1 down, 3 more to go..

Salam. Peace.

Well hello there world..I see you've been having a change of mood lately..especially towards the 'brighter' side..if you know what I mean..*snickers* kihkih..my attempt of making a joke is such an embarrassment..

Alhamdulillah the weathers finally changing..huhu in Bristol that is..not so sure about the other parts of the world..

If you are not yet well aware or up-to-date with my so called self absorbed life, I am in the midst of my final 4th year exams..huhu..although you may think i am chuckling because i'm happy, it is actually the total opposite..i have damaged my brain with too much force and staring or rather glaring toooo long at the words in my books without actually comprehending what it means..

as a summary, i think i've somehow short circuited my brain..nauzubillah..

this is total ramble..the most pointless so far..

bosannye exam!! saya suka belajar tapi benci exam..
yaAllah please help me, please make doa for me..you are very kind, thank you :)

Also, i would like to give a huge shout out to my dear naqibah k alya and my dearest friend yaya for their recent marriage..barakallahulakuma~ i'm truly madly deeply happy for you guys..i think finding a spouse is a very big rezeki from Allah and shows how merciful He is..may your marriages bring lots of happiness and bring you closer to Him Ameen :)
 ah~~ i just love marriages and wedding~ too bad i'm going back to malaysia during Ramadhan so there won't be any weddings i can attend..hwek..takpela..ade rezeki dpt la pegi next yr..

Heniwey, I should continue revising paeds..see u ols later.. hopefully when i'm a bit more sane..:)

Below are just some random interesting bits before exam season to add to my year's collection! nipped from FB.

Mohon doa semua ya! Jzkk..

-nmj
1 down, 3 more to go...

Jangan putus asa!

jauh..terasa jauh..jauh daripada pandangan Allah..
oh dear. harus mencari cinta itu kembali..

Allah..peliharalah kami dan jangan bagi kami lari terlalu jauh..

yosh!! harus tanam kurma walaupun esok kiamat..

misi mencari cinta bermula! bismillah..bismillahitawakkaltuallah..moga Allah redha dengan usaha kami dan berikan kekuatan emosi, mental dan spritual utk mengharungi saringan akhir 4th yr ini Amin.

-nmj

of looking, searching & finding

Dear blog, 

Today I went on an impulsive act to catch a bus, then a train ride back to Bristol and then back to Swindon again in a day.  To be honest, it wasn't totally impulsive, i'd say about 60% impulsive.  I needed to collect some stuff from the office so I just figured since I'm giving myself the day off (mind you: it is a Thursday btw) might as well get some errands done. 

And Alhamdulillah, it made me feel a lot better. If you haven't noticed, I Loooove to travel, the only thing that makes it not enjoyable is having a lot of stuff.  So today I just had my laptop and my hand bag, myself, the whole wide world and Allah.  =_=; forgive my drama queen moment..  

At the bus stop while waiting for the bus back to Swindon, there was this black lady chatting with a white lady.  Somehow they didn't look right, as thought the white lady was bullying her.  Anyway,  that wsn't the point.  I felt like the black lady is Muslim, cos she had shawl hanging lazily around her neck and I think she looked like a Somalian lady.  

The bus came and I went on and got a seat.  After a couple of people then the she went on and sat down.  As I was looking at her, I sort of felt angry at why isn't she wearing the shawl on her head.  But then the better part of me told me that it must be a hard life for her.  Looking at the way she was holding her groceries and her demeanor sort of hit some sense into me.  I shouldn't judge.  She must be fighting her own hurdles in life to become a better person/Muslim.  and I'm quite sure coming from a low social background must have made things more difficult.  And I felt sorry for her.  Sorry that I judged her, that I didn't act kindly towards her.  

