c-t-w-b syndrome

i'm having this can't-wait-to-balik syndrome. so lately i've been thinking a lot about people back home. and i mean a LOT. hehe.

anyway, i'm really starting to miss that little brat. she's in darjah 2 now. i'm wondering how she's doing.

the other day i was calling home. talking to along. and i was asking along what was adah doing. she said adah was in front of the telly. so i asked her, die tengah tengok tv ke? along said, xla, dia tgh buat buku latihan darjah 1. hmm, bukan dia darjah 2 ke. so i asked along again, nape die wat latihan darjah 1? dia ade exam untuk darjah satu balik ke? along jawab, xla. dia baru terjumpe buku tu. *hahaha*

******

i used to bathe adah since small. when she was only a few days old, when her eyes were still closed. so pure. so tiny. sometimes i would bathe her even when she's asleep. i'd hold her in one hand, and run water gently on her. haha, she was sleeping so soundly that i didn't think she knows she's given a bath. but now she's like so big. i'd get back pain if i try to give her a piggy back. yet, her habit of having people bathing her remains. so the other day, i told her to take a shower. then she said, she'd only shower if i wait for her and dry her off. so i said okay, fine. as long as she takes a shower, or else mama will be mad at me if she doesn't shower. so i waited outside the toilet for her to finish.

she opened the door and said okay, da siap. all shivery. haha.
i took a towel and dried her off. i could smell the sense of dettol cool (which i just bought for myself to try it out). she has her own shower gel. i think it's carrie junior or something. anyway, i asked her:

me: adah, u gune my dettol eh?
adah: a'a. u boleh smell ke?
me: a'a. best tak? rase sejuk kan.
adah: best. rase cool je. macam puasa hari thursday.
me: *blur* huh?
adah: yela, kalau org yang puasa hari thursday kan nanti dalam kubur dia rase cool je.
me: *erk.

haha. seriously i was speechless. i never told her that. i think she learnt that in school.

*****

well, a few months before i finished my probation period for my driving license, i nearly came into an accident. which Alhamdulillah nobody got hurt and which my parents didn't know of. anyway, there was still the trauma. after that incident i avoided driving and stayed away from the steering wheel. i think my parents noticed that but i guess they thought that i was just lazy to drive. anyway, there came a day when i needed to drive. i can't remember why. it was either to pick up my sister from the train station or to satisfy my craving for nasi lemak. both of which wasn't far away from my house. adah wanted to come along, so i thought it would be safe enough for her since it's not that far. i strapped on my seat belt. adjusted the seat and mirrors. and took a deep breath. i turned to adah to make sure she's wearing her seat belt and then said to her,

me: adah, i takutla.
adah: nape?
me: (i wanted to explain about the phobia, but i don't think she'd understand)
entahla, sebab i da lame tak bawak kerete kot.
adah: kenapa u nak takut. bukan kite kan kene takut dengan Allah ke?
me: *erk.


didn't see that one coming.

*****

hope to see u soon adah.

an. an. an. lalala..

my minds been wondering off lately. maybe because there's a few things i haven't settled yet. it can't be done immediately so i guess it will just haunt me until i can finally end it and put it behind me. sorry if i'm talking in a general manner. just don't feel like telling everyone about the mess in my head. huhu. everyone has their own things to think about.

anyway, i just came back from Spring Camp 09. It was carried out at a Scouts Camp in Staffordshire. we stayed for 3days 2 nights. learning about a lot of things. realizing our purpose in life. understanding Islam. experiencing it's teachings. forming new relationships. strengthening the one's that's already built. but mainly, understanding what is required from us. It was really an eye opener. hope i'd be able to sustain what was gained. learning is one thing, understanding is another, and practicing is also a different thing and yet the hardest. hardest. but not impossible perhaps? hehe i don't know. again, i'm sorry if what i'm saying doesn't really give a good explanation.

