what is it with emotions and anger?
can''t you just ignore it and keep a distance before that rapid uncontrollable fire just eats all of you up.
then you'd be left to clean up those black ashes that you just caused
which won't have happened in the first place if you'd just get a grip of yourself.

people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
so i'd say anger makes the syaitan grow fonder. (haha that's like so original la kan) and no. nobody would want to satisfy the syaitan.

so control your anger ye!

p/s: having no laptop is currently taking it's toll on me. ai. i so can't wait to get back home. but now. i seriously need to get my act straight. Studylaaa!

of budak kecik and an unexpected turn out.

hi there.
Today's another bank holiday in this part of the world called UK. And guess where I am? in the train from Hull to Bristol. Since my laptop's broken down, I'm using my handphone to go online. Resourceful ey?

It's quite surprising how my weekend turned out to be. For weeks me and my friends've been planning to go to Galway. We were supposed to visit cliff of moher and Connemara. we were already at the boarding gate when we didn't get access to pass through. Why? I'll tell u bout that later. Hehe. So we then decided to take a detour n went to Hull to visit my cousin who's been inviting me over for quite a while now but I've been putting it off due to exams and all. And so just

*right, just as i was feeling kinda cool writing the blog on phone, especially time jiwang2 tengok luar tingkap train. heheh, the application just cut short my words, leaving my entry hanging*

oh never mind. i'll just continue using a proper internet-connected device a.k.a a laptop ;)

ok, so where was I? ha, yes, and so, just as we were heading back home from the airport, the idea to visit my cousin Safwan suddenly sprung out of my head. after getting my uncle's permission to spend a few nights there we continued the journey to Bristol Temple Meads Train Station to board the last train to Hull which is at 6.30 pm. successfully enduring 5 hours on train until we reached my cousin's at 11.30 at night. ah. so penat. anyway, my uncle and cousin gave us a warm welcome and watched a bit of al-Jazeera and arabic channels. and that was it for the night.

the following day, we went Bowling, went shopping at city centre, Safwan insisted that he needed to buy new trackies, a jacket and a pair of shoes, (i don't want to spoil him but who could resist those pleadingly cute eyes) and on our last evening there we played football at the field, and he showed us around University of Hull. where my aunty used to study. she's in Malaysia now. before we headed back home, he showed me his school.

then at night we all would cuddle up under the duvet to watch movies on his laptop. and though it might seem like just a normal thing, i know that it meant more to him. before we all went to bed, his dad would bring us tea with milk and cardamon. Ah. Just reminds me of my mom bringing me hot drinks at night.

although it was only a few days, it felt nice to have given him the comfort of having family around. and having kind friends who were there to accompany me just made it an even meaningful and wonderful trip. thanks Huney and Qutiyyah! -

insyaAllah i'll try to come and visit you again.

before i left i gave him my phone number and skype. just as we were leaving his house, his dad said in an Arab accent "come again and stay longer next time because Safwan suka you come". which really meant a lot to me. because truthfully, i'm quite scared of my uncle. haha. and i don't know why.

i just got his skype message on my phone:

Safwan: hi how are you?

safwan: i'm bored

safwan: i'm at an internet cafe

safwan: even though

safwan: i have internet

safwan: at home

safwan: lol

take care budak kecik!

don't read

harini. saye rase diri saye sungguh jahat.
saye geram dngn diri saye.

i felt like writing so much. but my mood just wept it away.

oh Allah, please forgive my sins.
and my dear sisters in Bristol, which i have learned to love more and more each day,
if i have wronged u in any way, please forgive me.

for i know there's a lot of imperfections in me.
of my querkiness. of my weirdness. and attitudes.
slowly i'm trying to purify them.
from the dark spots that just darkens my heart.
from the one's that make me proud,
the one's that make me arrogant,
that makes me selfish,
and at times intolerant.

oh Allah. please hold me dear.
guiding me into the path that i choose to walk.
of which I hope will lead me closer to You.
hoping that i may never go astray.
and so i pray.

p/s: i'm starting to think this blog is becoming a bit too mushy. or maybe it's just something to do with the fact that its 1.30 in the morning. hmm. a quote from a friend 'you have to be masters to your own emotions'. or something like that. i guess it's never good to get too dwelled up in them anyway.


ciaozer ;)

aaaa!!! pb pb pb!! awesomest most awesome!!!

Set-a-light

i made a new painting. and yes, there is supposed to be a meaning behind it. with all means, please do try to interpret it. hehe.

well ok, i guess it's not really fair to let you figure it out on your own. let me just tell you then.

