Allahumma..if my heart's not in it what can I do? mode: sedih

of the special things in life

bismillah.

came back from the library yesterday, and there it was. in the silver pot, just staring at me. luring me closer. until I finally did. and down it went into my tummy. burp, Alhamdulillah.

of ayam kurma.

people always say things like "I'm not as beautiful as her', "i'm not as smart as her", "i'm not as funny as her", "i'm not as well spoken as her" and the list goes on. and I for one, might be among of the utterers. the tendencies of having low self esteem, being ladies, though undesired, have put us in this trap.

often, we forget about the great things in life Allah has granted us with. and because of ayam kurma last night, it reminded me once again of Allah's warmth. yes, I am special.

I am special because I was able to come home from the library in the cold dark midnight to a warm and wonderful meal of nasi with ayam kurma. cooked by my dearest friend, usrahmate, coursemate and housemate. I am special because Allah has allowed me to be living in Bristol in the great company of people who are always trying to better themselves and be closer to Allah.

I am special because out of 7 billion people breathing the same air in this world, I am allowed to learn about Islam, to understand Islam and to teach it to others despite my oh, so many flaws. I am allowed to practice it without the fear of being rejected by my family and friends. or the fear of people throwing acid on my car. because I choose to be a Muslim.

I am special because I was allowed to feel the love from little sisters running around in the sun. one asked me for my name, "Miss, what's your nayyyme?" It's Nahdiya, i said. she grinned, and i heard her repeat it under her breath.

Of all the special things in life Allah has ALLOWED us to feel. Alhamdulillah.

Allah made us special for some reason. let's not throw away our specialness into the drain.

so here's a new lot of words,

1. twee - the word just sounds a bit twee
2. in a pickle - i'm finding myself in a pickle
3. turning grey - my hair's turning grey just thinking about my children
4. touch wood - hehe learned it last year. people say it when they're hoping that the opposite (something bad) will not happen.
4. amytriptyline - a TCA anti-depressant
5. metatraxate - it's used to treat cancer and what? (cepat2).....teng!! times up. rheumatoid arthritis
6. a patient presenting with black jagged lines and spots in vision and also as if looking through a frosted glass. what could be the diagnoses? (cepat2)...teng lagi!! it's partial retinal detachment. if full retinal detachment can cause blindness because retinal artery tercabut terus. wuu~ and what are the black spots? it's blood from the artery. how long should we treat before the eye goes completely blind? 3-4 days.
7. which is more worrying in an asthmatic child? a) a child having an asthma attack, wheezing and running around or b) a child having an asthma attack sitting still in a corner breathing deeply. tettt! okay, the answer is b) because it indicates that the child's body may not be able to compensate for the attack, and because in the children the attack can change dramatically so within 30 mins or so they might get worse and could die. wuu~
8. crp in blood test is to indicate what? -rheumatoid arthritis
9. why oh why do woman with cushing's disease stop having periods? ke xde kene mengena pun..heh, have to find out soon.


okay. i'm bored. sambung buat keje.

after spending 24hours with kak F, i think being an OCD person is not bad at all. you get things done. let's be OCDs - nmj

bismillah.

something to ponder on a Friday morning, insyaAllah. As one of our mutabaah amal, we are expected to beristighfar a certain amount each day. Sometimes, its so easy to get carried away with ticking the box that it becomes sort of a routine rather than really indulging in the amal to help us tingkatkan iman. so just to remind us what should be the ruh behind istighfar is, i shall quote tafsir fi zilal from surah an-Nasr:

"His forgiveness is sought for the various unrevealed, defective feelings such as vanity, which sometimes creep into one's heart at the overwhelming moment of victory attained after a long struggle. Human beings can hardly prevent this from happening therefore, Allah's forgiveness is to be sought for it."

so basically, istighfar is meant to cleanse our hearts from all the wrong feelings we've had in pursuit of 'victory'. I learnt that the ruh from beristighfar, especially in the climax of victory is actually to free oneself from the feelings of conceit, arrogance and the attitude of self-importance. Because honestly, preparing for an exam by studying 8 hours a day and finally getting a distinction does boosts your self-esteem and could definitely get to your head that YOU made that happen (Note: this is just a randon eg i gave), when actually we should understand that whatever nikmat or 'victory' we achieve is through Allah's will and His Mightiness alone. لا حول ولاقوة إلا بالله
and simultaneously it is also to liberate ourselves from the worldly captivations.

just another excerpt which i quite enjoy:

In the moment of triumph, as the Conquest of Makka was established, Rasulullah entered it on the back of his camel with his head bowed down. he forgot the joy of victory and instead he beristighfar. and this is Makkah were talking about, where he had once been openly and unshamedly persecuted and expelled.

mashaAllah. tarbiyah from Allah. utk kita juga insyaAllah.

of my rants~


i've always dread growing up. but i think it doesn't have to mean leaving the child in you, it just means to flourish emotionally, to think ahead and to consider others more. - nmj
hehe..talk about substituting a word

Ayat of the day.

