baiklah. saya rindu yang bertudung purple itu. yang selalu bawa kami ice skating. yang kata jd lone ranger tu xpe. yg xnak org cina je pandai ice skating dan melukis. yg semakin hari semakin tua. 0_o

semoga Allah membalas jasanya, meredhainya, memeliharanya dan memanjangkan usianya dlm iman dan amal. Amin.

perhatian: ini zaman muda remaja. (2005 kot) sila jgn ketawa.

"sila buat sesuatu yang bermanfaat kalau tidak jgn online plis!" berkata Nahdiya (bukan Nadhiya) kepada dirinya.

Hal ini menampakkan perasaannya yang agak kecewa dan juga marah dengan sikapnya yang kurang berdisiplin dan komited terhadap courseworknya.

sila perbaiki dan teruskan usahanya! terima kasih.

*testing the internet* (winks)

(caught GBK-handed in Cabot)

Since a picture is worth a thousand words,
so the whole day should be worth a thousand Alhamdulillah's.

precious lesson today: Tawakkal tu 'alAllah! (setelah berusaha/di samping berusaha)

lights off! nights. salam.

bismillah

start of easter break.

there's a few things going through my head.
the past few weeks have been...urm..what shall we say, draining? both mentally and emotionally. huhu. and physically of course.

mashaAllah. the test of life. the test of being a Muslim. or shall i be more ambitious and say a Mukmin. the test of entering the realm of the unknown. the realm where you can never assume the worse and never be dry of challenge. heheh. the test of being a da'ie. *setakat ini sahaja. takut utk menyebut the M word.

which i can assure you that I am still trying and failing and trying again and failing. but at times, it isn't all that bad. to think of it as a learning process, we are bound to fail. (especially for me, failing at responding well to my environment when i'm stressed. for being unreasonable. I so need to work on that). to take the mistakes and turn them into valuable lessons. to learn from them. (and i repeat. to learn from them)

when i think about it, Allah's plan is always the best. everytime I ponder retrospectively on His design, I fall in love with Him over again. the love story that we hope will always be alive with overwhelming moments and fresh encounters. unbreakable ties to supply us strength, to better ourselves as well as our lives. which insyaAllah we pray will lead us to the destination we are longing for. Jannah.

Tarbiyyah. Tarbiyyah. Tarbiyyah. a word that has not been a popular choice of mine till recently. when i understood. when I found the practicality of it. when I fully accepted it.

Bristol, a place I chose for superficial reasons, for being vibrant of culture and scarce of my own people. For wanting to seek challenge. A challenge, though might not be what I had in mind, I am certain it is the best learning experience. His plan for me.


SubhanAllah. You never seize to impress!




*eh. break kejap. had to use the photocopy machine.

and so, I hope insyaAllah this Easter break won't be just peaceful days with nothing to do but may it be filled with increased Imaan and knowledge, stronger relationships, more self improvement and wonderful photos. heheh :p doakan ye.

orang kata la kan, 'gajah kat bawah mata tak nampak, semut nuuun jauh kat ujung sana boleh pula nampak'. huhu

begitula saya baru-baru ni. kasih sayang orang-orang kat Malaysia punya la rasa xde tandingan. huhuh. sebenarnya kasih sayang orang-orang kat sini pun sama hebatnya. Alhamdulillah. :D semuanya kurniaan Allah jugak. nikmat sementara Allah bagi rasa. Alhamdulillah.

kalau dah rasa kasih sayang dengan manusia pun boleh meleleh air mata. kasih sayang Allah betapalah hebatnya lagi tak terhingga kan? patutnya lebih-lebihla air mata kita mengalir kan?

