the ups and downs of being a HO (part 1)

Bismillah,

Hello outside world..how r you? I hope you're doing just fine..:)

so it's been some time ago since we last updated each other (or to be exact since I last updated you..huhu yes this has always been a one sided relationship where I just blabber on and you've always been my faithful confidante..unwillingly since the start of 2008)

so yes, i've entered my new phase of life..i'm all grown up now..with a two letter title in front of my name..

Welcome world..Dr Nahdiya has arrived. To be honest, I've been working in Hospital Melaka for almost 4 months which means that I'm coming to the end of my first rotation - surgical. *clap2*

Alhamdulillah, i'm not sure whether I'm  happy or sad. At the moment I'm having both feelings.  I love working in hospital which is a pleasant surprise.  I love dealing with people (who are tolerating, respecting and hardworking). I love patients who are grateful and have a positive attitude.   I love my colleagues who have infected me with kindness and who have taught me to laugh through the hard and unbearable times.  

I dislike the fact that at times hospitals can be a very stressful environment. Given what's at stake -someone's life. I can't argue over that.  However, the fact that it's worsened by unfriendly MOs, the blaming culture, the lack of consideration over the fact that human's are not robots, and when mistakes do happen and if results aren't back, it's not 100% the HOs fault.  yes, i do admit. I make blunders, especially being new and not really familiar with the fact that hospitals in Malaysia can be very old school, where you need to chase results by FOOT! running around half the hospital block just to get your FBC and U&E for this one patient.  (this always gets me laughing) How inconvenient and inefficient use of time. on the plus side, the view of the mosque and parking area is quite nice on the way to the lab, and the exercise helps me to lose some calories, only thing being drenched in sweat afterwards.. hehe but anyway, machines can break down too you know, PPKs can just wander off and go MIA with the investigation results. so sometimes it's not only the HO fault x)

but all in all, it's still a satisfactory feeling going back home knackered.  and praying hard that the deeds you've done throughout the day is considered as amal.  A specilaist once reminded me, when I was doing my attachment at Putrajaya Hospital during my final yr of being a med student that there's plenty of 'orang sakit' in hospital, so everyday don't forget to niat untuk menziarahi orang sakit, hopefully we can get some pahala from that.  

one thing I feel that I've been reminded a lot is to depend on Allah and don't forget that He is the ruler and controller of all.  Many a times my heart just stops and goes to my tummy when the specialist or surgeons come and do their rounds and finds out this is wrong or that particular thing should be left in front, or something is not following their exact order on top of asking who was the first person to discover H.pylori.  and who is Childs-Pugh or whoever and being clueless most of the times.  At that point you just feel like borrowing Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. Or that time when your specialist suddenly requests you to be at another ward during his round so he can assess you. and you're just wondering what other misfortune will happen to you next.  But alas, in that desperate moment, is actually the best time to make dua and pray to the highest power that this particular humanbeing will not extend you or re-tag you or impose any kind of punishment whatsoever, instead of being scared of another human being. 

and because of this as well, it reminds me that I have my mutabaah amal to complete, and try to hafal surah whenever i can.. to use my limited time in the car for ma'thurat and so on.  Because when you put your heart at the right place, that is to fear Allah more than to fear human, it makes being scolded or scowled at by your specialist much more bearable.  hehe it this makes sense. and it makes you feel closer to Him. 

despite saying this, the sight of any specialists back will still make me take the longer route even if that means climbing 4 flights of stairs.  

oh well. 

                   

                              The first ward I ever worked in 4-2 with lovely people

take care,

Nahdiya

a reminder to myself

bismillah..
today I cried..I cried reading the article about as-syahid A. Ammar..a little biography written about him by his coursemate..
even though I don't know him..I feel connected to him
it's amazing how someone this distant,who is unknown to me throughout my life and only reading about him in less than 5 minutes can cause this much emotion..

i'm crying because i sincerely believe that he is one of the people who is close to You, and loves You, whom You love and who is loved be the people around him which I may not be able to achieve

i'm crying because i'm scared that my death would not be one that pleases Him..

i'm crying because i'm amazed that at such a young age he is really wise and matured..having a vision and a mission that is to revive Islam and benefit the Ummah

i'm crying because at the age of 20 years old he is able to give a great tazkirah to the whole world and touch so many lives.

i'm crying because i hope that my parents will be as calm and as forgiving and redha as his parents are to let their daughter return to her creator

i'm crying because i'm sad that while there are bigger and more crucial things in life, I am still worrying about petty things that are important to me and still being selfish

i'm crying because I feel ashamed of all the indecent and irresponsible things i'm doing with the time that has been given when it can end anytime

i'm crying because recently there has been many reminders about death in my family, people close to me and others but somehow i feel my heart is closed because i am not taking any lessons from them

i'm crying because i'm afraid that i'm straying away from the true reason of being a created by Allah, that is to live every day for His cause, to strive for Him and hopefully to die for Him.

i'm crying because honestly..i am still afraid of death..

so i pray yaAllah..please give me the strength in bettering my Iman and help keep me in Your blessings

i pray yaAllah please give me the patience and strength in being a daughter who is taat to her parents..and able to help them without having any ill feelings

i pray yaAllah that You remind me of my true reason and responsibilities as a Muslim and as your creation

i pray yaAllah that You provide me physical, mental and emotional strength to perform ibadah to You as best as possible in all aspects of life

i pray yaAllah that you accept my amal and prepare me for a good death and instill courage in me so that I am less afraid of it

i pray yaAllah that my tears are not merely tears and that it will be a reminder for me to refresh my niat lillahi ta'ala so that if we were to die at any point it would be a good death

i pray yaAllah that if I do have daughters and sons that they will be soleh/mujahid and solehah/mujahidah and will follow the good traits of asy-Syahid

i pray yaAllah that You make us of the people who will benefit the Ummah and who will not bring any fitnah to Islam

i pray yaAllah that You give us what is best dunia and akhirah and remind us whenever we are getting attached to worldly pleasures..

and truly innalillahi wa innailaihi rajiun
please grant us this doa yaAllah..