"set-a-light". (a cheesy title. hehe)

this painting is supposed to remind me of the reason that underlies our actions in life.

have you ever heard the saying about 'being friends and caring for someone for Allah's sake?' well, i've heard it a couple of times, and it always bugs me when someone uses that phrase coz i don't really understand what it means. i've tried discussing it's meaning with friends but alas, the answer is still vague.

that was before.

i now know what it means based on a simple satellite analogy given by Ust. Mazrul. here's how it goes, from our satellite station, we push a few buttons to send out a signal to an orbitting satellite (our main goal) which in turn will transmit it's signal to a receiver on earth.

so here's where we apply it. as Muslims, Allah has told us to care for another Muslim just as we care for ourselves, and to bring him/her towards His path. and so, because of our faith, this should be reflected in how we conduct ourselves and also by how we befriends with each other. reminding them for what is good, and preventing them from doing harm.

i guess it applies to every single thing that we do actually. no matter where we are, either on an isolated desert or in outer space, we have to try and stay true to our purpose in life.

anyway, i was having a chat with this friend. she said something about how physicists could only estimate 30% of the existing mass in outer space.

so what actually constitutes for the rest of 70% of the mass?

well, we don't know. somehow it just humbles us seeing that our knowledge is just like a drop of water from the seven seas. and that our Creator has created this huge universe where the majority of it we don't actually have the ability to know of.

doesn't it just send shivers through your spine knowing that we are only a teeny weeny dot that may not even be visible in this vast dark space of unknown matter? SubhanAllah.

ah. just another reminder for myself. (and for you too if you like ;)
hopefully by writing it down, i'll remember it better, and so i won't get irritated if someone uses that phrase again. insyaAllah. hehe.

ciaozerr!

a bit of rambling

sooo many things i feel like writing. but i sooo don't have the laptop to write. haha. (not that i'm whining). i guess it is actually a blessing in disguise. anyway, 2 things that i need to note down today (since i have short term memory, i don't think a mental note would be enough. ahax):

1. jihad. sume org perlu berjihad. haha. masing2 punye jihad lain2. some might be visible to others, some might be an internal thing that bugs them. anyway, what's important is everyone pun nak improve kan diri masing2. and i guess it's important to understand that everyone have different background which leads us to facing our own battles. but apa2 pun, knowing that everyone's there for each other and we are actually aiming for the same ultimate goal will hopefully give the push and motivation that we need.

2. right, the second thing is about... ah. saye sudah terlupe. hm. oh ye. surah al-kafirun. surah yg menarik. ok. somehow seems like this blog is turning more into a personal notepad rather than a blog. sorry, can't help it.

amigos, bye2.

i just babble too much

words don't make up who you are. it's your actions that do.
so stop talking. and do something.

Pooof!

earlier today i felt that i really wanted to blog. but there wasn't anything to write about. and now.

pooof!

how quickly things changed.
i don't really feel like blogging but there's so many things that i think i need to write or else it'll just be another 'pengisian' that'll just dissapear from my mind into thin air.

today was a bank holiday. i'm not really sure what's it for really but it is a holiday in the UK.

and so having finished my exams last week. i don't really have much to do this past weekend. we did have a wonderful outing yesterday. me and friends. we played frisbee and enjoyed the beaming sun.

it was fun no question. still, it felt there was something missing. a longing for something. a feeling of hollowness. well, i guess it has been a while our usrah sessions has been on hold. due to exams and things. so anyway, today i was excited when we were told that Ustaz Mazrul was coming to Bristol to give a talk this evening. at least this week won't totally feel like a waste. hehe. i feel like this week i've just been occupying my time with unnecessary things.

right, just to cut things short. this is a list of what i've gained or what i felt was interesting today.

1. i haven't explored Bristol enough.
i just discovered there's an islamic centre near the sports centre where i play squash. it is basically a men's prayer room. but still, i never knew such things existed in such small places. today, i was fortunate enough to step inside and prayed there with my fellow Bristol friends. anyway, it felt good to be praying at a new musolla. it makes me feel like i am a musafir. like i've just arrived at a new place. but actually it's just about 15 minutes walk from my house. hehe. anyway it brings the feeling that we are actually travellers on the surface of Allah's world. it makes me feel that this world is temporary and that we shouldn't get attached to it too much. just as we are attached to the comfort of our own homes. but actually our homes will get destroyed one day. just as the planets, the sun and all of His other creations. i like the feeling that wherever we are in this world, we are under His surveillance and that He is always there protecting us.

2. Ya Allah, please show mercy on my parents.
Seeing how Ustaz Mazrul and Kak Affa takes care of their children while giving these talks and da'wa just takes my heart away. ah. so touching la. i just can't describe it. their sacrifice, their hardship, their tolerance. may Allah bless them. and may their children become anak2 solehah insyaAllah.
then i wondered how tough it must have been for my parents too. when they were going to all those MSM programs back then. how hard it must be for them to drag us around. take care of us. even though they weren't speakers, but still they had to balance between taking care of us and trying to listen to the talks given.
Alhamdulillah. i'm able to come back and see for myself how challenging it must've been for my parents and appreciate them more than ever now.