Allah hath purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for theirs (in return) is the garden (of Paradise): they fight in His cause, and slay and are slain: a promise binding on Him in truth, through the Law, the Gospel, and the Qur'an: and who is more faithful to his covenant than Allah? then rejoice in the bargain which ye have concluded: that is the achievement supreme. (9:111)

year 2010

year 2009

I think this was the best trip ever. Alhamdulillah. yaAllah, permudahkanlah. hopefully this year's will be like before. hee~

mode: bersemangat!

bismillah.

i think my english is deteriorating..and i may have developed a stammer..(sobs)
so here's some words to get me going..words that are new, i might have forgotten the meaning, or simply i haven't been using recently. i heard these words being used within these 2 weeks. behold:

1. satchel - her leather satchel
2. excruciating - excruciating pain
3. discretion - at your discretion
4. chide - chiding myself
5. revolting - his behaviour is revolting
6. suave - acting suave about a patient
7. impeccable - his work is impeccable
8. pervasive - that drug is very pervasive
9. blatant - he admitted that blatantly
10. invasive - an invasive procedure
11. erratic - he's acting erratic
12. insidious - these are insidious symptoms
13. fixated - she was fixated about Jesus
14. gobbled - gobble up the words
15. faffing - they go faffing around
16. nuisance - he's being a nuisance
17. fag - how many fags a day?
18. cracking - look at my cracking veins. (cracking here means stunning)
19. alarming - his condition is alarming
20. blimey - blimey!

okay, that's it. will collect more words soon. wslm.

bismillah.

kerana jalan ini, jalan yang pjg.

yesterday morning gave mama a ring. a routine weekly call to catch up with the family. before getting off the phone mama will usually end with a do'a for me, this time, i noticed she added in something very sweet 'mama doa awk sihat utk buat kerja, senang nak faham bila belajar, Allah permudahkan semua urusan, urusan blajar and dakwah..' the last bit was something she never officially mentioned before..

and that made me smile. although dakwah is not for mama's sake alone, it does give me the boost knowing that mama approves of it. i remember her saying 'kalau jadi doctor yg gaji beribu2 nnt..use it for the ummah..use it for Islam..terangkan psl Islam to your patients' I was in primary school. that was how i understood how study and dakwah can work hand in hand then.

---

last summer i asked Abah if he has tafsir fi zilal or hadith 40 because
a) i'm a cheapskate
b) i was a bit lazy to go to jln tar.
Abah said yep but his books are in his office. so i went with him to get it. I opened the cabinet and he offered me the books. However, there was a 'but'. They were either in Arabic or English. So i didn't take any. (dakwah global? not.)

Growing up, Abah was the clothes police. Everytime we wanted to go out he would already be waiting downstairs on the sofa facing the stairs. Once i was dressed properly (so i thought) i would go down the stairs and he would always stop me and ask me to go up and change if my top was a tad bit too short. unless i was in something decent only then would he bring me along. one time i did something that i'm not proud of. it seemed like wearing small tops was cool so i told Abah that that is the only clean top i have and my other clothes were dirty. surprisingly it worked, and he let me off.

but i felt really dreadful, it didn't feel comfortable aside from the disappointment from my actions.

---

tarbiyyah keluarga. from them i learnt so much. although they might be busy with their own life now, the things they thought me have lead me to become the person i am today. the way they have moulded my thinking and calibrated my values (after numerous rebellious attempts of wearing baju kecik). i dream of building a family of my own one day, to nurture them with the ways of Islam, just as how i've been able to experience it, if not better iA.

p/s: had a long chat with Puan and was able to untangle several knots in my head Alhamdulillah. also something she said, it doesn't matter which 'path' you follow as long as kita beramal, beramal & beramal iA.