****************

of a tete a tete

bismillah..

so it's 1.00 am in the morning, and my eyes are barely open but I'm finding it difficult to sleep. a huge part is due to severe agony caused by my legs or to be exact, my hips..it's just aching really bad..hrmm..i'm sure it'll go away in a bit..yaAllah please make my aching better..

Alhamdulillah, yesterday we celebrated eidul Adha, the celebration of total surrender to Allah from the story of Prophet Ibrahim and his son Prophet Ismail alaihissalam..which every Muslim should seek ibrah from and hope to emulate, by the sacrifice of cattle or what is termed 'Qurban', if permissible.

so today is the 1st day of Tashriq. and my activity this day is menghubungkan silaturrahim..that is to meet my fellow housemate in Bristol who is back in Malaysia for her annual leave (although she has only started workiing for 3 months lols). Alhamdulillah today was a refreshing day indeed..managed to do a bit of lone time traveling..eating a very good chicken croissant which is reasonably priced..having good coffee..catching up and gossiping about medicine, the UK and the likes, just like old times..seeing positive changes with existing clumsiness, kind hearts and warm spirits..it just rejuvenates the soul..and the passion to once again follow our dream..

sorry, if this is just total ramble..u know it's been a good day, when you feel time flies by and your list of good-things to do list is ticked..and again, one must remember to thank Allah for the good, the bad, the known and the unknown.. 

yes, please try and help me makes sense of this entry,
many thanks
yours truly
dokter nad

KLIA today - Ex Bristol students

of worldy injustice

'when you feel so beaten for being 'unlucky', you just know there's a higher power playing with your life....

and you realize that your life may not be yours to claim..it belongs to the One..

and when you accept that..you feel blessed and grateful to Him, because at this point of time, that is your only worry, when there are others who are having it harder'

a market in Mysore, India (electives April '13)

of different languages

so I was on the way to pick up some stuff..and was listening to the song in the car..
a great hit I must say..very nostalgic..and so in love with the band..at one point..okay, maybe still am..
and so I just had to hit the high notes..

"I'm looking back on things I've done...
..I never want to play the same old sooong..
..kept you in the daaarrk..
..now let me show you the shape of my heart..
ooo....oo..
now let me show you the shape...
..showw yyouuuu...
..the shape..of my heaaaarrrt..."

and there goes my attempt of becoming BSB's #1 fan..
until I realized what I was singing about...

"showww..youu.."
"shooow..you..."
huh...shoyu?

u mean soy sauce..? I was singing my heart out for soy sauce?? hahahahah..
that is how far learning random Japanese words will do to you!

ok, i need to find some useful stuff to do
bye

of an ultimate procrastinator

bismillah, 

so recently my life has turned from relaxing and boredom to total chaos (dramatic effect)..;p

true, I am still currently unemployed..which I'm expecting to end by December..although unemployed, I am still working for 3 people, on top of running a house..

I work for my mom, my auntie, and my other auntie..I have to do laundry and take care of the house, cook lunch for the house and my auntie who had just had surgery and also become a research assistant for my auntie who is desperately trying to finish of her Phd thesis..and on top of that find time for myself to enjoy my 'vacation'..

I'm not really complaining, in a sense I am happy that I can be of use to my family..I suppose this is one of the reason why I decided to come back and do my housemanship in Malaysia..but I guess sometimes it does get a bit overwhelming when it feels like the whole world depends on you and without you it wouldn't run..haha a lit bit of exaggeration wouldn't hurt..I suppose this is what my mom and other mom's feel..

but again what is growing up without being thrown with responsibilities? ^^

haha it's funny that I should say this, but I think being a grown up is fun, given we're able to the job properly//

ultimate procrastinator

so while I'm in the middle of finding motivation to do a bit of academic writing for my auntie, I must remind myself..that while there are things that one really hates and would try to escape from doing, in the end, it is still inevitable..

for worldly things like finishing an assignment or essay, it just means that you have to sacrifice you sleep the day of the deadline to get it done, or for a job that you had promised you boss to do but didn't do it, you would need to endure getting scolded at but then you can always bounce back up, do a better job or find another job if you get fired..

what if that procrastination leads you to a place where you cannot even bare to think of, yet alone live there for the rest of your life with no turning back?

and that's Jahannam..

Allah nauzubillahiminzalik..may Allah spare us from hell fire and be good servants to Him..ameen

so let's just remind ourselves, to live everyday for the here and now as well as the hereafter,

The Prophet (saw) advised to: “Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death”(Narrated by Ibn Abbas and reported by Al Hakim)

yours truly, 

nmj

of a note

Bismillah,

Hisashiburiii~

Of self-improvement

Alhamdulillah, today I'm very happy because I've managed to stick to my daily timetable..inshaAllah..i've started to get back on track with my mutabaah amal again, although it may seem ciput and unworthy to note down, i still feel amazing to be able to keep istiqamah at it, so far its been about a week and a half..and as we all know too well, life has it's ups and downs..how a helium balloon shoots high up into the sky, it must come down once the gas has escaped..

but again, there's no point to dwell too much in self pity at how bad a situation is..cos the truth is, what' more important is how one deals with it..and true enough no one is perfect and will ever be..but it's the struggle and the effort to move towards something better, that's what is being looked upon by our creator..because He knows that everyone is put under different circumstances and no two people have the same situation, albeit identical twins who grow up together all their life..

therefore our own struggles are custom made to ourselves and only we (and Him) know our own capabilities..till we meet again~ which I fear, will be quite soon

فَإِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.