Allah jaga segala-galanya tentang kita, daripada dunia kandungan ibu lagi, Allah jaga kesihatan ibu yang sedang mengandung, sehingga kita dah besar dan mampu merasa hidup sementara di dunia ini, yang penuh dengan suka dukanya. nikmat Allah beri. MashaAllah.

sampaikan kita juga mampu untuk mencurahkan kasih sayang kepada orang lain keranaNya insyaAllah sebagaimana Allah membenarkan kita merasai kasih sayang daripada ibu bapa dan orang sekeliling kita dari kecik lagi.

daripada Hadith 13,

On the authority of Anas bin Malik, the servant of the messenger of Allah, that the prophet said :"None of you [truely] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself."

Related by Bukhari and Muslim

p/s: Dr G. kata kita evolve from 4 legged animal, Dr R. kata kita evolve daripada fish. hehe. kesian kat fishes and 4 legged animals yang belum evolve jadi manusia lagi. mungkin lambat sikit growth mereka?

i miss them. i miss hanging out with them. while they are still misses.

fenin fenin lalat..

salam.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

can i tell you a bit about my day? no..maybe..probably? nevermind..hehe i'm still gonna tell..:)
this morning i had a 9 to 1 lecture. played some squash. showered. had some lunch. went to library. picked up my reserved book from the issue desk. found a comfortable and secluded cubicle. checked my exam results. flipped through the book a bit. checked up on some stuff. and now, i'm typing this blog entry. yes. definately a distraction from doing my work.

do you want to know something else? no..maybe..probably? nevermind, i'm still gonna tell. i just noticed somehow lately i seem to be stripped off from my feelings. yes. i am still human. yes. i can still do my work, i can read, write and type. but the feelings of sad, annoyed, angry etc etc doesn't seem to be occurring as often anymore. i work, work, work and fall asleep. eat. drink. hang out with friends. seeking Islamic knowledge, doing my SSC. and so the days go by with almost the same routine. well, come to think of it I might be a bit more busier than usual. hence, no time for me to be thinking about my own flood of feelings which I am not really sure whether it's good or bad. what do you think?

anyway, because of the lack of attention i've been giving myself, this entry is meant to be my therapeutic time. (which honestly sounds a bit pathetic..huahua) oh well. as long as I'm happy. haha not to sound too vain but then our body is also our amanah to take care of because it is not ours pun in the first place. hehe. thus we shouldn't also neglect our emotional health (as well as the spiritual health lg la). the point of this entry being that I need to swim in my own emotions to be able to understand myself better and insyaAllah help others in this path too. i don't want to feel forced but i want to also enjoy myself in enduring all the aches and pains life or this path has to offer. which in another context means what Allah is teaching me to become. just makes me appreciate Allah more seeing that our feelings is also nikmat from Allah be it best or not.

this entry has no conclusion. and no ayat Quran to relate to since I am no hafizah and my Quran is not currently with me at the moment. what a shame.....(for both parts).



p/s: last week called and told mama. mama ok je. mama kata, "selalunya Allah akan permudahkan" lega. Alhamdulillah. :D

bismillah.

i just remembered. a few years back mama said she likes seeing ladies wearing long jubahs, long clothes and all the other Busana Muslimah shall we say. so she asked me, "Angah, don't you want to try wearing clothes like them..you will look very sweet in them." haha. yes, this my crude translation from Malay.

anyway, i was in form 3 or 4. and it is told that the teenage years are the period of exploration, self discovery, rebels and hardheadedness. though the level of each encounters may vary from one individual to another, it is still apparent in everyone. so i said, (not realizing at that time that I was being a 'typical' teenager) "mama, maybe i don't think so..they're already 20 plus now, so it suits them wearing clothes like that because it's appropriate for their age. i'm only in form 3..maybe later..when i'm in uni i'll wear clothes like that." shrugging off the idea.

mama just smiled, maybe a bit amused of my answer.

that was that. so now, i'm 22 years worth of age. aaaa! and yes I am also in uni. and guess what?
i'm starting to wear these long2 clothes and jubahs..

and surprisingly enough, it isn't because of the promise i had told mama a long time ago. and i'm not even sure if mama still remembers but it's insyaAllah due to my own desire to dress according to the Islamic dress code and for His pleasure.

