaz, lessons in mosques etc, dairy production to make cheese etc) it's like a modified saying,

"give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, give a man a fishing rod and you'll feed him a lifetime"

> examples of Muslim who are walking the walk, and not just talking the talk are those who live in Palestine.  seeing from the how the Government works to the public's attitude, they are those who have a heart-close relationship to Qur'an and lives Islam fully.  one note to think about, even in the worst of conditions, we don't hear about any social issues happening in their society.  Inner peace. And it is not surprising that it relates back to dakwah & tarbiyah.

> It's true that Palestinians have a lot to teach us on how to live.  

I think where I sat is an invasion of this man's social skin. 

yours truly,
nmj

a bit of catching up

Bismillah, 

Love can conquer all. and I might be a very strong believer of it. I am learning, how to become a Muslim or a person at the very least. And I think I haven't really lived as a human being. The best of creation as Allah puts it in His book, and do I actually believe it?

The once cheesy phrase which I used to think, "Tak kenal maka tak cinta", is making more sense now.  

This little girl, whom I really love and care about, and I hope its because the truth that she seeks. 

I pray that we will both find it insyaAllah.  

And the time, time that Allah has entrusted us upon, I pray I'll be able to use it more wisely.  oh Allah.

****

2 things I am training myself to do:

1) Live life to please Allah, then you'll find, you'll also please people around you.

2) Be aware of Allah's present and believe in Him, as you are aware of the wind.  "You can't see it, but you can feel it close and you know with absolute certainty it exists".

My warmish chilly room in Royal United Hospital, Bath

-my weekly rambling, 

Nahdiya Jan