"a society that stands on nothing, will fall on anything" - from the Arrivals series

let us pray to Allah that He will not make us among those who are deluded by the worldly pleasures and weakened by the imprisonment of our own thinking. insyaAllah. when we are made unaware of our own potential, that is when the Devil's advocates will take over.

whether in despair or in uncertainty, it is to Him we turn to. insyaAllah.



p/s: baik. harus berusaha utk exam. please pray for me. thank you ;)

salamun alaikum.

last week, i received a letter from British Gas for the house. and there, on the first line just below our address written in red, states: "You may have just overlooked it, but your latest bill of **.** pounds for the gas you have used is overdue".
to be fair, it's not that we didn't want to pay, we just haven't entirely settled our housing situation with the landlord yet. though that might just be our excuse to hold off the numerous notices sent before this, what surprised me the most was how the letter reflected a lot about the company's professionalism. they didn't just accused us of deliberately refusing to pay but they had given us the benefit of the doubt by assuming that we might have just overlooked the matter. which in our case, is probably what had happened. heheh ;p.

and honestly it happens a lot in our lives. we tend to overlook the things that have actually been reminded of several times before. and what makes it worse is that we don't even realize what we're doing is wrong. what is considered a norm in the society is not always what we should actually be doing.

so the other day i got a warning (although it might not be in fine red ink), but again, it made me realise of how much of unnecessary wrongful things I'm doing that I've overlooked. and I feel so burned (which metaphorically means how angry I am with myself).

what's important is that we recognise our wrongs and not only feel mad and disgusted with it, but we must also try to improve on bettering it.

so in conjunction with Maal Hijrah 1431, I would like to try and reduce or stop some of my bad behaviour which I have too many times overlooked as my new year's resolution.

"mereka membantahmu (Muhammad) tentang kebenaran setelah nyata bahawa mereka pasti menang, seakan-akan mereka dihalau kepada kematian, sedang mereka melihat sebab kematian itu."
(8: 6)

"yaAllah permudahkanlah usaha kami, lembutkanlah hati kami dan tetapkanlah pendirian kami. Amin."

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

a haunting of past history.
so what am I waiting for?


p/s: sedeh sedeh. saya bace. saya tak faham. past history yang ditinggalkan.

in search of inspiration.

(pastel chalk on canvas sheet, 1st try)

"mereka tidak akan merasa lelah di dalamnya (syurga) dan mereka tidak akan dikeluarkan darinya"
(15:48)

***

mama always thinks that gifts are more precious if they're handmade. oddly enough, the same way of thinking runs in the family. and we try to make it happen whenever we have the time. a pop up card for mother's day, a scenic painting for birthday, an origami crane for anniversary, an 'orang lidi' sketch from adah saying that she loves us all, and an "I'm sorry" card after a fight with siblings.
simple and inexpensive, yet truly priceless.

dear Mama n Abah, though i might not draw/paint things for you as often as i would have, it doesn't change anything, love you both as much as when i was first called an amoi~~~~ may Allah bless you both, insyaAllah. :)


*in homesick mode

dear myself,

this is a letter to yourself.
when you've set your mind on doing something. please do it if there are no other reasons for you not to do so.
or there might not be any other time for you to do it.

a simple reminder from yourself.

yours truly,
myself.

of a little finger

it's a complicated world we're living in. so we make our lives easier by giving generalizations on other people. is that fair?

just finished watching a cd borrowed from 'wonder man'. he gave a very strong warning about borrowing it. "if you scratch it, i will cut off your little finger."* haha. though it might have scared me, i still managed to watch it. ;p

Alhamdulillah, it was truly an eye opener. a compilation of short documentaries on Gaza - not forgotten, Imperial Geography, Promised Land, and Reel Bad Arabs.

anyway, i was really inspired by the Reel Bad Arabs. how without even realizing it, we are giving generalizations towards a certain ethnicity, group and in this case it was towards the Arabs. how the US political state is currently influencing the mainstream media in hopes of seeping into the minds of its society. how Hollywood reflects Arabs, Palestinians as violent, shallow and incompetent villains when in reality they are vulnerable civilians who are being crushed by heavy tanks and fighting over the rights to their lands with only their bare hands. how we are becoming insensitive towards the fate of others and dehumanizing other people. isn't our lives worth the same as theirs?

isn't it time that we move past this judgmental paradigm and try looking at different perspectives before coming up with conclusions? are the actions of a few people enough to justify the actions of the whole population? the same goes with terrorists. let's give an example, if there were 3 nerds in a class, does that make the whole class nerds? (huhuh. how ironic is this example? sorry!)

and there's this other aspect of seeing things in different aspects. just like the famous saying goes, "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" funny? but true.

and which reminds me that there's a lot more issues going on in this world that i'm still oblivious of. gotta start reading more materials laaaa....(besides the mountains of medical books that i so haven't touched yet) ok? huhuh.


"oh Allah please protect us from passing judgement on others. insyaAllah. Amin."


*that was meant to be a joke.

oh Allah.
i'm in need of a hug from someone.
preferably someone yg agak sedap utk dipeluk.
hihi. tq.

kueng kueng.

cuba baca/dengar ayat ni:

60 tahun compared to selama-lamanya.

rasa macam 60 tahun tu kejap sangat kan?

xlama dah. in theory tahu xlama. tapi.....
nak go through everyday pun rasa mcm penat.
apekah? haha.
tlg semangat sket boleh. ;D

p.s: heheh. xnk mati sia-sia, boleh?