(al-insyirah: 6)

Sayonara', 

nk goreng ikang 

last day of Bangalore electives April '13

of Malaysian nights

Hadiah hari merdeka delayed 2 hari = harga minyak naik 20sen seliter 

"just to show the evil side of things, must u break the news the night before?" 

of fireworks and independence

bismillah~

salam how are you doing? physically? spiritually? mentally? emotionally?

I hope everythings well inshaAllah..

Alhamdulillah fi kulli hal

Today marks the 56th year of independence for our homeland Malaysia..Selamat Hari Merdeka. and like every year, a pretty big celebration is prepared for this day.  despite the never-ending fireworks and marching bands, it feels so mundane deep down with such a superficial value. so today, I'd like us to ask ourselves what it means by celebrating our independence. 

I'm sure everyone has their own meaning of their independence.  For me..I think the celebration should be to mark a better future for Malaysia..I hope this 56th Merdeka celebration is a celebration for improvement for the future and towards a better Malaysia.  It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling complacent with what we have.  I agree, it is a celebration for the heroes of Malaysia who have poured their blood to fight for our nation and to everyone who have contributed for Malaysia's independence but it should also mean we should progress forward as a nation with a 1st class mentality and 1st class facilities.  Hopefully we can improve this country from having 1st class mentality citizens who would love to recycle their trash but no recycling facilities located nearby to facilitate this act to a country who is environmental friendly and vice versa and also towards a country with 1st class drivers with 1st class roads with no potholes hahaha *in dreamland*. 

On a personal level, I think independence for me right now would mean free from exams haha..and having lots of free time.. It's overwelming.. I need to organise my time..and freeing my mind from doing things because of other reasons..and just solely for Allah..that's the true independence right..sacrificing your life for truth and for Allah like the Martyrs in Egypt at the moment.  which requires so much determination and effort to achieve..just thinking about dying right now makes me shiver..I think I don't need to explain why, please pray I'll be a better muslimah and get on top of my mutabaah amal.

Sometimes people remind us to bersyukur Malaysia masih aman unlike some other countries and then rasa mcm geram sangat nak tenung je orang tu lama2 sampai dia cair. 

1. ye ke Malaysia masih aman? kes ragut macam setiap hari. kes bunuh orang with sniper macam bkn wujud dlm movie je. kes orang buang baby. lagi kes orang dera  isteri. 

2. bukankah sbb kita bersyukur la kita lagi nk tolong orang lain yang dalam kesusahan..sbb kita sedar yang keadaan kita yang 'aman' adalah pemberian daripada Allah untuk membolehkan kita tolong orang lain?

Okay, selamat Hari Merdeka semua!

sisters + Aqil!

of a little bit of this and that

Assalamualaykum..may peace be upon all of us :)

Hajime mashta, Nahdiya des

Yoroshiku onegaishimas

lols..please accept my greetings which may just sound like correct Japanese ;p

I don't know why it just feels like a drag to write these days..is it the travelling, the change of environment, the lack of studying or just pure inspiration block? lols such drama just to figure out such a trivial question..the answer is just laziness kan sebenarnye? ^^

To tell u the truth, I have been going out quite a lot recently..Let's see..starting from last March, flew back from UK to Malaysia. Then went to Bangalore from Malaysia and came back to Malaysia again. Then went to Osaka from KL and back to KL from Tokyo. Then to Ili's wedding, to Mus's wedding and flew back to UK from Malaysia again. and Of course..it wasn't all within a day..please laugh..

I'm currently at home in Bristol.  Yes, home. I thought I lost it when I packed all my things into boxes 2 months ago.  But nope, it still feels that way.  I got back almost 2 days ago.  If felt surreal at first.  Coming back to an empty house, alone.  I felt overwhelmed.  I was happy to be back.  Sad that I'll be leaving soon. Empty that my housemates aren't here.  Astonished  at the cleanliness of the house (credits to Farihin's mom). Grateful for the great memories left behind.  The meals we had together, the chatting (read: gossiping) in the living room with intense feelings as we discuss 'matters of the world', the meals together, the MABIT, the usrah sessions, the Solat Hajat for exams and our loved ones, the fights, the watching movie night while eating Benny's burgers, the wrapped up in the duvet nights reading books while drinking hot drinks, and the intense night of studying prior to 4th year exams..lols..we took turns to sleep so we could wake each other up..A+ for team work and last minute workers.. :) the carpet stains from spilled drinks and many more..

You know when you've found something great, it's difficult to let go? Like a good shoe? When a favourite pair has been worn out, one would feel sad because it's going to be difficult to find a substitute.  And if the damage if repairable one would then consider to repair it.  You just want to hold on to it till the last minute.  That's how I feel about the house.  such a bother heh? for just a house..but I think the feeling is more than that.  It signifies that the future will change. I won't be with my housemates, my bristol friends and no more a student.  No more merry nights with lovely people and also more growing up.  

I suppose this is just part of life.  I'm sure everyone who's graduated feels this way.  Where it's time to close the previous chapter and to open a new one.  To reflect on what has been, learn from the mistakes, nurture into someone better, cherish the good memories and be grateful to the One who has given us what's best.  

yaAllah, I hope my new chapter will be something that I can handle well. And also, I still haven't decided where to go.  But the plan right now is to apply with a friend, and the lucky person is Farihin *clap2*

And funnily enough, the city, Bristol, just doesn't seem like home anymore. but there's no drastic changes in the city from what I can see.  It's true what they say, home is where the heart is.  And I think right now, my heart is back in Malaysia.  Yep. The Malaysia where I just seem to give out snark comments on the hot weather, crazy motorcyclists, no pedestrian lanes, motorcars that just run past the zebra crossing and red lights, potholes everywhere and many more.  But alas, it is a country which I love and hope that will have changes for the better.  and I'm glad to be back and hopefully doing my bit in helping the ummah in the broadest aspects. 