Allah. I know I like to listen to soft melodious songs, but please make me from the heart of a fighter. - nmj

bismillah.

last week some friends were chatting about their ideal way of dying. to be lying on a bed, at an old age, closing their eyes and slowly drift away from this world into the next. looking very peaceful.

so what's yours?

i'd hope to die fighting for something. something that matters. fisabilillah insyaAllah. asma' amanina.
for this, to have the correct niat for living is important.

p/s: honestly, writing things down and letting people read it is really scary. not because I'm afraid I won't live up to your expectations. It's more about disapointing myself and Allah when He has already warned us, 61:2 - "O Believers! Why do you say what you do not do?"

maybe this is my tarbiyah.

bismillah.

i made a new friend today. he's from Bangladesh.
and i managed to get his number...*drum rolls*

he's a taxi driver. i'd probably be in need of taxis to get to the train station.
rather than helping org kafir might as well help our own brother.

on his business card it wrote Abhi. i asked, "is that your name?"
"short for Abdul" he said. apparently locals have a problem if they know he's a Muslim. he told me a story.

one day, a customer asked, knowing that he is a Muslim, "so do you have a bomb in the car?"
Abhi: no, i don't but if you don't pay me i will have to blow you up.

my new friend is a funny one. heheh.

prejudice.
- if you can't ignore it, might as well get some laughs out of it. - nmj

bismillah.

Allah. semuanya utk Allah. insyaAllah. blk Bristol pun utk Allah. walaupun i couldn't make it on time. semoga Allah terima amalan yg ciput ini. semoga Allah redha.

***

dush.

and another dush.

1st dush would be because i accidentally became talkative with this person last week whom i thought was a post grad's 15 year old son but i found out that he's not. aahhh~ malu~ to be fair, it was out of gratitude cause he showed us the way to the bus stop.

kecik2 dulu, aulad dan banat dipisahkan. "euwww, siapa nk duduk ngn 'ulat'..gelinya"

ulat - ejekan kpd budak lelaki, drp perkataan arab Aulad.

hweh, not saying that i should treat aulad like bacteria. probably boleh jaga ikhtilat itu lebih baik.

hmm..maybe perlu dgr fiqh ikhtilat cause haritu termiss.

bismillah.

dementia

it must be frustrating when you can't recall your life. even worse, when you can't create new memories. new memories with people, new memories about what you've just experience. and having a keen 3rd year medical student bombarding you with questions to solve your life mystery isn't really helping...
the patient this morning. he was in the elderly ward. he seemed alright. after a while chatting, i could see his eyes get a bit watery. moistened and red-ish. possibly trying to hold back tears.

***

Alhamdulillah, i think we should appreciate people more. people whom Allah has allowed us to meet. before we forget about them. either by purpose or by nature's course. with each encounter, i'm sure we were able to gain something. even better, if we have 'given' something to them in return. Shahadatul Haq.

if i was only able to remember certain pieces of my life, i would probably choose the good and significant one's. just to make me feel satisfied with the time i've been given to live. which brings me to this matter, what accounts for being 'significant' things in our life? what ARE our actual priorities?


p/s: today Mus cooked me pasta for dinnah. sweet~ :D - i shall write this down just in case i forget, so you can remind me whenever i do

Allah.
..
..

Cukup utk ku.

insyaAllah.
ikhlaskan niat, jom ________? kerana Allah.

a. belajar
b. makan
c. berehat
d. berusrah
e. berjalan
f. bersukan
g. berkeluarga
h. berclinical
i. semua di atas

rindu mereka..

salam.

i'm currently writing like mad these days like i'm on fire-hhh. i blame the psychiatry unit and all the reflection i'm supposed to do. and of course the more time i'm spending alone at the hospital.

muhasabah.

you know how we tend to whine about things. how things didn't go as plan, or how we wished things should have gone the other way or how it should've been better or easier instead? or just hoping if things would just turn up in front of our faces rather than going through the embarrassment of attaining it? tough luck. stop whining and count your blessings.

i realised today and i'm grateful to Allah that my life isn't always with a silver spoon in my mouth. and how most of the times things just don't go as expected. because from the struggle we've had, that's how we learn. that's how we relate to what others are feeling. that's how we help ourselves and care for others. that's how we experience emotions. happiness. angst. fear (of being asked by consultants). satisfaction. empathy. hope. and that's how we know that we ARE living.

Allah has determined what is best for us. and there's so much more going on in this world than what is in our perfect little homes and lovely family.

but from all of this, what i'm trying to say is life is a 'life-long' learning process. redundancy in experience is inevitable. mistakes are inescapable. but learning not to repeat the mistakes is what's important.

and that's, how we grow.