Although my reply to mama has never since occurred in my mind. i think that in some way, Allah has greatly helped me to keep my promise. and it only shows, if we take care of our relationship with Allah. Allah will take care of the rest, insyAllah. hehe :D and now it's amusing to both of us.



p/s: insignificant things that cross my mind tatkala hujan sedang turun di luar library. menunggu hujan reda supaya boleh cari lunch. perut sudah berkeroncong dan otak sudah pening memikirkan tentang otak. heheh. serves me right for choosing SSC topic psl otak?

zaman silam

saya masih ingat,
dulu-dulu waktu sekolah rendah, saya sangat jelous dengan ahli Syabab. sebab saya rasa aktiviti mereka best. pergi berkhemah la. berkawad la. bljr cara2 nak hidupkan api la. sy rasa aktiviti mereka sgt adventurous dan sgt best.
tp saya ahli Fatayat..kalau Fatayat, kitorang belajar masak, belajar nasyid, belajar menjahit..erm..okay, hehe snanye saya suke je..tp sy sukakan aktiviti-aktiviti outdoor jugeee..

waktu tu, saya tak faham lagi maksud Syabab ngan Fatayat tu. hehe.
tp bila dah faham, saya rasa Fatayat tu lagi hebat :D (walaupun aktiviti mereka agak keperempuanan..mungkin utk disesuaikan buat para Banat..hehe) sebab sebenarnya, Fatayat tu daripada perkataan Fityah yang bermaksud pemuda. mungkin Syabab dan Fatayat kedua-duanya bermaksud pemuda..tp Fatayat lebih muda drp Syabab..kiranya para pemuda dlm 10 hingga 12 tahun gitu..

maka, skrg saya rasa lebih istimewa termasuk dalam ahli Fatayat..walaupun dalam usia mereka yang masih muda belia namun himmah mereka sangat tinggi..sgt menakjubkan bukan..kenapa? sbb mereka lah Fityah al-Kahfi. para pemuda yang sanggup meninggalkan segalanya untuk mempertahankan Iman mereka. dan disebutkan Allah dalam ayat 13, surah al-Kahfi:

"Kami ceritakan kepada kamu Muhammad kisah mereka dengan sebenarnya. Sesungguhnya mereka adalah pemuda-pemuda yang beriman kepada Tuhan mereka, dan Kami tambahkan petunjuk kepada mereka."


hebat..sangat hebat..mampukah saya, anda, kita jadi seperti mereka? errmm......
(hurmm..fikir blk..maybe saya da terlebih age limit nak jadi Fityah ;p )
jom berusehe!

p/s: kenapa entry ni ditulis? sbb skrg saya rs mcm agak kurang bersemangat utk ke clinical tomorrow. curi sket semangat pemuda Kahfi.. baiklah. teh susu terlebih manis sila work your magic and keep me awake.

salam.

haritu birthday saya. saya sedih kejap. sebab bila saya fikir, sepanjang 21 tahun saya kat dunia ni, saya rasa tak ada apa2 saya buat yang layak untuk masuk syurga. saya sedih. saya dah tua. saya cakap kat mama, "mama, kalau Angah mati, Angah tak rasa dah capai apa2, nak tinggalkan apa2 pun x tahu."

mama bila dengar saya cakap saya da tua, dia kata dia lagi sedih..sebab dia lagi tua..hehe 0_o
mama kata, jgn putus asa..hehe. okay, snanye belum pun putus asa. dah makin tua, kerja pun kene lebih mantap. insyaAllah :D

oh ye, haritu mereka poskan kad.



*kat depan card tu ialah Abigail and Amelia Gabble (from Aristocats) menurut kata Dids. thank you!.