'Allahummakhtim alaina bihusnil khatimah,wala takhtim alaina Ya Allah bisu'il khatimah'

bangun pagi

semakin hari, terasa diri semakin tua. usia hanya satu angka dan kematangan adalah nilaian subjektifnya.
terasa diri semakin asing. semakin keseorangan. meskipun pada zahirnya tenggelam di tengah-tengah lautan manusia.
terasa semakin perlunya berdikari. timbul satu kesedaran. bahawa tanggungjawab diri manusia terletak pada empunya nya sendiri.
semakin perlunya berserah diri. menyerahkan segalanya. dalam mengharapkan ampunan dan rahmat yang Esa.


p/s: aih. tiba2 rase jeles je ngn budak2 yang masih 'teen'agers nih.

reconstruction

an emptiness. a hideout. a temporary soother.

scratch that.
let's make some reconstructions.

a motivation. an inspiration. a hope. a dream. a rising.
an attempt. a start.


hm..that's better than nothing kan?

"Rabbana atina milladun ka rahmah. wa hayyi' lana min amrina rasyada." Amin.

kesejukan . my heater's not working. sobs. adakah ini utk menguji treshold kesejukan saya? hehe. Allah baru tarik nikmat tido dalam panas kejap da menggelabah kan. aduhai manusia. betul la org cakap. bila dlm kesusahan baru nk ingat Allah.

yaAllah. jadikanlah ku hamba-Mu yang sentiasa mengingatiMu dalam apa jua keadaan sekalipun. tika senang mahu pun susah. Amin.

i just made my blog private. heheh. i think i've put my life in the spotlight long enough. keeping things to myself. this is more me. more intimate. more reserve. and of course, (since no one will be reading this a part from me) more weird. heee ^_^

so yeah, i think i write better for myself. though my blog is purposely for myself, but since i've made it public, i do wonder bout what people might think of me when they read my blog. hehe. i guess it's just natural. hopefully, what i've written before and what people have read will bring us benefits and His blessings insyaAllah.

i'm hoping this blog will become public once again when i'm ready to show off my life. hahah joking2. till then. bye~ ;)

(p/s: currently missing my chicas in BBB)

ada org kate, 'it's all about life'. em, kalau kita tukar sket leh ke?
'it's all about the life after death?'. hehe. sounds scary kan? but maybe there's some truth in that?

unnecessary rambling

so i seem to find some strength in friends.
though it might demand an explanation, it's not hard to understand, i think.
no matter what, our strength comes from Allah jgk kan? haruslah kita keep praying and depend on Him sentiasa. (am i destroying the languages here?).
ah. too many things to put into words.
malas. ngeehee
btw, dear miss z, i'm so jealous you got to meet that 'person' (while i could only listen on youtube) :p heheh.


p/s: the start of a new beginning? hehe. currently in love with his new album. zain bhikha rules!

of Morrisons and Power Rangers

the precious smile.
the precious smile is gone.
that once before helped lit my life.
that made my day shine strong and bright.
that thrown the bats, cockroaches and vampires aside.
and made my burdens seem so light.

oh the smile.
which once resided on my face.
is deeper in my heart than what's on the surface.
the smile that was always there hidden in grace.
is finally lost and shall never be traced.

i want the smile
but never in vain
i want the smile
though it might not be the same
i want the smile
for a different reason
i want the smile
of pureness and sincerity again

without the smile we may be in dismay
but the smile you see, can be harmful in its own way
so here i am wiping the smile i once had away
praying that He'll replace it with a better one someday

p/s: i don't seem to be painting a lot these days. does it have something to do with snapping more photos instead?
so here's the part where i ramble. alright, so what if my attempted poetry sucks. hehe. i know i'm no good at it anyway. oh yeah, i sorta remember my first poem back in Year 2 in Sheffield. here goes..

"tweet tweet
to whoo to whoo
good night to me
good night to you"

i was 6 years old. and the poem was about an owl.

ah. the past weekend i went to Notts. kak ali drove. passed a few places. slept in a sisters house. was such a lovely house. and they were incredible people. through out the journey had a whole bunch of childhood memories flooding through my brain.

after more than a year here, i managed to finally go and shop at Morrisons!!!!! :D
though u might not understand why it is such a big deal, seeming that it's just like any other supermarkets, believe me, it is a HUGE deal. once a week i would go there with mama n bring our grocery trolley bag and do our groceries there. for 5 years. so yeah, that was the deal. hehe, the feeling of reminiscing my childhood days. ....it's just hard to describe. hehe

and in the car, i felt really safe. like my dad was driving. that this was one of the road trips to peak district, or botanical gardens, or manchester, or to the place where they sell the fresh fruit tableware that my mom was so crazy about a long time ago. hehe.

looking at how kak A takes care of her daughters just made me miss my parents more. i remember i would wake up at around 5 o'clock in the morning when my other sisters was sleeping just to watch power rangers. i would tip toe down stairs to the tv room but only be disappointed to find abah in front of the tele reciting the quran. I don't think he knew why i was awake and i would just tip toe back up to bed. sometimes if i was too tired i would just sleep on the sofa in front of my dad or on his lap. that was when i was 5.

now i'm _ _. so shouldn't i be thinking about the future instead?

of wonderful words and powerful feelings.

i should be doing some work.

i think this should do for now.