My apologies for this semi-depressing entry.  I'm telling you, it's the empty house.  On a lighter note, I left my book 'the adventure of a 100-year old man' I think is the title on the plane..arrggh..I just feel like hugging my self now..and my biological clock is still Malaysia time, I hope I can sleep better tonight inshaAllah.  

Here's some wedding pix to lift up the mood. May their lives be filled with sakinah, mawaddah & rahmah inshaAllah :)

Ili's wedding.  (deskmates for 2 years in KMB)

orang ketiga..lols

Mus's wedding.  (Batchmate in Bristol for 5 years)

6 Bristolian + 1 Leicesterian

Okay, that's all for now, might be writing again soon. 

See ya laytersss.. 

Wslm, 

nad

of Malaysian rants and electives

Bismillah

Salam wrb, 

Aaah..feels so good..Hisashiburi neeh dear bloggie..(>.<)

Where am I at this moment of life?

I am at my home sweet home Malaysia, finishing my medical electives. 

What is electives some have asked?

It's basically a 2 month period allocated by the medical school for final yr students to pursue their interests in areas of medicine they are passionate about. it can go from doing research, to organising volunteer projects to just purely observing the working environment in hospital.

the last one sounds a bit boring you may say, but that is what I'm doing..what's more not awesome is that I'm doing it in general medicine..initially i opted for A&E which I thought was granted by the hospital only to discover on the 1st day of reporting for my electives its in general medicine ward..*Bam* serves me right for not checking a couple of months before. I could probably hv requested a change but nevertheless I'm sure this is the best for me. 

*Just a tip for future electives under-goers..it's probably best to find a specialty or sub specialty for electives if you're doing in it hospitall since you'll be able to learn more than just superficial and random bits in a wide area like gen. med. Just my thought :)

So anyway, Alhamdulillah, my experience so far at hosp Serdang gen med, is okay, I mean some HOs are approachable but they're very busy during the day making it difficult to shadow them and not to feel like your in the way.  I met a couple CUCMS final yrs who are awesome and very friendly, joined their ward round with their lecturers. Took some history from patients. Erm..but somehow along the way I'm beginning to lose my passion in working. I'm not sure why.  Sometimes I think it's because of the Malaysian heat (lols), which makes me sweaty and exhausted easily. Sometimes I think it's the non-friendly working environment, where the MOs and HOs are not really on a friendly basis.  I mean, i don't see they support each other that much apart from MOs giving a list of HOs task for the day. In UK, u see the F1/F2 and SHO as colleagues, each with their own task, but helping each other out, asking views and discussing about patients and what to do together..apart from the seniors could be found on the ward.  I wonder why it's not like that in Malaysia. but probably its different in different wards and hospitals.

Alhamdulillah, there wasn't any physical bullying as far as my attachment, fewh~ a bit of mental bullying, but I think that it was acceptable since I thought the HO was being a bit silly not to take a full history of asthma and not doing auscultation when it was a respiratory complaint.  and..sometimes I feel demotivated, but I think it's just me, not having a good intention or not being ikhlas untuk bekerja. but I saw this halaqah (J.O. M) at al-Hijrah channel the other day discussing about ilmu..and how ilmu is actually milik Allah..and we can never reach up to Allah's level and how we should always be striving to learn more..and what is good ilmu is how good it can benefit us and mankind.  Wouldn't you agree that medicine is one of the most practical and beneficial ilmu of all.  That's why doctors are the least likely profession to get unemployed.  The ustaz gave an example of Imam Nawawi where through out his *something-teen years of being a scholar, he wrote 24 books and that his living room has no space to sit down for guests and they had to shuffle the books aside to make space for them to sit.  Hearing that just makes me passionate again to practice medicine.  yaAllah please make me a great Muslim doctor, who is good and passionate at her job..inshaAllah..

Anyway, here's some photos of Bangalore Baptist Hospital, India when I did my electives from 1st April 2013 to 26th April 2013...

The main entrance.  Malaysian medics studying in India rushing for their morning ward rounds

the tree of gossip.  Where me & Hani would sit there and drink chai & mango juice at 10.30am (post ward round) and contemplate what time should we go home.

a retro looking ambulance.  Although its a bit out of date but services here are quite good.  They even have palliative care team.

The Pharmacy on the LEFT

View of patients under the gossip tree

My daily treat

That's me working the white coat lolssss!

So at the moment I'm still thinking where to apply for my HOship.  I think I want to apply outside of Lembah Klang since I hope I can come back to KL to settle down one day..but I'm still thinking where outside of KL shall I apply to?  Sabah? Pahang? etc..I really have no idea..

In the meantime.. I need to find a car.. It feels so debilitating not being able to get around in Malaysia..haiyo..and need to familiarise myself with the roads here too since I can't rely on the signboards in Malaysia..Zunno why but so confusing one maaa...

Menteri Pengangkutan..please make the public transport in Malaysia better and more accessible..and the signboard and motorways more straightforward please..this can all be achieved by proper planning..lols, easy for me to say huh? 

btw, kudos to the new komuter coaches..dah mcm London Underground tube uuu dengan aircond yg sejuk (cuma kena improve on the punctuality lols)

- here goes my Malaysia rants Part 1

nad xx

of NOT yet wanting to but HAVE to

Bismillah..

All my bags are NOT packed, 

I'm NOT ready to go..

lalala..

and so the FINAL countdown is on..

in a couple of days I'll be leaving Brizzle..

It's SOOO sad! 

Alhamdulillah I'm very grateful for Allah's blessings. with exam results and all.

but nevertheless..

Still heart broken to be leaving Bristol and bringing all my stuff along with me back home..