...."Ya Tuhanku, berilah aku petunjuk agar aku dapat mensyukuri nikmat-Mu yang telah Engkau limpahkan kepadaku dan kepada kedua orang tuaku, dan agar aku dapat berbuat kebajikan yang Engkau ridai, dan berilah aku kebaikan yang akan mengalir sampai kepada anak cucuku. Sungguh aku bertaubat kepada Engkau, dan sungguh aku termasuk orang Muslim."

(Al-Ahqaf: 15)

bismillah.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

ayaaat of the day:

Dia Allah berfirman: "Berapa tahun lamanya kamu tinggal di Bumi?"
Mereka menjawab: "Kami tinggal (di bumi) sehari atau setengah hari, maka tanyakanlah kepada mereka yang menghitung."
Dia Allah berfirman, "Kamu tinggal di bumi hanya sebentar saja, jika kamu benar-benar mengetahui."

"Maka apakah kamu mengira bahwa Kami menciptakan kamu main-main (tanpa ada maksud) dan bahawa kamu tidak akan dikembalikan kepada Kami?"

(Al-Mukminun: 112 - 115)

in search of motivation.

enough with sympathizing and weeping.

Ruhban fil Lail wa Fursan fin Nahar!

ayuh.


p/s: medschool still deciding whether we'll have exams tomorrow or rescheduled for later due to heavy snow. 0_o

dahla xde facebook. pastu selalu je x on ym. pastu blk summer pun kejap je. saje je xnak spend time ngan kita.
dahla bljr kt US, jauh je. pastu dtg UK pun time kita kat Malaysia lg.
dahla nak drive g sunway piramid pun xtau jalan. pastu gune SatNav.
dahla nak g swimming da pakai baju siap2 dari rumah. comel je. pastu masih guna SatNav lagi walaupun tempat tu kat putrajaya je. dekat je.
dahla borang keselamatan n borang awk nak fly kita yang isikan. pastu kata sebab tulisan kita lawa. tapi tulisan awak pun sama.
dahla waktu form 2 suka gelak kat lawak Sakuragi. hehe walaupun dia mmg lawak. pastu kata Mitsui x hensem. pastu bagi kita pinjam the whole series of Slam Dunk.
dahla kalau marah pun boleh senyum lagi.
dahla selalu panggil kita NED. walaupun dah 9 tahun kita cuba betulkan. ke awk nak cakap kita ni Nerd senanye?
dahla tudung makin labuh.
dahla kalau kita pakai baju-baju pendek awk cakap,

"em Ned, kita rase baju awak mcm kecik sket la".

dahla kita perasan awak macam rasa bersalah sebab takut kita terasa, tapi awak cakap jugak. pastu kita buat-buat muka blur. hehe
pastu ingat kan kita paham la awk ckp camtu sebab awk sayang kat kita?


memang pun. hehe. tq Zed. and u know what, sebab tu kita sayang sgt kat awak. ;D

yaAllah, aku bersyukur dikurniakan sahabat sepertinya.
yaAllah berkatilah hidup sahabatku & permudahkanlah urusan final yearnya. insyaAllah. Amin.


do you realize that i'm missing you? :)

- a dedication to Miss ZDZ, though you won't be reading this. happy 22nd birthday, 18th jan.

okay, okay just a quick one before i go on and bury my head in the books, insyaAllah. ;)


yesterday a long time friend buzzed me at ym. it was a nice chat. and so the following was a bit of it:

bla..bla..bla..

nad: i guess when it comes to dealing with people and matters of the heart, what we can do is pray a lot to Allah. Allah juga yang pegang hati-hati kita.

friend: Dia (Allah) pegang segala-galanya kot.

(me: gulps and thinks: yeah, true true..)

p/s: 7.50 a.m.- selak curtain. with hopes of nak g jogging. tpi...jalan frost..xpela. esok2 lah.

break from books

bismillah.

why is Quran the word of Allah? the level of precision in the Quran's word's is unparalleled.
what can we learn from it: how careful we need to be with our tongues. hihi ;)

taken from a current obsession:
hot tea with milk, chocolate brownies or nouman's lectures?