5:95 - ...Allah telah memaafkan apa yg telah lalu (yakni membunuh haiwan sebelum turun ayat yg mengharamkan ini) Dan brgsiapa kembali mengerjakannya, niscaya Allah akan menyiksanya. Dan Allah Mahaperkasa, memiliki kekuasaan utk menyiksa.

p/s: some may say that i'm hard-headed, that i always want to win an argument. i remember someone saying this from kmb still. funnily, my naqibah said the same thing. i think i'm exercising my freedom of thought. perhaps i'll never learn.

bismillah.

A doctor, as it is told, is supposed to treat patients, putting the patients needs on top of everything, attending to their concerns and fulfilling their expectations, essentially putting them as top priority. of course. Bearing in mind that doctors themselves might not be in such a grand state, perhaps, they may be in the same mental state as patients that sometimes this could probably compromise the level of care given to patients. Therefore, ensuring that a doctor's wellbeing is in a tip top condition is probably an important key in providing the best possible service for patients. - a psychiatrically related observation by me (haha)

As I rant on further without having any goals to achieve, I shall stop for 2 minutes and ponder whether I'm actually taking in the lessons that I'm gaining from my placements and applying it in da'wah. As doctors of the ummah, there is certainly a lot of illness and diseases going around in society. Some of them might actually realise it, and waving it off or they might try to fix themselves, while some might still be in the dark of the mental disorders or disabilities that they are actually facing on a daily basis. the thing is, if we, as (future) doctors want to treat the patients our wellbeing should be granddd (with a huge qolqolah at the end)! if not, what then makes us better than the people that we're treating? and as the equation would go, wellbeing = iman. maka, tarbiyah dzatiyah itu perlu. indeed, we need to keep our relationship to Allah strong.

dear doctors, you have a lot of work to do, diagnosing the patients would need you to do the history taking, and to take a good history, you should make them open up to you and to make them open up to you, you need to build ukhuwwah. and ukhuwwah of course is something you need to work on to make it great. just as marriage would be.<- (said a friend of mine, where i am now demonstrating the flight of ideas in psychiatry) seperti mana doctor itu hidup utk pesakitnya, mcm itu lah juga kita hidup utk mad'u kerana Allah.

huh. take a deep breath.

2 minutes is up.

p/s: i'm actually quite sad for myself. despite all the free time i had today, i read the Quran lambat. so this entry, is to remind myself not to get carried away with free time as you are a full time D..... and D..... should have a lot of work to do. especially if you're trying to be a double D...... penuhkanlah masamu dgn kerja2.

salam. nak share.
Quote of the day:

5:65 "Dan sekiranya ahli kitab itu beriman dan bertakwa, niscaya Kami hapus kesalahan-kesalahan mereka dan mereka tentu Kami masukkan ke dalam syurga-syurga yg penuh kenikmatan"

5:68 Katakanlah "Wahai ahli kitab! kamu tidak dipandang beragama sedikit pun hingga kamu menegakkan ajaran-ajaran Taurat, Injil dan (al-Quran) yg diturunkan Tuhanmu kpdmu" Dan apa yg diturunkan Tuhanmu kpdmu pasti akan membuat byk di antara mereka lebih durhaka dan lebih ingkar, maka janganlah engkau berputus asa terhadap org2 kafir itu"

p/s: semenjak dua menjak kene duduk ngn mat salleh ni lain mcm jdnye..hehe maka ayat-ayat semangat utk berdakwah kat mereka. n td patutnya sy basuhkan je pinggan2 mereka yg x basuh tu..tp sy x, turun2 ada org lain da basuhkan..kalau teragak-agak, terlepas peluang utk berdakwah kan?

Eid Mubarak my dear family and friends!!
smlm habis clinical, buka puasa dgn mus kat Weston Super-Mare beach.
dah lama rasanye x take time utk merenung ciptaan Allah. Alhamdulillah for the chance.

Harini sy beraya. kwn2 local Muslim semua ponteng nk blk umah beraya.
saya? beraya bersama org2 *ehem* di psychiatry ward.

haha. the thing is it doesn't matter kat mana or sehebat mana kita beraya, tp sejauh mana kita menghargai dan memahami makna Eid itu sendiri kot.

huhu. jom, let's start off with a clean slate today insyaAllah. :D

Taqoballallahhu minna wa minkum!

First and foremost, AlhamdulillahiRabbilalamin..for even the tiniest second of life He allows us to taste.