Leaving this place I once called home, leaving my dear housemates (iAllah we'll meet again in a different setting) whom I have known to live with close to 5 years, whom I've shared laughter, tears, nagging, whining, jokes and many more..

And it's happening soon..

The gush of emotions was released once my first box for packing my things was sealed with tape.. 

Looking back at the times.

Alhamdulillah..

To create better memories in the future inshaAllah!!

JOM shipping!

darlings..want more time..

Marriott Bristol for MCS Annual Dinner

From 1st yr to final year..feels different..

of a bit of amusement

Bismillah. 

Salam to all Muslims and may Allah guide you to not-yet-muslims. 

So, while I'm alone at home and waiting for my BA-Na-Na cake to bake, I thought I might just update my blog. 

Yes, I might be a bit narcissistic writing for my own pleasure. hah. who cares if I am. I find it's nice. after a year, or even a month, u can recall what you've done with your time.  and having the memory of a goldfish is another pushing factor.  

So anyway, last Friday, I went to Cardiff for an IMAM event, a MABIT and a daurah. It was sort of a last minute catch the next available train and grab life where it takes you.  Alhamdulillah everything worked out well.  Managed to kirim kasut mama in between. 

Funny thing was, everyone who came to the IMAM event was interconnected one way or another.  It's very entertaining how Allah susun perjalanan hidup kita.  If I recall well, I went to the Dr's wedding who gave the talk 4 years ago. But i don't think she knew me then, or I knew her. Anyway, its interesting how having a good/soleh support system helps to nurture your life and the life of your kids.  I like the discussion at our dining table. The Dr was asking her dad 'why there aren't many people willing to get involved in voluntary work or become comitted in volunteering?'.  The dad answered simply 'Sebab tak ramai orang yang dapat masuk syurga'.  Heh. And everyone at the table was smiling in agreement. haih usrah..

Lately I've been thinking about marriage. a lot. or not. well it comes in waves, sometimes it comes then it goes. I blame the age factor.  I suppose having a housemate who might get engaged soon may also contribute to it? I'm really happy for her.  Although we have our ups and downs, I think she deserves to get married sooner. Haha it that that fair to say? hehe probably yes, because I know her. ^^

Anyway, just thinking about it doesn't get me anywhere.  I need to device a plan.  a proposal for 'How to get married sooner rather than later'. okay that's the aim. Now, I'm stuck with the objectives. So far, here's what I have:

1. Doa

2. Dekat kan diri dengan Allah.

3. Immerse in other activities that you enjoy.

4  Don't think about it too much.

5. Focus Final LONG CASE please. (maybe the most important one so far, after 1 and 2)

6. Trying to convert my non-muslim friends? haha.

okay, my BA-NA-Na cake is almost done :) hve to go. catch up with you soon. 

Anyway, insyaAllah Allah knows whats best. All the secrets are with Him.  I pray Allah gives me the courage to make a move or whatever. In the now or the future. 

he..he..I have to apologise bout the merepek list above. It's just for amusement with pinches of salt. ;p 

Till I write about more personal stuff again -not,

nadmj

of a splendid sunday

Bismillah,

so okay, yesterday (a Sunday) was such an ?awkward day. okay, maybe it's not the perfect adjective. ?awkward..yet exciting. ^^
basically twas an awesome date day with a tinge of adventure with my fellow housemate of almost 5 years, Nur or 'Newwwrr' as how the mat Sallehs would pronounce it.

We set out without any luck of having mr sunshine, raining cats and dogs all the way.  had a splendid brunch at Patisserie Valerie before embarking on our journey to the north? east? west? south?.. Basically the plan was to catch the 12 o'clock train to Cardiff to hang around eat out and return to Bristol by 6pm as I have an IMAM meeting. Unfortunately we reached the ticket counter at 12.01. So...we decided to cancel the trip to Cardiff as the next one would be in 2 hours. So a new plan it is.

'We could potentially go to BATH?' I said, although it is the ummmph-teenth time going there.  we both exchanged sighs. followed by reluctant smiles.

30 minutes...
staring at the departures screen.. with hopes of getting an 'ilham' for our next adventure. 'How bout just taking the next available train?' sounds good?  To SOUTHAMPTON?
no way! that's too long! defo can't make it back before 6.

READING?
what will we do there?
okay, anyway, we decided to go to the ticket machine and find out costs for some journeys.
OXFORD? sounds interesting! and the price is quite okay. 12 pounds for return with railcard. and not that far. but..
NO TRAINS going to Oxford on SUNDAY. 'Seriously?'

okay, let's just go to BATH.

and Alhamdulillah, twas fun. Tea at Sally LUN. it's okay. but i wouldn't have it too regularly.  There still needs to be a novelty aspect to it.  So I'm happy if it's just once in a lifetime thing.

BATH 10/2/13

LESSONS FOR THE DAY:

1) Alhamdulillah, so going out does cost quite a fortune.  I'm lucky it's just me that I need to pay for.  Imagine having your whole family to make the experience become such an experience.  Thing about this is, I've been stuck for so long in Bristol that I just wanted to free my head and get out of Bristol for a bit, even if its only a couple of hours.  And Alhamdulillah, felt much better afterwards, in terms of my focus, my motivation and efficiency.

Because I realised that the pleasures that you experience in life are luxuries that Allah has allowed you to experience.  there's so many people out there suffering, hurting, destroying themselves just to keep on living.  I know there's other atrocities and suffering happening in this world, but I'm referring to the BBC documentary about India.  How heart-renching is it to see people going in sewer where there's najis just to collect the soil water to sell it and them to sieve it to find traces of gold? and then with their own hands mix nitric acid, mercury and other hazardous chemicals without the use of any gloves and then rub their palms on the wall so that the burnt skin will peel off?

so maybe the description is too elaborate, the point being that people have dreams, no matter what their life may look like now, everyone has a dream.  If you are able to live the dream, be it that it may not be your own dream, it may have been someone elses.  But having the oppurtunity itself means that you should never let it go to waste.  and the fact that Allah has allowed you to have all these priviledges means that you have responsibilities to create a better life for the future and to serve Him, and other people.