(heheh of course it's the 3rd one).

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah
(rasa masih x cukup tp macam penat nak type byk2 hehe)

jom kita reflect harini. harini matahari memancar dengan sgt bes. 2-3 hari lepas mood saya macam ok je, mungkin sedikit rase depress sbb mendung je. tp harini mood saya sgt happy sbb ada matahari hehe.

Alhamdulillah.

dan saya sedar. tanpa kesuraman atau kemendungan hari-hari sebelum ni kita takkan rasa kenikmatan matahari yang Allah bagi hari-hari kan. mungkin juga kita akan 'take things for granted' bak kate orang putih la. dan sebab itu jugalah mungkin kita akan terus terbuai dalam kealpaan dan kesenangan hidup. dan mungkin menyebabkan kita kurang bersyukur dan bergantung kepada Allah.

maka, bila kita ditimpa kesusahan atau diberi ujian, terimalah dengan hati terbuka. heheh. sebabnya, kalau itu bukan untuk uji kita, itu adalah peringatan untuk mendekatkan diri kepadaNya. insyaAllah.

rasa macam susahnya nak buat. tp xpe, kita cuba insyaAllah. ;D

peringatan utk diri sendiri sebelum tidur. *yawn* ;p

(the downs, Summer 09)

p/s: da lama rasa tak gi tangkap gambar.

"a society that stands on nothing, will fall on anything" - from the Arrivals series

let us pray to Allah that He will not make us among those who are deluded by the worldly pleasures and weakened by the imprisonment of our own thinking. insyaAllah. when we are made unaware of our own potential, that is when the Devil's advocates will take over.

whether in despair or in uncertainty, it is to Him we turn to. insyaAllah.



p/s: baik. harus berusaha utk exam. please pray for me. thank you ;)

salamun alaikum.

last week, i received a letter from British Gas for the house. and there, on the first line just below our address written in red, states: "You may have just overlooked it, but your latest bill of **.** pounds for the gas you have used is overdue".
to be fair, it's not that we didn't want to pay, we just haven't entirely settled our housing situation with the landlord yet. though that might just be our excuse to hold off the numerous notices sent before this, what surprised me the most was how the letter reflected a lot about the company's professionalism. they didn't just accused us of deliberately refusing to pay but they had given us the benefit of the doubt by assuming that we might have just overlooked the matter. which in our case, is probably what had happened. heheh ;p.

and honestly it happens a lot in our lives. we tend to overlook the things that have actually been reminded of several times before. and what makes it worse is that we don't even realize what we're doing is wrong. what is considered a norm in the society is not always what we should actually be doing.

so the other day i got a warning (although it might not be in fine red ink), but again, it made me realise of how much of unnecessary wrongful things I'm doing that I've overlooked. and I feel so burned (which metaphorically means how angry I am with myself).

what's important is that we recognise our wrongs and not only feel mad and disgusted with it, but we must also try to improve on bettering it.

so in conjunction with Maal Hijrah 1431, I would like to try and reduce or stop some of my bad behaviour which I have too many times overlooked as my new year's resolution.

"mereka membantahmu (Muhammad) tentang kebenaran setelah nyata bahawa mereka pasti menang, seakan-akan mereka dihalau kepada kematian, sedang mereka melihat sebab kematian itu."
(8: 6)

"yaAllah permudahkanlah usaha kami, lembutkanlah hati kami dan tetapkanlah pendirian kami. Amin."

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

a haunting of past history.
so what am I waiting for?


p/s: sedeh sedeh. saya bace. saya tak faham. past history yang ditinggalkan.

in search of inspiration.

