a bit of stress won't kill you. (hopefully)

dear friends.
today i'd like to share with you a story. an incident that happened today. just now. and yes i'm still in recovery mode. heheh. but first. i'd like to share this ayat from the Quran, i'll tell you what's the significance of this ayat to me at the end.

'Tidakkah kamu tahu bahawa Allah memiliki kerajaan langit dan bumi? Dan tidak ade bagimu pelindung dan penolong selain Allah' (Al-Baqarah: 107)

alright, so here goes my story. as you know, last two weeks i was supposed to go to Galway, but due to some unforseen circumstance, we couldn't board the plane. alright so at that time, i did bring my passport along.

***

today. i finished my exams. alhamdulillah. feels really good to be able to stop thinking about it for awhile. i was planning on going to the library right after the exams to submit my online check in to Milan this Saturday. which required my passport details. so this morning i started looking for my passport. and almost forgot the fact that i had exams in an hours time. anyway, i thought oh well, don't let my nerves get the best of me. keep cool for the exams. i'm sure it'll turn up after the exams.

so after the exams i continued searching for my beloved and now very protected passport. but i couldn't find it anywhere. i began going through the stack of books and papers on my desk. looked in every bag i own, in each little pockets of my coats and jackets, in my closet, beneath piles of clothes, in souvenir bags for my family, under my bed, inside my drawer, behind my door, and even in the toilet. you name it, i've been through every single thing. and so i thought.

no!! this can't be happening to me. i was frantically shouting those words silently inside. i can't believe this. it's not the fact that my flight to Milan is in 2 days time but that without a passport means that i can't travel back to Malaysia. My homeland. My family. My heart.

no. I won't give up. I can't give up. so i kept back tracking, i kept praying silently, kept searching over and over again. once. twice. thrice. until i'm satisfied that i've felt and squeezed through everything.

i was tired and mentally exhausted. but i can't stop. i can't sleep. i can't eat.

until it was time for me to accept the reality. "I've definitely lost my passport." aaa. I was practically screaming inside. but something held me back. it was partly my exhaustion and partly faith. hehe.

i had to stop. i had to think. i had to move to the next step. yes, my passport is lost. so what next?

with a broken laptop i couldn't search for any info. so i had to borrow a friend's. and yes it was a bit depressing. but that is my challenge. a test to my patience. a test of faith.

i wanted so much to call my family i couldn't handle it alone, not with all the buziness surrounding everyone at this time. with all the packing, and the travelling, and the bbq preparing. i couldn't possible make it more stressful for them. so i kept it alone. kept it cool. *konon2 anyway* hehe i wanted to let it out so much. the pain, the frustration, the tiredness. but no. i can't cry. i'm a big girl. i can handle this.

yes, this is a test. a test for me. a test of faith. i must be strong. i have to. oh nahdiya, this is such a small test compared to the ones other people are facing around the world. you cannot be weak. as the saying goes, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. and it is true. i kept telling myself. Allah is preparing you for something bigger. if you can't handle this small hurdle, how are you to overcome a bigger challenge in the future?

at last, i couldn't take it. tears kept running down my cheeks. not because i was sad or disapointed with my fate. it was dissapointment and anger in me. in myself for being too weak. "oh Allah, i'm sorry for crying, for not being able to cope with your challenge, for i know, it is only meant to make me stronger. You are the one that is always looking after me, so i shouldn't feel this weak. oh Allah i beg you, please give me strength to go through all this" and so, in a trembling voice i kept pouring my heart out and praying to Allah.

i wanted support, something to hold on to. something to soothe me from the tears. so i turned to the Quran and started reading it. after a while, my voice began to stabilize, and i was tentalized by the words. Alhamdulillah. it was just what i needed. assurance that He is the Almighty, the Protector and the only One that is capable of making all things possible.

anyway, Alhamdulillah, not long after my 'breakdown' Allah eased me from my problems. i've found my passport!!! :) where? mm. let's just say it has something to do with barakah from guests visiting and prayers from friends. ;)

Alhamdulillah.

p/s: haha, I'm sorry if the entry is a bit dramatic. but like I said, it did just happen. and I'm still recovering from the 'shock' hehe.