(61:14)

and the rambling continues

it's wet and it's cold outside.
and i'm feeling i'm such a long way behind..

as adah would say it "next time...harder please!"
okay, so i guess i should have to
try harder,
work harder,
pray harder,
and sleep harder?..heheh. kidding. ;)

no title

saya rindu mereka.

muscle

when the going gets tough, we get tougher? (byk muscle) ;p

when a friend asked an F2 doctor on how to learn to examine patients, he just said, "well..sometimes u just have to go in there and do it" he gave this cheeky smile and ushered us to a very sweet lady patient.

and there i was thinking hang on a second, i'm not ready for this.

but alas, it wasn't all that bad. true, it was daunting, but we managed to get through with it. the F2 was very helpful and he had this genuine act that really wanted us to learn something. and truth be said, i had gained a lot from that hour. the most important was to be confident and having the courage for our convictions.

and so i guess its the same in our daily lives (be it non-academic related stuff). its' quite impossible really to stop time and wait for things to come in our way. to go into things when we think we are fully capable. to be fully ready. to be sure that we won't be making any mistakes. to make sure we are going to be the best. but that doesn't usually happen now does it?
because as we ourselves take our time to grow, everything else also changes. it's all the dynamics and nothing with the statics. (hehe. this doesn't make any sense)
if we don't grab the moment now, we might be left behind forever.

so let's pray a lot for Allah's help and blessing. so He may guide us and so we may survive whatever it is that we're facing. (this bit i keep reminding myself).

and maybe sometimes its not so bad to make the plunge?

Peanut

right. in an hour i'm supposed to be at clifton to get a ride with my groupmates to a GP. and i macam tgh sgt rindu kt family. oh yeah, finished early at the BRI (where i'm currently having my clinical) so i came back home. i thought i could handle 30 minutes walk everyday to and from hosp. but dear me was i wrong. suddenly i'm hating the steepy hills of Bristol. alangkah tidak bersyukur nya saya ni kan. so i'm trying to look at it in a better light. exercise tu ok apa. increasing my bone mass before 30 is what i'm apparently doing. so that i could lower down my risk of getting osteoarthritis. and women has a higher risk than men. ahah. last year punya lecture.

ok. next topic. my sister's preggy. haritu she texted me. dahla i tgh jalan nk blk umah. hampir pengsan ku dibuatnya. berita mcm ni harus la call ok. 'angs, ur gonna be a makcik soon. i'm preggy~'. haha that's all i got from the text. Aiman x kesah~. as long as i know about it. thought she had quite an episode of mood swings before i came back to Bristol. seems my assumption was right after all. haha.

so anyway, haritu i called and asked da tau gender ke blum. she said blum lg. a few more weeks baru tau. right now the baby's basically the size of a peanut. oh yeah, and the baby has a nickname. als didn't want makcik housekeeper tau she's preggy so dia x bg adah sebut2 psl 'baby'. so skrg adah panggil baby tu 'Peanut'. and so we're all refering to the baby as 'Peanut'. hope it doesn't last till she's born. hmm..pikir blk, cam best lak name peanut. or chestnut..or hazel nut.

right. sila focus kpd kerja. ciao!

B to B

from Bangi to Bristol.
Alhamdulillah i've safely arrived on Saturday.
still dealing with a few unsettled stuff.
a whole lot of emotions but no time to deal with em yet.
huhuh.
oh yeah, and 2nd year seems much more fun!

gtg.

another week.

is everything okay? i hope they will be....soon insyaAllah.
another week and i'm back in Bristol. cramming my head with all sorts of jargon, meanings, equations and so on so fourth. huh. hope i won't get side tracked from the ultimate goal.

nenek just past away earlier this week, Monday, 14th ogos 2009, 24th Ramadhan 1430H.
"innalillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiun"
- To Allah we belong and to Him we'll return-

May Allah grant her His blessings and Jannah insyaAllah. al-Fatihah.

x perlu kot.

ah. sedih la. harini sgt sedih.
kenape? sry la beb. xley bgtau. ape org kate..secret.

harini..saya terpedaya dengan keterikan pancaran matahari. 'wah, hari ni sgt panas' bisik saya dalam hati. 'saya harus membuat byk laundry harini, supaya pakaian boleh menjadi crispy bila kering nnt. mama ngn abah mesti gembira.' bisik hati saya lagi.

ah. geram. 2 batch laundry da siap. nak jemur. tp hujan pula selebat-lebatnya. mcm mana nk kering ni..

x sangka, ingtkan setelah berhari-hari mendung, harini matahari akan menunjukkan belangnya. rupanya tidak. kerana matahari memang tidak berbelang.

sedih sedih.

mintak maaf. snanye ini bukanlah sebab utama saya sedih.

mungkin ini adalah cara saya memujuk hati. merepek bila sedih.

bola satu kepada bola dua. hello. bola satu kepada bola dua. over and out!

lari2 anak

"kalau dah tertinggal, sempat ke nak kutip balik dan sama2 berlari?"

hmm.

taken from a friend.
berusehe!!!
Ramadan kareem!

today.

exactly 52 years ago malaysia tanah airku tercinta reached it's independence. alhamdulillah.

semoga pemikiran kita tidak terjajah.

selamat hari merdeka.