A few minutes later, as the bus was moving I sensed someone watching me. Probably her, probably because she knows I'm a Muslim.  And as I looked back, I smiled at her.  A half smile.  Fearing it would be too awkward to give a full blast smile to a total stranger.  In my smile I wanted her to know that I understand her striving to become a good Muslim and that you will be able to go through the rough challenges in life.  Is it too ambitious to hope that she understood it?  anyway, she smiled back at me.  A half smile.  She was looking at the passengers behind me as she did, I guess fearing the same as me, that it might spark some surprising looks from others.  

And then another emotion crept up, I became angry again, why must Muslims be associated with all the bad things, the terrorists, the poor status and everything.  Hwhyyyyy?  Pendek kata multifactorial.  Sedih. Masalah umat, masalah peribadi, masalah pendidikan, masalah korupsi, masalah tak paham agama betul2, masalah kurang motivasi, semualah...

So that was that.  

And I learnt, that kindness is thinking about other people and acting in the most pleasant way possible.  

Coming from a background of having a self admitting low EQ, a loner and never giving a hoot about what my actions would give to others, it's such a huge change to do.  

Kweng. Step by step we can make it...lalalala~~

BOSAN! Boleh tak lepas habis belajar medic nak ambik second degree in architecture? or artsy martsy or social sciences ke..

Oh Allah, ihdinassiratal mustaqim..

I still haven't found my true calling~

Hai kawan2..MARI BELAJAR! ya Allah jadikanlah saya rajin.. dan otak geliga..Ameen 

asik nk lari2 travel je..belajarr ke mana entah...

-nmj

the niggling inside my head

Lately I've been wondering..what's going to be with my life..bosann..sikit sikit bosan..

Depression? anhedonia? to be truth, I haven't really allowed myself time to enjoy my hobbies..erm..so can't really make a diagnosis..other symptoms..very vague..ah benci..but the other day, I called home and I ws back to normal..hm..weird stuff..

Anyway, enough with the self pity..

Palestine prisoners are stripped from their human rights and I'm here sobbing about being too bored? Baka. baka. baka.

haritu tgk blk Beautiful Life & the memories of my younger years came back..and so, the dream when I was younger also became fresh again.. hehe :)

Allah, only You know best and only in You do we seek courage and strength..

btw, happy 28th anniversary to mama & abah..may Allah protect them dunia and akhirat & give the best for them insyaAllah..
luv you both~

to myself: Gambatte please!
-nmj

of random feelings

rindu rumah & people in Malaysia...aaah~ benci.

mcm mana ni? you know when you were younger, you had a dream..a dream that one day you'll become someone successful..you'll have a family of your own and hopefully become someone useful to society. You keep thinking it's going to happen if you work hard enough.. Then you grow up, and reality hits you hard. OUCH..it's not that easy.  The road requires patience & perseverance & MOTIVATION.  Like a lymphoblast, you're young & naive. Then you become a lymphocyte, and start to reconsider it was just meant to be a dream and if you're really worth it.  I wonder if that day will come.. but I guess it won't if I just sit around and layan emosi homesick nih. Everyone has their own demons to fight in life.  Don't give up too soon!

The road is long, unpredictable and requires hard work.  Have you put your efforts in it?

Ganbatte neh! Fightooo~ OH!
-nad

My easter break

bismillah

TODAY (as off noon)
Made a routine house call today.  Mama asked the usual: "How's everything?" and the usual response would be, "ok..." I wasn't quite sure what to tell her. I think everything's good, I don't think there's any complaints.  And she said something that just made realise how arrogant I am, she reminded me.."Alhamdulillah..apa-apa pun: Alhamdulillah.  Kalau elok pun Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak pun Alhamdulillah juga".  senyap kejap.
Allah, sometimes ppl can be so self absorbed and forget to thank you. and I know one person for sure. -_-;

Last week she reminded me, "Angah buat solat dhuha tak? Baca lagi tak ma'thurat?" em..without knowing it, she's checking my mutabaah amal.
USRAH-TI.. And it makes me realise again & again how important a family instutition is.  Ah, I need to contact them anak-anak and asking how they're doing. -_-;


YESTERDAY
Came back from Zamir's house for bacaan Yasin.  I think it's very noble of him to organise the sessions & gather everyone together.  Rasa la juga hidup bermasyarakat Bristol. hehe although there are a few things that can be improvised, (boys can sit in front & girls at the back or somesort). but nevertheless it's a very good effort.

