of looking, searching & finding

Dear blog, 

Today I went on an impulsive act to catch a bus, then a train ride back to Bristol and then back to Swindon again in a day.  To be honest, it wasn't totally impulsive, i'd say about 60% impulsive.  I needed to collect some stuff from the office so I just figured since I'm giving myself the day off (mind you: it is a Thursday btw) might as well get some errands done. 

And Alhamdulillah, it made me feel a lot better. If you haven't noticed, I Loooove to travel, the only thing that makes it not enjoyable is having a lot of stuff.  So today I just had my laptop and my hand bag, myself, the whole wide world and Allah.  =_=; forgive my drama queen moment..  

At the bus stop while waiting for the bus back to Swindon, there was this black lady chatting with a white lady.  Somehow they didn't look right, as thought the white lady was bullying her.  Anyway,  that wsn't the point.  I felt like the black lady is Muslim, cos she had shawl hanging lazily around her neck and I think she looked like a Somalian lady.  

The bus came and I went on and got a seat.  After a couple of people then the she went on and sat down.  As I was looking at her, I sort of felt angry at why isn't she wearing the shawl on her head.  But then the better part of me told me that it must be a hard life for her.  Looking at the way she was holding her groceries and her demeanor sort of hit some sense into me.  I shouldn't judge.  She must be fighting her own hurdles in life to become a better person/Muslim.  and I'm quite sure coming from a low social background must have made things more difficult.  And I felt sorry for her.  Sorry that I judged her, that I didn't act kindly towards her.  

A few minutes later, as the bus was moving I sensed someone watching me. Probably her, probably because she knows I'm a Muslim.  And as I looked back, I smiled at her.  A half smile.  Fearing it would be too awkward to give a full blast smile to a total stranger.  In my smile I wanted her to know that I understand her striving to become a good Muslim and that you will be able to go through the rough challenges in life.  Is it too ambitious to hope that she understood it?  anyway, she smiled back at me.  A half smile.  She was looking at the passengers behind me as she did, I guess fearing the same as me, that it might spark some surprising looks from others.  

And then another emotion crept up, I became angry again, why must Muslims be associated with all the bad things, the terrorists, the poor status and everything.  Hwhyyyyy?  Pendek kata multifactorial.  Sedih. Masalah umat, masalah peribadi, masalah pendidikan, masalah korupsi, masalah tak paham agama betul2, masalah kurang motivasi, semualah...

So that was that.  

And I learnt, that kindness is thinking about other people and acting in the most pleasant way possible.  

Coming from a background of having a self admitting low EQ, a loner and never giving a hoot about what my actions would give to others, it's such a huge change to do.  

Kweng. Step by step we can make it...lalalala~~

BOSAN! Boleh tak lepas habis belajar medic nak ambik second degree in architecture? or artsy martsy or social sciences ke..

Oh Allah, ihdinassiratal mustaqim..

I still haven't found my true calling~

Hai kawan2..MARI BELAJAR! ya Allah jadikanlah saya rajin.. dan otak geliga..Ameen 

asik nk lari2 travel je..belajarr ke mana entah...

-nmj