of total rambling

today i woke up at 5 in the morning. which is quite unusual since i slept around 2 last night. and why was i up late? was doing a bit of reading. not any educational stuff. story book reading. hueh. and i didn't want to continue my night's sleep coz i'm worried if i wake up late n miss subuh. so yeah, after subuh i continued reading again. you know how these things could really get you really addicted. personally i'd like to think  i'm inculcating a good habit? ;pp

anyway, i don't know why but i'm finding the telly these days quite boring. hm. probably it's got something to do with the fact that i don't own a telly in uk. so it's not become somewhat of a necessity to me as it did before. anyway, yeah, i did manage to finish this book *wohoo for me*. i'm hoping to be increasing my reading speed a bit. i'm thinking it has somewhat improved. like before, i would say i'd read just a tad bit faster than a snail. but now, i'm guessing maybe the speed of a grasshopper. ngeee~

so it's 10.00 in the morning. i'm feeling bored. maybe i could bug someone in the morning. my bffs maybe? uhuh. nope. one's gone back to US already, another's gone to redang for the hols, one's in Kuantan, busy with her studies, the other's are probably enjoying their weekend back with their family. 

btw, yesterday, i was playing tap tap revenge in the car back from dinner. and i was bragging to adah that i got 100% wohoo la of course kan, then she said to me. 

"nape you nak happy2 pulak. bukannye you dpt pahale hundred pun. main game je"

well. i knew that. coming from a kid makes me feel more burrrrn!! ;p

anyway, i'm supposed to balik kg today. better get ready. 

of skies, banana boats and some awesome friends

i've always been fascinated with the sky. most of the time it's painted with some shade of blue. 
and when the sun is setting, it turns into an enormous piece of canvas splashed with cans of orange, purple, red, and yellow paint. wonderful isn't it? subhanAllah. and the best thing is. wherever we are in this world, we can always look up at the sky above us. signifying that we are still on the surface of this world created by Allah. and there is always a greater power above us all. heheh. 

so this is a view of the sky at Batu Feringghi Beach. it was a wonderful experience going to penang for the m06j reunion. seeing almost everyone there was such a great feeling. i'm sure it would've been awesome if there was the whole class. but it was still fun nonetheless. enjoying the beach, the breathtaking view of the sea, the gush of seaside wind waking us up in the morning, the wonderful scenery from Bukit Bendera, and of course the exhilarating banana boat ride. hihi. who could forget it. and to top up the fun, we got to ride an army truck. wicked kan!

the walking in the drizzle,  hot weather, the sunburn, the sweat, the thirst, the 'being squashed into sardines' by masses of indonesians, the waiting for the cable car, the foot ache from stepping onto the sharp rocks on the sea base, and the painful feeling of being beaten from a game of volleyball (so okay, this is a bit exaggerating ngeh ;p). 

it was aaaaaall worth it!. 

like a friend said, "there's no experience like the banana experience!" well, that quote was probably intended for the banana boat ride. hehe

so let's change it a bit

 "any experience is a great experience when we share it with the people we love" 

(awwwwww...that's like so sweet.) ngeh2.

love you guys. looking forward to many more reunions in the future insyAllah. 

teman kasih sayang

cepat je dia besar. pagi td dia x pegi sekolah.

 sebab? dia lupa ade homework kne hantar harini. isy2. last time i called her a "budak kecik". 

her response? "adah bukan budak kecik laaa, adah a young adult". 

tergelak je. baru darjah dua.

ironic kan,

the aged would love to be younger, while the young can't wait to get older.

life. very amusing.  

 hehe but for sure i'll miss this brat kt bristol nnt.

s.h.s.f.

salaam.
hihihuhuhaha.
alhamdulillah. i'm so happy.. my sister's wedding reception is finally over. thanks to Allah who has made all things possible.
i can now resume my holidays. and there's about 2/3 left. hehe. not that i'm complaining alhamdulillah. ;)

when i first started planning for this summer's holiday, i had a lot of things in mind. among the top ones on my list was lending more help to my parents. because honestly, being away from them really made me realize there was soooo much they had done for me. and i'm not sure if i will ever be able to repay them. so i was hoping these few months could somehow compensate for the 9 months that i was away. and since my sister's reception wasn't that far away, i was needed at home a lot. taking care of a few things that wasn't settled. and though i felt that this holiday was the time for me to educate myself. the time for me to give myself the tarbiyyah that i needed, my parents needed me much more.

i took this time to help my parents and hope that whatever i did this past few months would gain His blessings insyaAllah.

i'm feeling quite empty inside. i don't feel like i'm fighting a battle. i don't feel like i'm being tested. i don't feel that 'dunia' is something that i will be leaving behind and 'akhirat' is the place that i want to be. oh Allah, is this my punishment for drifting away from you?


suddenly i feel like Bristol is just the perfect place for me. *winks* ;p

thanks to a friend who gave me a quote from the quran. my spirit is now soaring high. *ayat poyo2 je heee* sadly i x ingat verse mane. aih. kene tanye balik.

p/s: s.h.s.f = summer hols so far?

hasrat yang terbantut.

haritu tu saya mcm teringin je nak makan McD.
ketika itu saya dalam kereta. kemudian saya pun cakap kat adik saya.
adik saya yang Darjah 2 pun berkata,

"youuuuu~ kenape you nak destrrroy the Palestine?"

ouch!
ok laaa. x jd beli.

a step back.

salam.
hiya. it's me again.