3. alright, so this is the part from the talk. ustaz said something about if we do something for Allah's cause then He will grant us rezeki from an unexpected source. so maybe i don't quite remember the saying but that's basically the gist of it. and rezeki can be in many forms. the ones that we usually associate it with is monetary rewards. but actually rezeki Allah is so wide. improvement in our Iman is also rezeki. Ustaz gave an example that if we fail in our exams, we might feel down and all but actually it might be a reminder from Allah that we are falling behind in our deeds, that we need to be more dependent on Him, need to pray more to Him, need to be more ikhlas in our actions. and actually by doing all these things insyaAllah we will improve our Iman. and that is probably the rezeki that He is trying to reward us with. but of course, we mortals are too shallow and too weak to understand all these things especially when we are too dwelled up in our own emotions that we sometimes tend to overlook these things.

4. so the next thing Ustaz explained was about Surah an-Nisa : 135 - 139. but my particular interest was on ayat 137. which Allah says

"Sesungguhnya orang-orang beriman lalu kafir, kemudian beriman lagi, kemudian kafir lagi, lalu bertambahlah kekafirannya, maka Allah tidak akan mengampuni mereka, dan tidak pula menunjukkan mereka jalan (yang lurus)"

let's pray that we won't be those people that Allah says in this ayat. because it is so easy to get swayed into maksiat and jahiliyyah things. so easy. i know. haha. anyway, if we feel that we are falling into the dark side, we have to quickly get away from it, refresh our iman and revive it. this is linked with the next point which is..

5. the importance of having usrah. and the significance of nasihat and caring for each other because of Allah. which is also one of the 7 characters of a Mukmin who will get protection from Allah in Akhirat.

so there's about 3 points about the usrah thingy. but i'm getting sleepy. so i think i'll explain it later.

6. the next thing is about, having the correct niat and purpose of life. well, basically this is the start of Ustaz's talk but because i'm not someone who thinks straightforwardly so i put it last. and so hopefully i will remember it better. since this is actually the basics of everything we do in life. that we are not the body that we project ourselves to be. but we are the souls of which lies inside our physical body. complicated much? hehe. not really la.

so our purpose is of course Akhirat. so what Allah says our duties are beribadat (to submit ourselves) and also to be a khalifah. two things that i need to ask myself is:

am i doing this because of Allah?
have i prepared enough to become a khalifah?

okay, i think that's basically it. i'm so needing my sleep rite now. eheh. tulah, lain kali lupe lagi nak bawak pen. kan da kene type. (syndrome malas nk hand write). hahah.

ciao people.

Do They Hear You When You Cry?

funny thing. woke up late. got dressed. was just finishing my last sip of milk from my cereal. 3 lectures today starting at 9, i thought. then suddenly i had the urge to check my timetable. huh. seems that i was wrong. i have only ONE lecture which starts at 10.

since i'm already ready for lectures and i have about an hour to go, thought i'd write about this book i've finally finished reading. i've put the book on hold for more than a month now because of my finals and all. i brought it along with me to Paris. planning to finish it during the trip. which is supposed to be before my finals. but well, you know how it goes. we could plan, but He is the one that makes all things possible.

still, i'm happy coz i could take my own sweet time reading it. getting wrapped up in its words. letting it play along with my emotions. and surprise surprise at the end my eyes were filled with tears. very very small tears okay.

personally, i blame the book. why did it have to be so touching?

the book is a true story about a young African girl who fled her country to US to seek asylum. she ended up in prison. she was treated like a convict although there was a separate area for refugees at some of the prisons where she was put. anyway, it was only until half way through the book did i realize that she was not detained because she'd committed a horrendous act but why was she treated horridly as a person who was convicted of murder. well, they don't tell you in the book. but it does make you think somehow.

that's just a simplification. and so a group of lawyers took on the case to get her released and accepted into the States. and all the complications they had to go through. as well as herself, where she had to cope with life in prison.

anyway what strikes me is how she kept her faith strong throughout all the extremities she was going through. She is a Muslim. Her name is Fauziya Kassindja. everyday in prison she manages to pray 5 times a day. using the bedsheets to cover herself for prayers. making herself brave enough to go against the guards and take her ablution every morning when there was strict ruling that they could only use water after a certain time.

and above all, i admire her dependency towards Allah. everyday she prays for Him to protect her. To show mercy towards her. To hear her cries. for more than a year she prayed for her freedom. and during that period, even though there were no signs that her prayers were heard, she never abandoned her faith.

for that, i'm truly inspired. because honestly, i'm not sure if i would have had her courage, her strength, her spirits if i was put in her shoes.

I was going through this Ayat which i think is quite relevant to this book. so before i forget, which i always do. i'll just write it down.

"Tidak ada sesuatu musibah yang menimpa seseorang, kecuali dengan izin Allah, dan barang siapa beriman kepada Allah, niscaya Allah akan memberi petunjuk kepada hatinya. Dan Allah Maha Mengetahui segala sesuatu." (at-Taghabun: 11)