i kept remembering my mom throughout the camp. maybe i'm a sissy. i don't know. but how i wish she was there to comfort me. i guess i miss her giving me advice. i miss sharing what i gain with her. i miss hugging her. i miss her telling me that everythings going to be alright insyaAllah. i miss going to the kitchen with her to make tea at night. i miss telling her stories about my life.

i miss her telling me that she loves my paintings. i miss her strength. i miss her courage. i miss her love and care. i miss her always being there if i needed a shoulder to cry on. never judging me, just giving me my time. i miss her telling me how her day went on. i miss her telling me about her students. i miss her saying "mama suke tgk angah makan" and just sit there beside me watching me feed myself with her cooking. hehe. i miss her rubbing me when watching tv. i miss her saying "angah da besar" in a sense that i'm no longer a little girl. i miss her stability. i miss her effect of calming me down, eventhough she might not see that. i miss her reminding me of my goals in life. and always to depend on Allah.

i guess it doesn't help seeing someone like your mom teaching you at the camp. ai. so not the time to be all sedey2 han.

hmm, maybe whoever said that absence makes the heart grow fonder went to Spring Camp too. a very very very very very long time ago. hehe ;p

no matter how old i'll be. or how besar i become. i'll always be this little girl who always looks up to you, depends on u, loves you, and hopes to always please u. insyaAllah.

May Allah bless mama and abah! amiin ;D

vain much.

i'm stubborn.
i know.
i'm selfish.
i know.
i don't like being pushed.
i need time.
i need space.

i like to think. n then sleep.
i like to talk. n then listen.
i like to wonder. n then question.
i like to reason. n then affirm.
i have my own ways.
everyone does.

i'm a tortoise.
i'm slow. but persistant.
i hide in my own shell.
where i seek comfort, safety and clarity.

i'm sweaty.
because i just came back from playing squash.
i'm full.
because i just had my lunch.
i need to study.
because my finals are coming closer.

i know that. so what am i doing here?
*blur*

***

like seriously, i need to study.
berusehe!!

Pah. Ghi. 1st day.

Subhanallah.

that practically sums up everything i'd like to say bout Paris.
such a beautiful place. beautiful architecture. beautiful scenery. beautiful experience.

first day. arrival. Charles de Gaulle aeroport. saturday. 9.15 a.m.

a lot of people were queuing to get their passports stamped to exit the aeroport. including us. then we took a train to the city. walked walked and walked. passed many beautiful buildings, parks, shops, gardens, streets..arrived at a square garden. quite famous, but i can't remember name. had lunch there. checked in at hotel. put our stuff. headed out to Mont Martre. walked. walked and walked. fuh~ finally there. toured the place. bought some souvenirs. had caramel crepe. lovely. sun shining. lotsa people. some sitting on the grass. some reading. some cuddling. some lying. some chatting.some sleeping. some eating. some walking around. some taking photos. that's us.

after taking in the atmosphere there we continued the journey. passed a lot of souvenir shops. going down hill. down down down. turned left. walked walked and walked. passed a whole stretch of XXX shops and video rentals. and voila. Moulin Rouge. snap snap. then moved on.
*quite a scary area. brrr.

next stop. the Louvre and Champs Eleysee.
took the train. ding dong. we're there. was already 5 pm. the Louvre was about to close. just enjoyed the scenery outside the Louvre. the sun was still shining but was about to set. the sky had such a lovely tone. just sat there. immersed in its beauty. surrounded by breathtaking monuments.

continuing the tour. walked again. headed to the garden. entered Champs Eleysee Garden. lovely. felt really nice to be close to the grenery. though much of the trees have not yet blossomed. still, i was ecstatic to be fiesting my eyes to those gorgeous types of branching trees. without any leaves, but just naturally beautiful with intricate branches sprouting about. those were my favourite types.

walked the whole stretch until we were practically shooed away by the guards. hehe. apparently the garden closes at 6.30 pm. at the end we could see Eiffel tower from far. we continued the walk. it was getting colder and darker by the minute. but it wasn't scary or anything. the streets were lit with vibrant lights. decorating the streets and rows of high-end shops. beautiful.