"welkam to Meleisia"

hehe. alhamdulillah i've safely arrived in Malaysia.
well, what can i say, it's now been a week that i've been making a fuss about the hotty hot hot weather. i think i should probably cut everyone some slack by now. hehe. it's only been 9 months i've left the country and i'm acting like it's already 5 years. soo~ the drama. ;p

right, it's 3.33 am and i can't sleep. i'm not sure if it's still the jet lag or i'm just not sleepy, either way, i'm up and doing a bit of rambling on this blog.

my sister's getting married insyaAllah. and i'm here to help out with most of things that ain't finished yet. and there's so much. alhamdulillah, i don't need to resit for my finals. which takes away an enormous load off my mind. so now, i can just focus with helping around the house.

honestly i am so not ready of letting her go yet.

i've always had this motto. although simple, it has proven it's worth to me.

"people change"

and so, i hold on to that everytime i feel so out of control about a situation.

i guess no matter how dear a person is to you, some part of them will always evolve into something different (and i'm not talking about turning into a mutant hehe). one's values change with experience. one's priorities changes with maturity. one's character changes with situation. one's preferences change with age. and so do ours.

chup! i guess, change is inevitable. but there are some things that remain the same. exactly the way we would remember it.


i miss those times.

(hihi. the last pictures my fav.)

a bit of stress won't kill you. (hopefully)

dear friends.
today i'd like to share with you a story. an incident that happened today. just now. and yes i'm still in recovery mode. heheh. but first. i'd like to share this ayat from the Quran, i'll tell you what's the significance of this ayat to me at the end.

'Tidakkah kamu tahu bahawa Allah memiliki kerajaan langit dan bumi? Dan tidak ade bagimu pelindung dan penolong selain Allah' (Al-Baqarah: 107)

alright, so here goes my story. as you know, last two weeks i was supposed to go to Galway, but due to some unforseen circumstance, we couldn't board the plane. alright so at that time, i did bring my passport along.

***

today. i finished my exams. alhamdulillah. feels really good to be able to stop thinking about it for awhile. i was planning on going to the library right after the exams to submit my online check in to Milan this Saturday. which required my passport details. so this morning i started looking for my passport. and almost forgot the fact that i had exams in an hours time. anyway, i thought oh well, don't let my nerves get the best of me. keep cool for the exams. i'm sure it'll turn up after the exams.

so after the exams i continued searching for my beloved and now very protected passport. but i couldn't find it anywhere. i began going through the stack of books and papers on my desk. looked in every bag i own, in each little pockets of my coats and jackets, in my closet, beneath piles of clothes, in souvenir bags for my family, under my bed, inside my drawer, behind my door, and even in the toilet. you name it, i've been through every single thing. and so i thought.

no!! this can't be happening to me. i was frantically shouting those words silently inside. i can't believe this. it's not the fact that my flight to Milan is in 2 days time but that without a passport means that i can't travel back to Malaysia. My homeland. My family. My heart.

no. I won't give up. I can't give up. so i kept back tracking, i kept praying silently, kept searching over and over again. once. twice. thrice. until i'm satisfied that i've felt and squeezed through everything.

i was tired and mentally exhausted. but i can't stop. i can't sleep. i can't eat.

until it was time for me to accept the reality. "I've definitely lost my passport." aaa. I was practically screaming inside. but something held me back. it was partly my exhaustion and partly faith. hehe.

i had to stop. i had to think. i had to move to the next step. yes, my passport is lost. so what next?

with a broken laptop i couldn't search for any info. so i had to borrow a friend's. and yes it was a bit depressing. but that is my challenge. a test to my patience. a test of faith.

i wanted so much to call my family i couldn't handle it alone, not with all the buziness surrounding everyone at this time. with all the packing, and the travelling, and the bbq preparing. i couldn't possible make it more stressful for them. so i kept it alone. kept it cool. *konon2 anyway* hehe i wanted to let it out so much. the pain, the frustration, the tiredness. but no. i can't cry. i'm a big girl. i can handle this.

yes, this is a test. a test for me. a test of faith. i must be strong. i have to. oh nahdiya, this is such a small test compared to the ones other people are facing around the world. you cannot be weak. as the saying goes, 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. and it is true. i kept telling myself. Allah is preparing you for something bigger. if you can't handle this small hurdle, how are you to overcome a bigger challenge in the future?

at last, i couldn't take it. tears kept running down my cheeks. not because i was sad or disapointed with my fate. it was dissapointment and anger in me. in myself for being too weak. "oh Allah, i'm sorry for crying, for not being able to cope with your challenge, for i know, it is only meant to make me stronger. You are the one that is always looking after me, so i shouldn't feel this weak. oh Allah i beg you, please give me strength to go through all this" and so, in a trembling voice i kept pouring my heart out and praying to Allah.

i wanted support, something to hold on to. something to soothe me from the tears. so i turned to the Quran and started reading it. after a while, my voice began to stabilize, and i was tentalized by the words. Alhamdulillah. it was just what i needed. assurance that He is the Almighty, the Protector and the only One that is capable of making all things possible.

anyway, Alhamdulillah, not long after my 'breakdown' Allah eased me from my problems. i've found my passport!!! :) where? mm. let's just say it has something to do with barakah from guests visiting and prayers from friends. ;)

Alhamdulillah.