(pastel chalk on canvas sheet, 1st try)

"mereka tidak akan merasa lelah di dalamnya (syurga) dan mereka tidak akan dikeluarkan darinya"
(15:48)

***

mama always thinks that gifts are more precious if they're handmade. oddly enough, the same way of thinking runs in the family. and we try to make it happen whenever we have the time. a pop up card for mother's day, a scenic painting for birthday, an origami crane for anniversary, an 'orang lidi' sketch from adah saying that she loves us all, and an "I'm sorry" card after a fight with siblings.
simple and inexpensive, yet truly priceless.

dear Mama n Abah, though i might not draw/paint things for you as often as i would have, it doesn't change anything, love you both as much as when i was first called an amoi~~~~ may Allah bless you both, insyaAllah. :)


*in homesick mode

dear myself,

this is a letter to yourself.
when you've set your mind on doing something. please do it if there are no other reasons for you not to do so.
or there might not be any other time for you to do it.

a simple reminder from yourself.

yours truly,
myself.

of a little finger

it's a complicated world we're living in. so we make our lives easier by giving generalizations on other people. is that fair?

just finished watching a cd borrowed from 'wonder man'. he gave a very strong warning about borrowing it. "if you scratch it, i will cut off your little finger."* haha. though it might have scared me, i still managed to watch it. ;p

Alhamdulillah, it was truly an eye opener. a compilation of short documentaries on Gaza - not forgotten, Imperial Geography, Promised Land, and Reel Bad Arabs.

anyway, i was really inspired by the Reel Bad Arabs. how without even realizing it, we are giving generalizations towards a certain ethnicity, group and in this case it was towards the Arabs. how the US political state is currently influencing the mainstream media in hopes of seeping into the minds of its society. how Hollywood reflects Arabs, Palestinians as violent, shallow and incompetent villains when in reality they are vulnerable civilians who are being crushed by heavy tanks and fighting over the rights to their lands with only their bare hands. how we are becoming insensitive towards the fate of others and dehumanizing other people. isn't our lives worth the same as theirs?

isn't it time that we move past this judgmental paradigm and try looking at different perspectives before coming up with conclusions? are the actions of a few people enough to justify the actions of the whole population? the same goes with terrorists. let's give an example, if there were 3 nerds in a class, does that make the whole class nerds? (huhuh. how ironic is this example? sorry!)

and there's this other aspect of seeing things in different aspects. just like the famous saying goes, "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" funny? but true.

and which reminds me that there's a lot more issues going on in this world that i'm still oblivious of. gotta start reading more materials laaaa....(besides the mountains of medical books that i so haven't touched yet) ok? huhuh.


"oh Allah please protect us from passing judgement on others. insyaAllah. Amin."


*that was meant to be a joke.

oh Allah.
i'm in need of a hug from someone.
preferably someone yg agak sedap utk dipeluk.
hihi. tq.

kueng kueng.

cuba baca/dengar ayat ni:

60 tahun compared to selama-lamanya.

rasa macam 60 tahun tu kejap sangat kan?

xlama dah. in theory tahu xlama. tapi.....
nak go through everyday pun rasa mcm penat.
apekah? haha.
tlg semangat sket boleh. ;D

p.s: heheh. xnk mati sia-sia, boleh?

'Allahummakhtim alaina bihusnil khatimah,wala takhtim alaina Ya Allah bisu'il khatimah'

bangun pagi

semakin hari, terasa diri semakin tua. usia hanya satu angka dan kematangan adalah nilaian subjektifnya.
terasa diri semakin asing. semakin keseorangan. meskipun pada zahirnya tenggelam di tengah-tengah lautan manusia.
terasa semakin perlunya berdikari. timbul satu kesedaran. bahawa tanggungjawab diri manusia terletak pada empunya nya sendiri.
semakin perlunya berserah diri. menyerahkan segalanya. dalam mengharapkan ampunan dan rahmat yang Esa.


p/s: aih. tiba2 rase jeles je ngn budak2 yang masih 'teen'agers nih.

reconstruction

an emptiness. a hideout. a temporary soother.

scratch that.
let's make some reconstructions.

a motivation. an inspiration. a hope. a dream. a rising.
an attempt. a start.


hm..that's better than nothing kan?