I'm not sure if I made someone hurt yesterday.  I hope she wasn't hurt because of me.  Hm..I wonder if I have some sort of disorder that makes me lacks empathy.  Oh dear, may Allah forgive us.

POINTS to ponder:
1) Share your failures and life experience with others
2) Bersangka baik dengan Allah & manusia - which is quite hard..but not impossible..BUT I guess being cautious is another thing. which I suck at doing.
3) Don't feel that Allah owes you anything but you Allah everything.



TWO Days ago: 
Our humble home played host to Ust Muhaimin and UG of Cardiff & Bristol and PG.  At first I thought it was going to be a small gathering.  But Alhamdulillah many came (with Allah's mercy).  And it made me feel so happy.  And the fact that Ustaz doakan tuan rumah.  Moga Allah redha.  Along asked how I felt, and I told her, "I'm very happy because our house could be of a small benefit." Feeling that ada juga gunanya nikmat Allah ni utk dakwah.  I hope this feeling would remain.

Okay, back to ustaz's talk, we did a very open (umum) session and there were so many interesting points from ustaz.  Some of which I remember since I didn't bring down my book for the talk:

1. "Kalau tak mampu buat semua, jangan pula tinggalkan semua"
2. Sensitivity terhdp ayat Allah.  Sahabat sgt sensitive dgn Qur'an.  cerita tentang sahabat yg mmg born with suara kuat. Bila turun ayat tentang larangan meninggikan suara depan Rasulullah, shbt tu  pula yg terasa & tak datang masjid dah. Although sbnrnya ditujukan kpd org lain.  I think maybe ustaz ada repeat a few points tentang AQ drp Spring Camp.  but I didn't go, so Allah bawa SC kat kita..I think it's such a blessing.
3. Qur'an sbg mukjizat & panduan. Rasulullah dikenali sbg seorg yang berakhlak mulia drp hidupnya oleh penduduk Makkah regardless oleh org kafir atau Muslim. tp tiada perubahan pun yg berlaku oleh penduduk Makkah.  Bila turun AQ baru lah berlaku perubahan. Dalam surah inna a'thoina Allah kata mlm lailatul qadr tu lebih baik drp 1000 bulan kan.  Jd kalau kita hidup 1000 tahun pun tanpa AQ tu tak bermakna langsung. Nak kata betapa hebatnya kesan AQ dalam hidup.
4.  Ustaz ckp juga psl hakikat manusia dan ruh.  Katanya yg berkekalan adalah ruh kita (tbhg kpd akal, nafsu dan hati).  Dan jasad kita tu tak kekal.  Jasad kita yg dulu dah hilang.  Contohnya cell2 yg kita waktu lahir semua dah destroyed.  even RBC kita pun bertukar ganti setiap 120 hari.  Jdnya sgt penting kita menjaga ruh kita dan membersihkannya sbb itulah yg akan dihadapkan kpd Allah di akhirat kelak.
5.  Hakikat ruh yg baik boleh ditinggikan kpd hampir sama dgn darjat malaikat & ruh yg buruk darjatnya direndahkan kpd darjat haiwan. cth: Hadith 2, bila mana malaikat dtg kpd Rasulullah & sahabat bertanya tentang Iman, Islam & Ihsan. ketika tu agaknya tahap iman mereka dah sama dgn malaikat.

Points to ponder:
1. Refleksi sejauh mana AQ tu dijadikan panduan hidup.
2. Haruslah menyucikan ruh & memberi makannya. Mutabaah amal.