p/s: haha, I'm sorry if the entry is a bit dramatic. but like I said, it did just happen. and I'm still recovering from the 'shock' hehe.

terminator salvation!! Awe-suhm!!

heaven on earth?

what time is it?
summertime. it's our vacation.

guess which musical is the song from? heheh. i'm not gonna tell yah.

it's already summmer here. the weather's nice. people going around with their shades on. colourful outfits decorating the pavements and streets. parks and gardens blooming with flowers. bbq's everywhere. family's having an outing together. the air filled with cheerful laughter. it gives such a lovely atmostphere and incredibly nice to see.

sometimes i would think, is this their impression of what heaven might be like. hmm.

it's so easy to get carried away with their lovely clothes, their minis and shiny hair. but again, we believe in a heaven that is far better than what we could imagine. and it's surely nothing comparable to the things that we experience on earth. so be it, if we have to endure a bit of the hotness with a few extra clothings to cover ourselves. coz what we're after is not here on earth. heheh

sometimes i would go on thinking 'it's so much easier for the Muslim men in summer. they can wear anything in this hot weather. their aurat is different from ours.' haha (i know, this is so tahpape)

then again, with all the flesh flaunting, and the oh-so sensuous summer look. they would probably have to cover their 'pandangan' more from the women. haha. so basically. it's just the same either you're a man or woman. there's different things that needs taking care of. huhu hihi but hopefully we'll be able to overcome it insyaAllah.

anyway, have a lovely summer. may this temporary freedom of being away from books will bring us many other benefits insyaAllah.

what is it with emotions and anger?
can''t you just ignore it and keep a distance before that rapid uncontrollable fire just eats all of you up.
then you'd be left to clean up those black ashes that you just caused
which won't have happened in the first place if you'd just get a grip of yourself.

people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
so i'd say anger makes the syaitan grow fonder. (haha that's like so original la kan) and no. nobody would want to satisfy the syaitan.

so control your anger ye!

p/s: having no laptop is currently taking it's toll on me. ai. i so can't wait to get back home. but now. i seriously need to get my act straight. Studylaaa!

of budak kecik and an unexpected turn out.

hi there.
Today's another bank holiday in this part of the world called UK. And guess where I am? in the train from Hull to Bristol. Since my laptop's broken down, I'm using my handphone to go online. Resourceful ey?

It's quite surprising how my weekend turned out to be. For weeks me and my friends've been planning to go to Galway. We were supposed to visit cliff of moher and Connemara. we were already at the boarding gate when we didn't get access to pass through. Why? I'll tell u bout that later. Hehe. So we then decided to take a detour n went to Hull to visit my cousin who's been inviting me over for quite a while now but I've been putting it off due to exams and all. And so just

*right, just as i was feeling kinda cool writing the blog on phone, especially time jiwang2 tengok luar tingkap train. heheh, the application just cut short my words, leaving my entry hanging*

oh never mind. i'll just continue using a proper internet-connected device a.k.a a laptop ;)

ok, so where was I? ha, yes, and so, just as we were heading back home from the airport, the idea to visit my cousin Safwan suddenly sprung out of my head. after getting my uncle's permission to spend a few nights there we continued the journey to Bristol Temple Meads Train Station to board the last train to Hull which is at 6.30 pm. successfully enduring 5 hours on train until we reached my cousin's at 11.30 at night. ah. so penat. anyway, my uncle and cousin gave us a warm welcome and watched a bit of al-Jazeera and arabic channels. and that was it for the night.

the following day, we went Bowling, went shopping at city centre, Safwan insisted that he needed to buy new trackies, a jacket and a pair of shoes, (i don't want to spoil him but who could resist those pleadingly cute eyes) and on our last evening there we played football at the field, and he showed us around University of Hull. where my aunty used to study. she's in Malaysia now. before we headed back home, he showed me his school.

then at night we all would cuddle up under the duvet to watch movies on his laptop. and though it might seem like just a normal thing, i know that it meant more to him. before we all went to bed, his dad would bring us tea with milk and cardamon. Ah. Just reminds me of my mom bringing me hot drinks at night.

although it was only a few days, it felt nice to have given him the comfort of having family around. and having kind friends who were there to accompany me just made it an even meaningful and wonderful trip. thanks Huney and Qutiyyah! -

insyaAllah i'll try to come and visit you again.

before i left i gave him my phone number and skype. just as we were leaving his house, his dad said in an Arab accent "come again and stay longer next time because Safwan suka you come". which really meant a lot to me. because truthfully, i'm quite scared of my uncle. haha. and i don't know why.

i just got his skype message on my phone:

Safwan: hi how are you?

safwan: i'm bored

safwan: i'm at an internet cafe

safwan: even though

safwan: i have internet

safwan: at home

safwan: lol

take care budak kecik!

don't read

harini. saye rase diri saye sungguh jahat.
saye geram dngn diri saye.

i felt like writing so much. but my mood just wept it away.

oh Allah, please forgive my sins.
and my dear sisters in Bristol, which i have learned to love more and more each day,
if i have wronged u in any way, please forgive me.

for i know there's a lot of imperfections in me.
of my querkiness. of my weirdness. and attitudes.
slowly i'm trying to purify them.
from the dark spots that just darkens my heart.
from the one's that make me proud,
the one's that make me arrogant,
that makes me selfish,
and at times intolerant.

oh Allah. please hold me dear.
guiding me into the path that i choose to walk.
of which I hope will lead me closer to You.
hoping that i may never go astray.
and so i pray.

p/s: i'm starting to think this blog is becoming a bit too mushy. or maybe it's just something to do with the fact that its 1.30 in the morning. hmm. a quote from a friend 'you have to be masters to your own emotions'. or something like that. i guess it's never good to get too dwelled up in them anyway.


ciaozer ;)

aaaa!!! pb pb pb!! awesomest most awesome!!!