"Rabbana atina milladun ka rahmah. wa hayyi' lana min amrina rasyada." Amin.

kesejukan . my heater's not working. sobs. adakah ini utk menguji treshold kesejukan saya? hehe. Allah baru tarik nikmat tido dalam panas kejap da menggelabah kan. aduhai manusia. betul la org cakap. bila dlm kesusahan baru nk ingat Allah.

yaAllah. jadikanlah ku hamba-Mu yang sentiasa mengingatiMu dalam apa jua keadaan sekalipun. tika senang mahu pun susah. Amin.

i just made my blog private. heheh. i think i've put my life in the spotlight long enough. keeping things to myself. this is more me. more intimate. more reserve. and of course, (since no one will be reading this a part from me) more weird. heee ^_^

so yeah, i think i write better for myself. though my blog is purposely for myself, but since i've made it public, i do wonder bout what people might think of me when they read my blog. hehe. i guess it's just natural. hopefully, what i've written before and what people have read will bring us benefits and His blessings insyaAllah.

i'm hoping this blog will become public once again when i'm ready to show off my life. hahah joking2. till then. bye~ ;)

(p/s: currently missing my chicas in BBB)

ada org kate, 'it's all about life'. em, kalau kita tukar sket leh ke?
'it's all about the life after death?'. hehe. sounds scary kan? but maybe there's some truth in that?

unnecessary rambling

so i seem to find some strength in friends.
though it might demand an explanation, it's not hard to understand, i think.
no matter what, our strength comes from Allah jgk kan? haruslah kita keep praying and depend on Him sentiasa. (am i destroying the languages here?).
ah. too many things to put into words.
malas. ngeehee
btw, dear miss z, i'm so jealous you got to meet that 'person' (while i could only listen on youtube) :p heheh.


p/s: the start of a new beginning? hehe. currently in love with his new album. zain bhikha rules!

of Morrisons and Power Rangers

the precious smile.
the precious smile is gone.
that once before helped lit my life.
that made my day shine strong and bright.
that thrown the bats, cockroaches and vampires aside.
and made my burdens seem so light.

oh the smile.
which once resided on my face.
is deeper in my heart than what's on the surface.
the smile that was always there hidden in grace.
is finally lost and shall never be traced.

i want the smile
but never in vain
i want the smile
though it might not be the same
i want the smile
for a different reason
i want the smile
of pureness and sincerity again

without the smile we may be in dismay
but the smile you see, can be harmful in its own way
so here i am wiping the smile i once had away
praying that He'll replace it with a better one someday

p/s: i don't seem to be painting a lot these days. does it have something to do with snapping more photos instead?
so here's the part where i ramble. alright, so what if my attempted poetry sucks. hehe. i know i'm no good at it anyway. oh yeah, i sorta remember my first poem back in Year 2 in Sheffield. here goes..

"tweet tweet
to whoo to whoo
good night to me
good night to you"

i was 6 years old. and the poem was about an owl.

ah. the past weekend i went to Notts. kak ali drove. passed a few places. slept in a sisters house. was such a lovely house. and they were incredible people. through out the journey had a whole bunch of childhood memories flooding through my brain.

after more than a year here, i managed to finally go and shop at Morrisons!!!!! :D
though u might not understand why it is such a big deal, seeming that it's just like any other supermarkets, believe me, it is a HUGE deal. once a week i would go there with mama n bring our grocery trolley bag and do our groceries there. for 5 years. so yeah, that was the deal. hehe, the feeling of reminiscing my childhood days. ....it's just hard to describe. hehe

and in the car, i felt really safe. like my dad was driving. that this was one of the road trips to peak district, or botanical gardens, or manchester, or to the place where they sell the fresh fruit tableware that my mom was so crazy about a long time ago. hehe.