In conclusion, I'm very grateful to be where I am now, although I haven't yet finish medschool I hope I'll be able to this year InsyaAllah.  And hopefully I can create a good life for myself and my family.  A life where money may not be a big issue. I don't mean that I'm going to be rich.  Just enough with the basics so that a bigger part of your physical, emotional and mental burden can be based for something else.  Such as serving the society, and being active in volunteering and such.  Mama once said, syukur tu tak cukup dengan rasa je, you have to do/give something back.

"Sesungguhnya kefakiran itu lebih dekat dengan kekufuran"

Ya Allah, please ease my affairs in dunia and Akhirat.  Please make Dunya my tool for reaching You and not the other way around as how the wise sister Yasmin Mogahed quoted in one of her talks.
Amin.

xx
nad

of today

What is life without love, what is love without struggle?

- nmj

Hehe, yes, my romantic side has yet re-emerged. please peluh besar everyone. 

Lately I've been reminiscing a lot about my past few years in the UK. As I have some problems with long term memory, I have to give myself some stimulation to remind me of the memories. So I like to look back at past photos.  Unfortunately, my laptop was stolen last year where it stored most of my memories in the UK. yup, so all the photos have disappeared.  So sad right.  Alhamdulillah there's some still remaining in this blog so I can have a glance every now and then, and remind myself of my life.

anyway, I don't really mind that much.  I hope the pencuri would have some kind of decency to pulangkan blk my photos from laptop even if he/she wants to take the laptop.  but living in reality, I know it's just me dreaming.  

heniway, what was I about to say..oh yes, so far my life in the UK has had it's fair share of ups and downs.  i'm sure everyone here feels that way, and the trials that Allah test us are tailored for each individual. 

I'll leave it here for now, I'll continue later. 

of the past

I was looking through my old entries and I found the following.  Reading it just strike a cord in me.  Oh Allah, I've come so far from you.  I just think I need to be able to miss You again, like I once did in the past.  It's definitely harder when you are distracted by other things. and also when you've become busier.  I need to clear my mind and get back to my old self again.  or at least the part where I long for You. 

You know when you feel like your hearts definitely gone 'keras'.  I suppose it's not really obvious until you sit back and try to fathom what's actually been going on for the past year or so and think about your actions.  And then you realise, what you've missed out and why you are the certain way you are or how you feel.  The thing about that is, in the end, it is always up to you.  No matter what everyone else thinks or says, it's up to you whether you want it, whether you want to work for it, or whether you want to change it. 

Oh Allah, please forgive my sins & mistake. I hope I can learn to get closer to you again.

It's only for You.

i'd like to cut my heart out
and place it gently in a beautiful box
with sparkles and colourful decors
and a lid attached on top.

and there, my heart would lie 
calm and peaceful it shall be
beating softly in a pleasant rhythm
waiting for the moment,
for it to be unraveled.

I wrap the box over again,
with shiny strands of red ribbon, 
hoping to show my affection,
also serving as a protection,
from all the wonderful temporary attractions.

and constantly I pray, I pray and I pray,so the box will remain hard and strong,
to combat the abounding tools of the thieves,
secluding it from the whispers of 'shaitoooon'.

as I find my way to His door,
using His written map as a guide,I pray that my small gift would be accepted,by Him, the most Loving of all,
Allah, my one and only Lord. 

Amin.
p/s: ya Muqallibal Qulub, thabits qulubana ala dinik, wa ala thoatik.

-nmj 20.14 on the 29/01/13 post 2nd long case

In the Nile

bismillah, 
Assalamualaikum, 
hello world...how are you?? ^^ 
I pray everyone's  fine and smiling even though things may not be going according to plan sometimes I hope your still smiling and bersyukur~
did you get the title? I'm in the nile (in denial) aheh =_=;

So I can't actually remember where I left of.  This blog feels so archaic.  But I'm so happy to be writing again.  Which makes me wonder why I even stopped..hmm..oh yes, the exams.  let's put some urgency to it..the FINALsss..meh, the thought of shutting this blog down for a bit so I would be more focused was not really the trick. I was still infatuated in other stuff. aaa~ why la.why know. 

Anyway, on to more serious stuff. Let's see what's happened in this past couple of weeks. hrm.. 
1) *hang on a sec, I just viewed my blog again..wah~ soo long I haven't updated you* there's so much that's been going on..ooh~ I just miss you more..aaa~ okay, back to business
Our house was burgled about a month ago I think, I can't even remember now.  And the mean pencuri stole my MacBook. sedeyh.. I found a replacement the next day.. I just lost hope of ever finding it again.  So the replacement..hmm ok la +ve thing is its a bit smaller and lighter very very practical for travelling. the not so good is it's not an apple so the internets a bit slower, and there's trojan here and there. but it's still holding up so kudos!! I will learn to love you vaio!

2) I've finished my rotation in Taunton.  Yes I know, the last post I was talking about my first week there. Now it's all over.  Feelings? mixed both happy and sad, and relieved and anxious and stressed..aa~ I was happy there were loads of adventrure, juicy gossips, more awkwardness, new friends, a bit of friendly flirting here and there (as if ;p), I mean just observing people flirting haha.

3) Erm, had my long case. ok fullstop. not really in the mood to talk about it.

4) So happy Disney is not on the boycott list anymore. well, cos I've bought tickets to Disneyland Paris this December for mama, abah, me and Adah.  Hope everything goes well and weather permits us to travel.  

5) Somehow I miss painting. 

