Allah. I know I like to listen to soft melodious songs, but please make me from the heart of a fighter. - nmj

bismillah.

last week some friends were chatting about their ideal way of dying. to be lying on a bed, at an old age, closing their eyes and slowly drift away from this world into the next. looking very peaceful.

so what's yours?

i'd hope to die fighting for something. something that matters. fisabilillah insyaAllah. asma' amanina.
for this, to have the correct niat for living is important.

p/s: honestly, writing things down and letting people read it is really scary. not because I'm afraid I won't live up to your expectations. It's more about disapointing myself and Allah when He has already warned us, 61:2 - "O Believers! Why do you say what you do not do?"

maybe this is my tarbiyah.

bismillah.

i made a new friend today. he's from Bangladesh.
and i managed to get his number...*drum rolls*

he's a taxi driver. i'd probably be in need of taxis to get to the train station.
rather than helping org kafir might as well help our own brother.

on his business card it wrote Abhi. i asked, "is that your name?"
"short for Abdul" he said. apparently locals have a problem if they know he's a Muslim. he told me a story.

one day, a customer asked, knowing that he is a Muslim, "so do you have a bomb in the car?"
Abhi: no, i don't but if you don't pay me i will have to blow you up.

my new friend is a funny one. heheh.

prejudice.
- if you can't ignore it, might as well get some laughs out of it. - nmj

bismillah.

Allah. semuanya utk Allah. insyaAllah. blk Bristol pun utk Allah. walaupun i couldn't make it on time. semoga Allah terima amalan yg ciput ini. semoga Allah redha.

***

dush.

and another dush.

1st dush would be because i accidentally became talkative with this person last week whom i thought was a post grad's 15 year old son but i found out that he's not. aahhh~ malu~ to be fair, it was out of gratitude cause he showed us the way to the bus stop.

kecik2 dulu, aulad dan banat dipisahkan. "euwww, siapa nk duduk ngn 'ulat'..gelinya"

ulat - ejekan kpd budak lelaki, drp perkataan arab Aulad.

hweh, not saying that i should treat aulad like bacteria. probably boleh jaga ikhtilat itu lebih baik.

hmm..maybe perlu dgr fiqh ikhtilat cause haritu termiss.

bismillah.

dementia

it must be frustrating when you can't recall your life. even worse, when you can't create new memories. new memories with people, new memories about what you've just experience. and having a keen 3rd year medical student bombarding you with questions to solve your life mystery isn't really helping...
the patient this morning. he was in the elderly ward. he seemed alright. after a while chatting, i could see his eyes get a bit watery. moistened and red-ish. possibly trying to hold back tears.

***

Alhamdulillah, i think we should appreciate people more. people whom Allah has allowed us to meet. before we forget about them. either by purpose or by nature's course. with each encounter, i'm sure we were able to gain something. even better, if we have 'given' something to them in return. Shahadatul Haq.

if i was only able to remember certain pieces of my life, i would probably choose the good and significant one's. just to make me feel satisfied with the time i've been given to live. which brings me to this matter, what accounts for being 'significant' things in our life? what ARE our actual priorities?


p/s: today Mus cooked me pasta for dinnah. sweet~ :D - i shall write this down just in case i forget, so you can remind me whenever i do

Allah.
..
..

Cukup utk ku.

insyaAllah.
ikhlaskan niat, jom ________? kerana Allah.

a. belajar
b. makan
c. berehat
d. berusrah
e. berjalan
f. bersukan
g. berkeluarga
h. berclinical
i. semua di atas

rindu mereka..

salam.

i'm currently writing like mad these days like i'm on fire-hhh. i blame the psychiatry unit and all the reflection i'm supposed to do. and of course the more time i'm spending alone at the hospital.

muhasabah.

you know how we tend to whine about things. how things didn't go as plan, or how we wished things should have gone the other way or how it should've been better or easier instead? or just hoping if things would just turn up in front of our faces rather than going through the embarrassment of attaining it? tough luck. stop whining and count your blessings.

i realised today and i'm grateful to Allah that my life isn't always with a silver spoon in my mouth. and how most of the times things just don't go as expected. because from the struggle we've had, that's how we learn. that's how we relate to what others are feeling. that's how we help ourselves and care for others. that's how we experience emotions. happiness. angst. fear (of being asked by consultants). satisfaction. empathy. hope. and that's how we know that we ARE living.

Allah has determined what is best for us. and there's so much more going on in this world than what is in our perfect little homes and lovely family.

but from all of this, what i'm trying to say is life is a 'life-long' learning process. redundancy in experience is inevitable. mistakes are inescapable. but learning not to repeat the mistakes is what's important.

and that's, how we grow.

5:95 - ...Allah telah memaafkan apa yg telah lalu (yakni membunuh haiwan sebelum turun ayat yg mengharamkan ini) Dan brgsiapa kembali mengerjakannya, niscaya Allah akan menyiksanya. Dan Allah Mahaperkasa, memiliki kekuasaan utk menyiksa.

p/s: some may say that i'm hard-headed, that i always want to win an argument. i remember someone saying this from kmb still. funnily, my naqibah said the same thing. i think i'm exercising my freedom of thought. perhaps i'll never learn.

bismillah.