Set-a-light

i made a new painting. and yes, there is supposed to be a meaning behind it. with all means, please do try to interpret it. hehe.

well ok, i guess it's not really fair to let you figure it out on your own. let me just tell you then.

"set-a-light". (a cheesy title. hehe)

this painting is supposed to remind me of the reason that underlies our actions in life.

have you ever heard the saying about 'being friends and caring for someone for Allah's sake?' well, i've heard it a couple of times, and it always bugs me when someone uses that phrase coz i don't really understand what it means. i've tried discussing it's meaning with friends but alas, the answer is still vague.

that was before.

i now know what it means based on a simple satellite analogy given by Ust. Mazrul. here's how it goes, from our satellite station, we push a few buttons to send out a signal to an orbitting satellite (our main goal) which in turn will transmit it's signal to a receiver on earth.

so here's where we apply it. as Muslims, Allah has told us to care for another Muslim just as we care for ourselves, and to bring him/her towards His path. and so, because of our faith, this should be reflected in how we conduct ourselves and also by how we befriends with each other. reminding them for what is good, and preventing them from doing harm.

i guess it applies to every single thing that we do actually. no matter where we are, either on an isolated desert or in outer space, we have to try and stay true to our purpose in life.

anyway, i was having a chat with this friend. she said something about how physicists could only estimate 30% of the existing mass in outer space.

so what actually constitutes for the rest of 70% of the mass?

well, we don't know. somehow it just humbles us seeing that our knowledge is just like a drop of water from the seven seas. and that our Creator has created this huge universe where the majority of it we don't actually have the ability to know of.

doesn't it just send shivers through your spine knowing that we are only a teeny weeny dot that may not even be visible in this vast dark space of unknown matter? SubhanAllah.

ah. just another reminder for myself. (and for you too if you like ;)
hopefully by writing it down, i'll remember it better, and so i won't get irritated if someone uses that phrase again. insyaAllah. hehe.

ciaozerr!

a bit of rambling

sooo many things i feel like writing. but i sooo don't have the laptop to write. haha. (not that i'm whining). i guess it is actually a blessing in disguise. anyway, 2 things that i need to note down today (since i have short term memory, i don't think a mental note would be enough. ahax):

1. jihad. sume org perlu berjihad. haha. masing2 punye jihad lain2. some might be visible to others, some might be an internal thing that bugs them. anyway, what's important is everyone pun nak improve kan diri masing2. and i guess it's important to understand that everyone have different background which leads us to facing our own battles. but apa2 pun, knowing that everyone's there for each other and we are actually aiming for the same ultimate goal will hopefully give the push and motivation that we need.

2. right, the second thing is about... ah. saye sudah terlupe. hm. oh ye. surah al-kafirun. surah yg menarik. ok. somehow seems like this blog is turning more into a personal notepad rather than a blog. sorry, can't help it.

amigos, bye2.

i just babble too much

words don't make up who you are. it's your actions that do.
so stop talking. and do something.

Pooof!

earlier today i felt that i really wanted to blog. but there wasn't anything to write about. and now.

pooof!

how quickly things changed.
i don't really feel like blogging but there's so many things that i think i need to write or else it'll just be another 'pengisian' that'll just dissapear from my mind into thin air.

today was a bank holiday. i'm not really sure what's it for really but it is a holiday in the UK.

and so having finished my exams last week. i don't really have much to do this past weekend. we did have a wonderful outing yesterday. me and friends. we played frisbee and enjoyed the beaming sun.

it was fun no question. still, it felt there was something missing. a longing for something. a feeling of hollowness. well, i guess it has been a while our usrah sessions has been on hold. due to exams and things. so anyway, today i was excited when we were told that Ustaz Mazrul was coming to Bristol to give a talk this evening. at least this week won't totally feel like a waste. hehe. i feel like this week i've just been occupying my time with unnecessary things.

right, just to cut things short. this is a list of what i've gained or what i felt was interesting today.

1. i haven't explored Bristol enough.
i just discovered there's an islamic centre near the sports centre where i play squash. it is basically a men's prayer room. but still, i never knew such things existed in such small places. today, i was fortunate enough to step inside and prayed there with my fellow Bristol friends. anyway, it felt good to be praying at a new musolla. it makes me feel like i am a musafir. like i've just arrived at a new place. but actually it's just about 15 minutes walk from my house. hehe. anyway it brings the feeling that we are actually travellers on the surface of Allah's world. it makes me feel that this world is temporary and that we shouldn't get attached to it too much. just as we are attached to the comfort of our own homes. but actually our homes will get destroyed one day. just as the planets, the sun and all of His other creations. i like the feeling that wherever we are in this world, we are under His surveillance and that He is always there protecting us.