THREE Days ago: 
Went to London to renew passport which is almost expiring. Ate at Malaysian Hall, noodle oodle. and went to see Wicked at Apollo theatre.  I think Wicked has a lot of morals in it and very unpredictable exciting and wonderful show.  Menarik juga kalau dapat berdakwah through arts kan. :)

Interesting points:
1. The value of friendship
2. The value of ilmu
3. Keburukan zina
4. Importance of perserverance in life
5. Importance of loving animals

It was more enjoyable because we went as a bunch (nad, hani, farihin, mus & ain) and dpt naik megabus double decker. hihi

As the rest of the days:
Study group & kemas rumah & etc.

So today marks the end of our one weekish Easter break.  Alhamdulillah for giving us this opportunity.  Hopefully this will help us to become better servants to You in one way or the other.

General points to myself:
1) Perlu lebih menghormati masa
2) Perlu lebih memahami perasaan orang
3) Relaksla..jgn jd imposing sgt..give alternatives..
4) Do things in small chunks from now..

Penatla type panjang2, bye, salam
-nad

My love note 2.0

lately ni rasa 24 jam tu sngt la singkat..masyaAllah..

dada terasa sesak, emosi terasa lemah, iman terasa goyah..Allah..

ujian demi ujian datang menjengah..sedikit pada diriku tetapi yang besar-besar pada sahabat-sahabat sekelilingku..

dalam kesempitan masa, kasih sayang, hak kawan, hak badan, hak pelajaran terasa ada yang terkorban..Allah..Astaghfirullahaladzim..moga Allah memandu hari-hari ku & memberi petunjuk dalam setiap keputusanku..

sememangnya kelemahan yg besar pada diri ini..

dan lebih pilu bila terasa tidak mampu menjadi sahabat yg meminjamkan telinga & bahu yang teguh kepada mereka..

akhirnya apa yang mampu adalah menyerahkan segalanya pada Allah, utk memelihara mereka..
oh Allah, please take care of my dear seniors..kak Aliyyah, kak Fardia, kak Farah, 'kak' Yaya & Nabun..wherever they are..

dan mungkin yang sepatutnya adalah menyerahkan semua urusan kita pada Allah di awal, pertengahan dan di akhirnya di samping berusaha sebaiknya..mungkin itu tarbiyyah yg tersembunyi utk diriku..kerana sememangnya manusia mempunyai limitasinya..

oh Allah, make us your slaves who are grateful to You and always think good of You. Amin..provide us strength to endure this journey with peace..oh Allah, indeed You are All knowing and only you know best..

i love you all.

my love note,
nad

of a weird learning point

salam..

juma'ah mubarakah everyone!

a bit of a weird rant today..

after being smacked in the face a couple of times this week..(figuratively) i am now in the world of not really giving a hoot of what ppl might think..because I have given some time to consider it, analyse it, thought through it and ended up with some sort of plan..therefore, all the emotions are thus unnecessary atm..

thing is, I am in great despair, and partly it was because I felt I couldn't live up to one's expectations..which is a very very heavy and dis-pleasuring feeling if you've ever felt it before..

and I know that living your life for anyone humanly related is not the way to go..since Allah should be our reason..therefore, after dissecting and doing some deep reflections, it has been made clear that I am actually disappointed in myself not because of being a loser in pleasing other people, but the fact that I haven't carried out or tunaikan hak-hak orang di sekeliling dengan sebaiknya..

and because of this so found revelation, I feel liberated..because time and time again, only you know what you are dealing with and of course Allah knows it better..and only you know what your capability is and if you haven't fulfilled the responsibility as should..i guess what's important is just keep moving on..whether time is on your side or not, be it rain or fall..until you develop a thick skin..for the cause of Allah..

and just a reminder for myself with a goldfish memory, "proactive is the total opposite of reactive" - remember, remember, remember..therefore, begone with all the whispers..

anyway, this is not intended to shoot anyone in the head..it's a learning point for us all or maybe just for myself O_o

anyway, talk to you soon..

wslm,  

nahdiya mj

back to back

oh dear, may Allah help me through this..please pray for me..ameen