A doctor, as it is told, is supposed to treat patients, putting the patients needs on top of everything, attending to their concerns and fulfilling their expectations, essentially putting them as top priority. of course. Bearing in mind that doctors themselves might not be in such a grand state, perhaps, they may be in the same mental state as patients that sometimes this could probably compromise the level of care given to patients. Therefore, ensuring that a doctor's wellbeing is in a tip top condition is probably an important key in providing the best possible service for patients. - a psychiatrically related observation by me (haha)

As I rant on further without having any goals to achieve, I shall stop for 2 minutes and ponder whether I'm actually taking in the lessons that I'm gaining from my placements and applying it in da'wah. As doctors of the ummah, there is certainly a lot of illness and diseases going around in society. Some of them might actually realise it, and waving it off or they might try to fix themselves, while some might still be in the dark of the mental disorders or disabilities that they are actually facing on a daily basis. the thing is, if we, as (future) doctors want to treat the patients our wellbeing should be granddd (with a huge qolqolah at the end)! if not, what then makes us better than the people that we're treating? and as the equation would go, wellbeing = iman. maka, tarbiyah dzatiyah itu perlu. indeed, we need to keep our relationship to Allah strong.

dear doctors, you have a lot of work to do, diagnosing the patients would need you to do the history taking, and to take a good history, you should make them open up to you and to make them open up to you, you need to build ukhuwwah. and ukhuwwah of course is something you need to work on to make it great. just as marriage would be.<- (said a friend of mine, where i am now demonstrating the flight of ideas in psychiatry) seperti mana doctor itu hidup utk pesakitnya, mcm itu lah juga kita hidup utk mad'u kerana Allah.

huh. take a deep breath.

2 minutes is up.

p/s: i'm actually quite sad for myself. despite all the free time i had today, i read the Quran lambat. so this entry, is to remind myself not to get carried away with free time as you are a full time D..... and D..... should have a lot of work to do. especially if you're trying to be a double D...... penuhkanlah masamu dgn kerja2.

salam. nak share.
Quote of the day:

5:65 "Dan sekiranya ahli kitab itu beriman dan bertakwa, niscaya Kami hapus kesalahan-kesalahan mereka dan mereka tentu Kami masukkan ke dalam syurga-syurga yg penuh kenikmatan"

5:68 Katakanlah "Wahai ahli kitab! kamu tidak dipandang beragama sedikit pun hingga kamu menegakkan ajaran-ajaran Taurat, Injil dan (al-Quran) yg diturunkan Tuhanmu kpdmu" Dan apa yg diturunkan Tuhanmu kpdmu pasti akan membuat byk di antara mereka lebih durhaka dan lebih ingkar, maka janganlah engkau berputus asa terhadap org2 kafir itu"

p/s: semenjak dua menjak kene duduk ngn mat salleh ni lain mcm jdnye..hehe maka ayat-ayat semangat utk berdakwah kat mereka. n td patutnya sy basuhkan je pinggan2 mereka yg x basuh tu..tp sy x, turun2 ada org lain da basuhkan..kalau teragak-agak, terlepas peluang utk berdakwah kan?

Eid Mubarak my dear family and friends!!
smlm habis clinical, buka puasa dgn mus kat Weston Super-Mare beach.
dah lama rasanye x take time utk merenung ciptaan Allah. Alhamdulillah for the chance.

Harini sy beraya. kwn2 local Muslim semua ponteng nk blk umah beraya.
saya? beraya bersama org2 *ehem* di psychiatry ward.

haha. the thing is it doesn't matter kat mana or sehebat mana kita beraya, tp sejauh mana kita menghargai dan memahami makna Eid itu sendiri kot.

huhu. jom, let's start off with a clean slate today insyaAllah. :D

Taqoballallahhu minna wa minkum!

First and foremost, AlhamdulillahiRabbilalamin..for even the tiniest second of life He allows us to taste.

Rezeki.
Things we are enjoying to make us closer to Him. - ustaz Atep
Hu. am back in Bristol. grateful. scared. happy. sad. sad. sad. miss. the. family.
i think this might be the most homesick i've ever felt. wuuu.. yaAllah please take care of them while i'm away. everyone's growing up so fast.

change.
though i hate it. deep down I know it's Sunnatullah. nothing can remain stagnant or it will become stinky. like the open longkangs where the water isn't flowing. hu. a stab to the heart. that means 'myself' as well. of course, myself would imply so much. 0_o uhuk uhuk



***

Ya ayuhhal muzammil. wahai org yg berselimut!
Qumillaila illa qolila. bangunlah di malam hari kecuali sedikit drpnya

"orang besar yg memikul beban besar ini hidupnya tidak punya tidur, tidak punya libur, tidak punya hamparan hangat gebu..." - Sayyid Qutb

hai org yg berduvet..be prepared.
let's become hunters! hunters of 'The Night'.

p/s: i nicked a few books from abah & mama. they seemed delighted. heh.