2. Ya Allah, please show mercy on my parents.
Seeing how Ustaz Mazrul and Kak Affa takes care of their children while giving these talks and da'wa just takes my heart away. ah. so touching la. i just can't describe it. their sacrifice, their hardship, their tolerance. may Allah bless them. and may their children become anak2 solehah insyaAllah.
then i wondered how tough it must have been for my parents too. when they were going to all those MSM programs back then. how hard it must be for them to drag us around. take care of us. even though they weren't speakers, but still they had to balance between taking care of us and trying to listen to the talks given.
Alhamdulillah. i'm able to come back and see for myself how challenging it must've been for my parents and appreciate them more than ever now.

3. alright, so this is the part from the talk. ustaz said something about if we do something for Allah's cause then He will grant us rezeki from an unexpected source. so maybe i don't quite remember the saying but that's basically the gist of it. and rezeki can be in many forms. the ones that we usually associate it with is monetary rewards. but actually rezeki Allah is so wide. improvement in our Iman is also rezeki. Ustaz gave an example that if we fail in our exams, we might feel down and all but actually it might be a reminder from Allah that we are falling behind in our deeds, that we need to be more dependent on Him, need to pray more to Him, need to be more ikhlas in our actions. and actually by doing all these things insyaAllah we will improve our Iman. and that is probably the rezeki that He is trying to reward us with. but of course, we mortals are too shallow and too weak to understand all these things especially when we are too dwelled up in our own emotions that we sometimes tend to overlook these things.

4. so the next thing Ustaz explained was about Surah an-Nisa : 135 - 139. but my particular interest was on ayat 137. which Allah says

"Sesungguhnya orang-orang beriman lalu kafir, kemudian beriman lagi, kemudian kafir lagi, lalu bertambahlah kekafirannya, maka Allah tidak akan mengampuni mereka, dan tidak pula menunjukkan mereka jalan (yang lurus)"

let's pray that we won't be those people that Allah says in this ayat. because it is so easy to get swayed into maksiat and jahiliyyah things. so easy. i know. haha. anyway, if we feel that we are falling into the dark side, we have to quickly get away from it, refresh our iman and revive it. this is linked with the next point which is..

5. the importance of having usrah. and the significance of nasihat and caring for each other because of Allah. which is also one of the 7 characters of a Mukmin who will get protection from Allah in Akhirat.

so there's about 3 points about the usrah thingy. but i'm getting sleepy. so i think i'll explain it later.

6. the next thing is about, having the correct niat and purpose of life. well, basically this is the start of Ustaz's talk but because i'm not someone who thinks straightforwardly so i put it last. and so hopefully i will remember it better. since this is actually the basics of everything we do in life. that we are not the body that we project ourselves to be. but we are the souls of which lies inside our physical body. complicated much? hehe. not really la.

so our purpose is of course Akhirat. so what Allah says our duties are beribadat (to submit ourselves) and also to be a khalifah. two things that i need to ask myself is:

am i doing this because of Allah?
have i prepared enough to become a khalifah?

okay, i think that's basically it. i'm so needing my sleep rite now. eheh. tulah, lain kali lupe lagi nak bawak pen. kan da kene type. (syndrome malas nk hand write). hahah.

ciao people.

Do They Hear You When You Cry?

funny thing. woke up late. got dressed. was just finishing my last sip of milk from my cereal. 3 lectures today starting at 9, i thought. then suddenly i had the urge to check my timetable. huh. seems that i was wrong. i have only ONE lecture which starts at 10.

since i'm already ready for lectures and i have about an hour to go, thought i'd write about this book i've finally finished reading. i've put the book on hold for more than a month now because of my finals and all. i brought it along with me to Paris. planning to finish it during the trip. which is supposed to be before my finals. but well, you know how it goes. we could plan, but He is the one that makes all things possible.

still, i'm happy coz i could take my own sweet time reading it. getting wrapped up in its words. letting it play along with my emotions. and surprise surprise at the end my eyes were filled with tears. very very small tears okay.

personally, i blame the book. why did it have to be so touching?

the book is a true story about a young African girl who fled her country to US to seek asylum. she ended up in prison. she was treated like a convict although there was a separate area for refugees at some of the prisons where she was put. anyway, it was only until half way through the book did i realize that she was not detained because she'd committed a horrendous act but why was she treated horridly as a person who was convicted of murder. well, they don't tell you in the book. but it does make you think somehow.

that's just a simplification. and so a group of lawyers took on the case to get her released and accepted into the States. and all the complications they had to go through. as well as herself, where she had to cope with life in prison.

anyway what strikes me is how she kept her faith strong throughout all the extremities she was going through. She is a Muslim. Her name is Fauziya Kassindja. everyday in prison she manages to pray 5 times a day. using the bedsheets to cover herself for prayers. making herself brave enough to go against the guards and take her ablution every morning when there was strict ruling that they could only use water after a certain time.

and above all, i admire her dependency towards Allah. everyday she prays for Him to protect her. To show mercy towards her. To hear her cries. for more than a year she prayed for her freedom. and during that period, even though there were no signs that her prayers were heard, she never abandoned her faith.

for that, i'm truly inspired. because honestly, i'm not sure if i would have had her courage, her strength, her spirits if i was put in her shoes.

I was going through this Ayat which i think is quite relevant to this book. so before i forget, which i always do. i'll just write it down.

"Tidak ada sesuatu musibah yang menimpa seseorang, kecuali dengan izin Allah, dan barang siapa beriman kepada Allah, niscaya Allah akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu." (at-Taghabun: 11)