6) I'm so bad with people complaining.  I know there's a difference between complaining and expressing your feelings (meluahkan perasaan) but sometimes it's just tiring.  I suppose I'll just get so involved if someone complains. Then my mood will just dampen..and get depressed hm..pelik..I'm sure there's someone else like me out there right? right? right? noo....?

7) Finally, yes finally I have my exams coming up.  It's in 16 days. aaaI don't know whether I'm preparing much for it.  Doesn't actually feel like it though. hrmm..

Ya Allah, please protect me.  From all the negative feelings and sifat2 mazmumah seperti kemalasan, tidak menepati janji dsb.  and please let me pass this exam.. and berkati masa kami. 

Amin.  

my ramble for tonight hihi 
22.23 (22/11/12)

May PEACE be upon you

Well hello there..eh, eh..Assalamualaikum :) duduk dgn mat salleh boleh lupa bg salam. ngeheh. ;p
It's been ages since I last wrote to you..who? you..yes you. who?..my bloggy blog blog..

It's been 3 weeks into my final yr and man..is it a roller coaster ride..first day masuk ward dah kene clerk patient utk masukkan dlm file, take bloods and do AMT kat nenek yang dah hilang pendengaran. -_-; tula jd kalau nk cuba kamcheng ngn F1..:(

but Alhamdulillah alls well..housemate ok..cuma dorg rajin sket ajak makan sama2, tgk tv sama2, masak sama2..minum teh sama2..huhuhihi..ok je..cuma kdg2 nk buat lawak mat salleh tak reti..and nk g solat sume..akhirnya secara tak langsung mengurangkn masa hangout dgn dorg..

so hm. apart from that..myself..Alhamdulillah..amik my regular tablets..cuma smlm prsn terlebih penat, pastu harini muka mcm flushed and badan terasa panas..haa..cuba bg differentials..

kueng kueng..mungkinkah UTI..mungkin..tp kene g GP bristol utk dptkan ABX. ke boleh je g A&E Taunton ni..

Takpela..sila bertahan wahai diri..MUST find paracetamol esok.!

Miao~ ICE ROOM post tarawih Ramadhan ke berapa entah..<3 br="br">

savings for a rainy day

bismillah..

when one is far away from their family and love ones, and distance is a major problem preventing any help or aid to be delivered instantly to them, one often asks Allah to watch over them and guide them in the best possibleway. 

and so today, can I ask Allah for another favour, to add one more onto my watch list, please watch over my car as well, I know I haven't been showering it with much love.  but it's all alone at the moment on a sideroad which I'm fearing for its safety and from the deathly glare of the ticketing man..can You look over him/her so that it can stay there as peacefully as possible until I come again to fetch it with a tow truck on Monday?

May You grant us the best way and guide us towards what is right. and may everything run smoothly...Ameen..

much love,
nad

of a box of krispy creme

Bismillah..

Alhamdulillah All Praise be to Allah..

How to start? So I am currently in the midst of finishing up my puasa-puasa which i need to replace (this sounds funny -ganti..)..having the propensity of a rapidly engorging stomach, I prefer to fast during times of pure relaxation..especially during the long summer days..so you may wonder how I was able to make it through school during Ramadhan? It's probably due to Allah's mercy..you know how there's barakah during Ramadhan? I think it's partly in enabling people who can't usually withstand fasting on busy days to actually go through the day without major difficulty..nice kan? I've sort of realise this for the past few Ramadhans..and my mom as well..because she normally gets reflux and gastro problems especially with fasting but Alhamdulillah she doesn't get it during Ramadhan or if it does it's still under control..

Anyway, yesterday was an  awesome day Alhamdulillah..although the start was a bit shaky..we were supposed to travel to London for Dakwah Talk on Saturday..and we missed our train because of some lame reason (for once it wasn't because we reached the railway station late), we waited for the bus to get back home for 20 minutes but was totally ignored..then decided to walk but bumped into someone we knew for 10 minutes then came another bus, which we were able to get on and then contemplated what was the best way to get to London..Megabus? but the next bus will make us arrive around 5 which is quite late and not worth the travel..so to cut things short, I just renewed the car's road tax and drove to Edmonton..after much contemplation and trying to decipher signs from the higher power, we finally left at 1 in my car that hasn't received much love recently.. Alhamdulillah we reached at 3.30pm.  

The next day it was amazing because we had an Amazing Race running across London with my very very lovable team members..So I, who am still a London half-virgin went to Royal Albert Hall, London Eye, Malaysia Hall and Trafalgar in a day. we set off at 9.30am and finished at 1.30pm. So that was that, we didn't manage to win but we were able to grab some unforgettable memories. 

Anyway, I thought the programme was really nice.. and I liked Kak Koca's tazkirah subuh although I was really struggling to keep my eyes and ears working..anyway, it was on Sabar which there's 3 - sabar in following Allah's command, sabar in leaving maksiat/jahiliyah and sabar in expressing feelings.. so how can we do it? by remembering that our reason for being created and appreciating the idea of being servants.. and the best sabar is actually at the beginning of calamity.  Also, sometimes bad things happen but good things can also become a trial to us..I think that's some of the points which I could force out of my brain.. It was short but very sweet.. Just like dodol.

Okay, here's some very terrible photos just for your viewing..

Alright, I need to finish up my painting.

See yah laytah alligaytah..

p/s: Welcome baby Adil into the world.. flying kisses and hugs from Aunty Angah :) xxx

-nadmj

1 down, 3 more to go..

Salam. Peace.

Well hello there world..I see you've been having a change of mood lately..especially towards the 'brighter' side..if you know what I mean..*snickers* kihkih..my attempt of making a joke is such an embarrassment..

Alhamdulillah the weathers finally changing..huhu in Bristol that is..not so sure about the other parts of the world..