Rezeki.
Things we are enjoying to make us closer to Him. - ustaz Atep
Hu. am back in Bristol. grateful. scared. happy. sad. sad. sad. miss. the. family.
i think this might be the most homesick i've ever felt. wuuu.. yaAllah please take care of them while i'm away. everyone's growing up so fast.

change.
though i hate it. deep down I know it's Sunnatullah. nothing can remain stagnant or it will become stinky. like the open longkangs where the water isn't flowing. hu. a stab to the heart. that means 'myself' as well. of course, myself would imply so much. 0_o uhuk uhuk



***

Ya ayuhhal muzammil. wahai org yg berselimut!
Qumillaila illa qolila. bangunlah di malam hari kecuali sedikit drpnya

"orang besar yg memikul beban besar ini hidupnya tidak punya tidur, tidak punya libur, tidak punya hamparan hangat gebu..." - Sayyid Qutb

hai org yg berduvet..be prepared.
let's become hunters! hunters of 'The Night'.

p/s: i nicked a few books from abah & mama. they seemed delighted. heh.

bismillah.

once a upon a time there was a little man, who lived alone on the turnip farm. he was alone, he was happy but he felt alone. soon, he met a very sweet girl. and they got married. after a few years, the farm was surrounded with little kids playing on the farm, tugging the turnips and disturbing the animals. it was a lively sight. the little man and his lady would silently watch their children through the window, sipping their hot cup of tea without sugar. as they grew older, the children were thought by their father, the farmer about the dream that he and his wife once had about the farm. how their turnips would be the best turnips in town. and people from far and wide would travel thousands of miles just to get a taste of their ever so succulent turnips. and so, the father and his lady thought the children the knowledge to plant good turnips, how to take care of them and weed them, water them and later harvest them which he got from a very wise man who traversed the world in search of a person with great interest and determination in planting turnips. it was invaluable knowledge indeed as they would later find out that through hard work, preserverence and tawakkaltu alAllah their turnip plantation became very successful as the most bestest and biggest turnips can only be found on that land. as time passed, the farmer and his wife became ill, and left the turnip plantation to their children.....


and so the story began....

the moral of the story being? huhu..

p/s: 6 minutes to iftar

of a makcik kecik

bismillah

bercakap2 dgn makcik kecik di suatu pagi. sambil makan2 breakfast di rumah. makcik kecik pun bertanya.

' Youu~, u tau tak kisah gunung sejinjang?'
' em..I tak tau la you, u cerita la kat i....' saya menjawab dgn ikhlas

makcik kecik pun dgn lantangnye menceritakanlah kisah puteri santubong & puteri sejinjang yang akhirnya ditukarkan oleh ayah mereka, tuan raja menjadi gunung akibat selalu sgt bergaduh.

' You rasa betul tak cerita ni?' makcik kecik sambung tanya
' I tak tau. you dengar dari mana?'
' Muallimah. muallimah cerita dlm kelas BM'
' oo..you rasa?' saya bertanya semula kpd makcik kecik
' kawan i dari kelas 3 Fatimah kata cerita ni betul. gunung tu ada kat Sarawak. U boleh tgk gunung tu dekat2' sambungnya lagi tanpa menjawab soalan saya
' yeke? em..i rasa cerita2 ni mcm cerita org2 Melayu zaman dulu. mcm cerita si tanggang, ngan cerita batu belah batu betangkup...'
' you, i tak ingat la cerita dia..' makcik kecik mencelah

maka saya pun menceritakan la cerita si tanggang dgn ringkas.

' ok you, i da ingt dah cerita2 tu'
' snanya cerita2 ni tak betul pun.org2 zaman dulu buat2 cerita camni supaya kita jd baik. supaya kita tak gaduh2. you rasa cerita batu belah batu bertangkup tu betul2 ke dia boleh makan orang?' saya bertanya soalan yg jelas jawapannya untuk membuktikan hujah saya.
lepas beberapa minit berlalu, makcik kecik pun menjawab dgn seriusnya,

' I rasa boleh la you. dengan izin Allah.'


DUSH.

maka berakhirlah sesi bual2 pagi ini, dgn kata2 makcik kecik yg terus menikam ke kalbu dan penjelasan sy tentang perbezaan cerita2 dongeng ini dgn kisah2 nabi yg diberikan mukjizat oleh Allah..namun sungguh benar kata-katanya walaupun masih darjah 3.

of something so close

salam alaykum

Alhamdulillah thummalhamdulillah thumalhamdulillahirabbil alamin.
Praise to Allah who has granted us yet another day to carry on in this world living our life doing whatever we please, either things that we feel will benefit us, or bring trouble to us. this life, a test, which Allah has told us in his book, 29:2 "Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, "We believe", and that they will not be tested?