looking at how kak A takes care of her daughters just made me miss my parents more. i remember i would wake up at around 5 o'clock in the morning when my other sisters was sleeping just to watch power rangers. i would tip toe down stairs to the tv room but only be disappointed to find abah in front of the tele reciting the quran. I don't think he knew why i was awake and i would just tip toe back up to bed. sometimes if i was too tired i would just sleep on the sofa in front of my dad or on his lap. that was when i was 5.

now i'm _ _. so shouldn't i be thinking about the future instead?

of wonderful words and powerful feelings.

i should be doing some work.

i think this should do for now.

(61:14)

and the rambling continues

it's wet and it's cold outside.
and i'm feeling i'm such a long way behind..

as adah would say it "next time...harder please!"
okay, so i guess i should have to
try harder,
work harder,
pray harder,
and sleep harder?..heheh. kidding. ;)

no title

saya rindu mereka.

muscle

when the going gets tough, we get tougher? (byk muscle) ;p

when a friend asked an F2 doctor on how to learn to examine patients, he just said, "well..sometimes u just have to go in there and do it" he gave this cheeky smile and ushered us to a very sweet lady patient.

and there i was thinking hang on a second, i'm not ready for this.

but alas, it wasn't all that bad. true, it was daunting, but we managed to get through with it. the F2 was very helpful and he had this genuine act that really wanted us to learn something. and truth be said, i had gained a lot from that hour. the most important was to be confident and having the courage for our convictions.

and so i guess its the same in our daily lives (be it non-academic related stuff). its' quite impossible really to stop time and wait for things to come in our way. to go into things when we think we are fully capable. to be fully ready. to be sure that we won't be making any mistakes. to make sure we are going to be the best. but that doesn't usually happen now does it?
because as we ourselves take our time to grow, everything else also changes. it's all the dynamics and nothing with the statics. (hehe. this doesn't make any sense)
if we don't grab the moment now, we might be left behind forever.

so let's pray a lot for Allah's help and blessing. so He may guide us and so we may survive whatever it is that we're facing. (this bit i keep reminding myself).

and maybe sometimes its not so bad to make the plunge?

Peanut

right. in an hour i'm supposed to be at clifton to get a ride with my groupmates to a GP. and i macam tgh sgt rindu kt family. oh yeah, finished early at the BRI (where i'm currently having my clinical) so i came back home. i thought i could handle 30 minutes walk everyday to and from hosp. but dear me was i wrong. suddenly i'm hating the steepy hills of Bristol. alangkah tidak bersyukur nya saya ni kan. so i'm trying to look at it in a better light. exercise tu ok apa. increasing my bone mass before 30 is what i'm apparently doing. so that i could lower down my risk of getting osteoarthritis. and women has a higher risk than men. ahah. last year punya lecture.

ok. next topic. my sister's preggy. haritu she texted me. dahla i tgh jalan nk blk umah. hampir pengsan ku dibuatnya. berita mcm ni harus la call ok. 'angs, ur gonna be a makcik soon. i'm preggy~'. haha that's all i got from the text. Aiman x kesah~. as long as i know about it. thought she had quite an episode of mood swings before i came back to Bristol. seems my assumption was right after all. haha.

so anyway, haritu i called and asked da tau gender ke blum. she said blum lg. a few more weeks baru tau. right now the baby's basically the size of a peanut. oh yeah, and the baby has a nickname. als didn't want makcik housekeeper tau she's preggy so dia x bg adah sebut2 psl 'baby'. so skrg adah panggil baby tu 'Peanut'. and so we're all refering to the baby as 'Peanut'. hope it doesn't last till she's born. hmm..pikir blk, cam best lak name peanut. or chestnut..or hazel nut.

right. sila focus kpd kerja. ciao!