finally. our last landmark of the day. Arc de Triumph. by then, i couldn't feel my legs. alright that would be the end of today. i gathered my last energy reserve to head back to our hotel. that was by train of course. going to all those places today, i couldn't forget thinking about Robert Langdon, (in Dan Brown's 'Da Vinci Code') how the author describes going in the Louvre and his encounter in Paris. the images from the description in his book kept flashing through my head. probably i was too absorbed by the book. okayy. it's just fiction anyway.

tucked myself in bed. pulled the quilt over my head. ready to doze off. it was 12.30 am.

tomorrow. Disneyland Paris.

(dot. dot. dot.) to be continued

exhausted? yep
sakit kaki? yep
sakit bahu? yep
sleepy? yep
a bit short of money? yep
happy? yep yep yep yep yep ;)

Basically, that's how i'm feeling right now after my four day trip to Paris. Just got back from the airport. My feet's still sore from all the walking umm probably a bit of running.some more standing in the train. also queing up for rides and things. added with a heavy load of 4-day stuff mounted on my shoulders..hehe. but it was all worth it......

I'll continue this tomorrow. since my eyes are really getting heavier. i should probably shut down my computer and go off to sleep. totally need my bed right now. au revoir. will continue later.

nee..no..nee..no..

what would you say if i told you, i was given a one night stay at an expensive hotel with a 16 pound dinner included and buffet breakfast the next morning?

probably you won't say anything.

but if you did, you would probably ask, 'are you serious?' then, i would say. 'yeah'
you would then go on asking, 'why? how did you get it? did you win some kind of raffle ticket or something?' and i would say, 'nope. i couldn't get into my flat because there was a fire in our next door flat. the fire alarm went off, everyone had to clear the building. we couldn't get into the building the whole day, couldn't get our stuff and were homeless for a night. so the management gave us a hotel room to spend the night.'

how's that for an excuse? heheh. but no, it's no excuse. it happened just yesterday.
the hotel was a great consolation though. i had the entire room to myself. dinner was terrific. breakfast was superb. watched telly the entire night (left it on while i dozed off) and continued watching the next morning. skipped a lecture (which turned out to be canceled) and a tutorial session as well. i guess my week turned out to be a bit wackier than usual. but above all, i'm grateful that nothing precious was destroyed, no one was hurt, and my room didn't get damaged from the fire, apart from a broken door. Thanks Mr fireman who bust open my door to make sure everythings alright. ^_^

Alhamdulillah. it wasn't extremely bad. i'm sure no one wanted this to happen, but then, the circumstances could have been worse. it's one of those things that serves as a wakeup call. sometimes we get too carried away with our lives. too focussed on the imperfectness of our lives. forgetting to be thankful for what we have, great family, great friends, youth, time, health, conscience, faith.
reminding us to work hard and make the best out of it.

maybe we're lucky this time but who knows what will happen later?

this picture was taken from BBC News. btw, that's my room! (the red circle)

I'm not feeling pretty good today. just felt like sharing my reflective piece which i did for my GP visits last autumn. it's my take on a patient suffering from cerebral aneurysm leading to subarachnoid haemorrhage and death.

the thing you hope will never happen to you might just happen to someone else instead, who has been spending their life dreading the thing that will happen to you. -lemony snicket

basically, that's the story.