If you are not yet well aware or up-to-date with my so called self absorbed life, I am in the midst of my final 4th year exams..huhu..although you may think i am chuckling because i'm happy, it is actually the total opposite..i have damaged my brain with too much force and staring or rather glaring toooo long at the words in my books without actually comprehending what it means..

as a summary, i think i've somehow short circuited my brain..nauzubillah..

this is total ramble..the most pointless so far..

bosannye exam!! saya suka belajar tapi benci exam..
yaAllah please help me, please make doa for me..you are very kind, thank you :)

Also, i would like to give a huge shout out to my dear naqibah k alya and my dearest friend yaya for their recent marriage..barakallahulakuma~ i'm truly madly deeply happy for you guys..i think finding a spouse is a very big rezeki from Allah and shows how merciful He is..may your marriages bring lots of happiness and bring you closer to Him Ameen :)
 ah~~ i just love marriages and wedding~ too bad i'm going back to malaysia during Ramadhan so there won't be any weddings i can attend..hwek..takpela..ade rezeki dpt la pegi next yr..

Heniwey, I should continue revising paeds..see u ols later.. hopefully when i'm a bit more sane..:)

Below are just some random interesting bits before exam season to add to my year's collection! nipped from FB.

Mohon doa semua ya! Jzkk..

-nmj
1 down, 3 more to go...

Jangan putus asa!

jauh..terasa jauh..jauh daripada pandangan Allah..
oh dear. harus mencari cinta itu kembali..

Allah..peliharalah kami dan jangan bagi kami lari terlalu jauh..

yosh!! harus tanam kurma walaupun esok kiamat..

misi mencari cinta bermula! bismillah..bismillahitawakkaltuallah..moga Allah redha dengan usaha kami dan berikan kekuatan emosi, mental dan spritual utk mengharungi saringan akhir 4th yr ini Amin.

-nmj

of looking, searching & finding

Dear blog, 

Today I went on an impulsive act to catch a bus, then a train ride back to Bristol and then back to Swindon again in a day.  To be honest, it wasn't totally impulsive, i'd say about 60% impulsive.  I needed to collect some stuff from the office so I just figured since I'm giving myself the day off (mind you: it is a Thursday btw) might as well get some errands done. 

And Alhamdulillah, it made me feel a lot better. If you haven't noticed, I Loooove to travel, the only thing that makes it not enjoyable is having a lot of stuff.  So today I just had my laptop and my hand bag, myself, the whole wide world and Allah.  =_=; forgive my drama queen moment..  

At the bus stop while waiting for the bus back to Swindon, there was this black lady chatting with a white lady.  Somehow they didn't look right, as thought the white lady was bullying her.  Anyway,  that wsn't the point.  I felt like the black lady is Muslim, cos she had shawl hanging lazily around her neck and I think she looked like a Somalian lady.  

The bus came and I went on and got a seat.  After a couple of people then the she went on and sat down.  As I was looking at her, I sort of felt angry at why isn't she wearing the shawl on her head.  But then the better part of me told me that it must be a hard life for her.  Looking at the way she was holding her groceries and her demeanor sort of hit some sense into me.  I shouldn't judge.  She must be fighting her own hurdles in life to become a better person/Muslim.  and I'm quite sure coming from a low social background must have made things more difficult.  And I felt sorry for her.  Sorry that I judged her, that I didn't act kindly towards her.  

A few minutes later, as the bus was moving I sensed someone watching me. Probably her, probably because she knows I'm a Muslim.  And as I looked back, I smiled at her.  A half smile.  Fearing it would be too awkward to give a full blast smile to a total stranger.  In my smile I wanted her to know that I understand her striving to become a good Muslim and that you will be able to go through the rough challenges in life.  Is it too ambitious to hope that she understood it?  anyway, she smiled back at me.  A half smile.  She was looking at the passengers behind me as she did, I guess fearing the same as me, that it might spark some surprising looks from others.  

And then another emotion crept up, I became angry again, why must Muslims be associated with all the bad things, the terrorists, the poor status and everything.  Hwhyyyyy?  Pendek kata multifactorial.  Sedih. Masalah umat, masalah peribadi, masalah pendidikan, masalah korupsi, masalah tak paham agama betul2, masalah kurang motivasi, semualah...

So that was that.  

And I learnt, that kindness is thinking about other people and acting in the most pleasant way possible.  

Coming from a background of having a self admitting low EQ, a loner and never giving a hoot about what my actions would give to others, it's such a huge change to do.  

Kweng. Step by step we can make it...lalalala~~

BOSAN! Boleh tak lepas habis belajar medic nak ambik second degree in architecture? or artsy martsy or social sciences ke..

Oh Allah, ihdinassiratal mustaqim..

I still haven't found my true calling~

Hai kawan2..MARI BELAJAR! ya Allah jadikanlah saya rajin.. dan otak geliga..Ameen 

asik nk lari2 travel je..belajarr ke mana entah...

-nmj

the niggling inside my head

Lately I've been wondering..what's going to be with my life..bosann..sikit sikit bosan..

Depression? anhedonia? to be truth, I haven't really allowed myself time to enjoy my hobbies..erm..so can't really make a diagnosis..other symptoms..very vague..ah benci..but the other day, I called home and I ws back to normal..hm..weird stuff..

Anyway, enough with the self pity..

Palestine prisoners are stripped from their human rights and I'm here sobbing about being too bored? Baka. baka. baka.

haritu tgk blk Beautiful Life & the memories of my younger years came back..and so, the dream when I was younger also became fresh again.. hehe :)

Allah, only You know best and only in You do we seek courage and strength..

btw, happy 28th anniversary to mama & abah..may Allah protect them dunia and akhirat & give the best for them insyaAllah..
luv you both~

to myself: Gambatte please!
-nmj