****

destiny is something you cannot escape, such as death, or a cheesecake that has curdled, both of which always turn up sooner or later
-lemony snicket

Confessions of A Shopaholic. Not.

well, i've just finished watching Confessions of A Shopalic. hmm. what can i say. it made me feel good. its been a while since i've indulged in a chic flic. and you know how chic flics usually have an after effect. leaving you all tingly and full of hope and seeing the world through a magical window that just brightens the day with colours of all sorts. plastering a smile on your face till the end of the day? okayy, maybe i'm just dreaming away.

having said that, i do think that the book is far better than the movie. i thought Becky Bloomwood was a bit far off. the conflicts she was going through seemed much more important and more acceptable to read about but looked rather silly in the movie.
and besides, isn't she supposed to be British?

but hey, i'm still smiling right ;)

laughter. the best medicine?

lalalala..i didn't know how depressing it was for me to be away from my family.

until recently.

that's when i realized. it's been a long time since i had a huge-all-teeth-showing-big-mouthed-laugh over some ridiculous joke. the silly jokes me and my sisters would always make. added with "the what?" jokes my parents would tell to try and fit in with us youngsters. *(it's called 'the what?' jokes because the 'teka-teki' my dad usually gives would always end with a "huh?" or just silence from us. implying how lame it was. heheh.) we'd have a great laugh at it in the end, no matter how silly it was. fun times. hehe

anyway, to keep my facial muscles healthy and moving (since i've noticed more fat cells are being depositing around my cheeks), these are a few things i watch almost everyday:

1. f.r.i.e.n.d.s. (couldn't get bored even after the 10th time ^_^)
2. istana takeshi (japanese version. i like seeing their enthusiasm, even if it means embarrassing themselves later. hehe)
3. hole in the wall (the japanese version)
4. how i met your mother (although it's not quite as funny as f.r.i.e.n.d.s)
5. bridal stuff ( haha. not for me. for my sis insyaAllah this summer. )
6. oh yeah, f.r.i.e.n.d.s. bloopers. (hilarious!)

ideas

rite. i'm supposed to be producing a creative piece for my Whole Person Care. but since i'm feeling so lazy and uninspired i think i'm just gonna use the old art work that's currently in my room.

that's the piece (i just realized how slanted the line is. haha oh well). so now i just need to create a story or sorta reflection to go with it.
i think i made this piece last winter break (alright, i can't exactly remember when). and yeah, the layers of paint on the canvas do have an underlying meaning. somehow it's a bit personal to me and i'm not exactly sure other people would share the same view. so just to be on the safe side, i'm going to have to come up with a new meaning that could relate to everyone (since i'll have to present it in class).

hmm..any ideas?

My childhood

how i long for those days..

of ponies and rainbows
of story times and nursery rhymes
of skipping ropes and pleated hair
of curiosity and honesty
of equality and equivalence
of optimism
and innocence.

during a time
when the world seem so huge,
so different so distant
yet it felt so inviting
so harmless
so gentle.

i miss my childhood days.

but what i'd missed most,
was the philosophy
I was told;
'you can be whatever you want to be.
all you need is to dream'

funny, i thought. yet
totally inspiring.






*wish it was that simple ^_^

A time to kill

i've just finished watching A time to kill. i think this is my 2nd time coz i'm quite sure it's been aired on tv3 a long2 time before. anyway, this movie is an adaptation of John Grisham's book. it's an excellent movie and it really is inspirational and all. my favourite part was at the end when the defense attorney (Matthew McConoughey) gave his final speech. omg! his words. he could really play with people's emotion. it was terrific. anyway, here's one of my favourite quotes from the movie.

"what is it in us that seeks the truth? is it our minds? or is it our hearts?"

i guess the fact that such simple rhetorical questions could provoke us and actually shift our perspective is quite fascinating. and maybe the fact that most of the times we go about living our lives without even realizing it.

i heard a man gave a speech once where he said 'the heart is the essence of mankind. it is in the heart that we have values. it's how we're able to separate wrong from right' he also gave a simple yet meaningful example. a cat. when a cat gets food from its master. how it sits in front of him taking time to enjoy the food. but just see the difference, when it creeps into someone's kitchen to steal food. and goes running away into the back of an alley. gobbling up the food in a flash. i guess it shows that even animals understand the values behind their actions. which they weren't even taught.

anyway, i'm not quite sure how I got on talking about all this. (~_^). i just wanted to share the quote from the movie (before i forget). zass!