Alhamdulillah for many things. for the air that i'm breathing, for the clothes that i'm wearing, for the family that i'm having, for the roof that's over my head, for the health that i'm given, for the wonderful flowers that i'm seeing, for the birds that are chirping, for the fans that are working, for the air-conditioners that are cooling, for the air sirap limau that i'm drinking. for the people that i'm meeting, for the knowledge that i'm learning, for the 'new' world that i'm seeing, for His hidayah that i'm thanking, and the list carries on...Alhamdulillah.

yesterday ustaz AO said, "ana belum kagum lg pada antum skrg ni, tp bila antum dah kerja, dah ada keluarga dan ana lihat lg 10, 20 tahun muka-muka antum masih lg bersama2 kita di jalan dakwah, baru ana tabik". and he smiled.

a shot right through the heart. but i know exactly what he meant.

yaAllah. kuatkanlah hatiku di jalan ini. teguhkanlah kakiku utk maju yaAllah.

ihsan atau alasan?

bismillah
ok. skip cite psl umrah.
bila duduk sorang2..malam2..di kawasan yg x berapa terang..pernah x terasa mcm ada 'benda' memerhatikan anda/kamu/kita?

ok, sy kadang2 ada..rasa mcm takut tibe2..huh..
so sy tukar mindset..
what if 'bende' itu ialah Allah.

hehe..terus jd semangat nk buat baik. insyaAllah.

p/s: dlm mode menulis ssc. sorang2. malam2. di kawasan yg x berapa terang.

to be continued...

lately..i can't seem to sleep at night..maybe it's the jetlag. maybe it's the flu. tp mcm agak lama. dah seminggu.

and another thing. i have to rewrite my ssc. which is still in progress. so i'm hiding in my cacoon hoping to finish up my work in time before the deadline.

i came back from Mekah recently. this is not meant to brag, but it was so beautiful. the kaabah. i cried. makcik sebelah had to calm me down. very motherly. i think she's from turkey. from the way she wears her tudung. we didn't say a word. but i think she understood.

i prayed to Allah to help me pass my ssc. but most importantly, i prayed for Him to give what's best for me. so i'm quite sad. sad that i had to rewrite my ssc. but i'm not mad. i can't be. i love Allah too much. when we love someone we always think of the good things. so i'm sure Allah is trying to teach me something. maybe i'd find out soon.

please pray to Allah for me. for many things. right now, probably for my ssc. :)

of walking

sedang peluh masih terlekat di badan, inginku berkongsi sebuah perasaan. huhu. tibe2 blank.

baiklah begini ceritanya..

Alhamdulillah, it is a wonderful morning in the beautiful land of Bristol. indeed it is bright and sunny and hot. as I was walking down the hills of Bristol to deliver the sushis, i realised that i had forgotten something important. my mind suddenly froze in the midst of the extremely hot weather...

i forgotten doa keluar rumah.
"bismillahi tawakkaltu alAllah la haula wa la quwwata illa billah"

immediately after reading it, i felt light, like all the stares and the cars and the big bulky men walking past me aren't at all of any fright.

hehe. this is probably like a drama queen moment. but i understood today that reciting the doa is not only about how well we remember the words and having the perfect pronunciation and all. it is also about the ruh of the doa...wooo mcm scary je. for instance, the ruh that should be present with this doa should be of tawakkal to Allah. mcm tawakkal burung that my mak usrah selalu sebut2. so it means that whatever happens to us that is beyond our control is under Allah's power and we should learn to be redha with it.

i think we usually underestimate the power of small small things we do. the thing is, small things are not at all small if they are inserted with a huge ruh! just like us, Asians, we're small but our aspirations of becoming ____________(fill in the blanks yourself) is not at all small. and just like the Palestinian kids who keeps throwing rocks at the Israeli tanks, their act of throwing stones might well be seen as something small but actually their ruh for doing it tersangat lah besar.

probably that's why Allah says org yg mati syahid sebenarnya tidak mati, tetapi hidup..jiwa mereka hidup..

dan kita pun same..boleh hidupkan jiwa..kalau kita hidup utk mati..wooo scary..which translated to a more subtle way would be hidup utk Allah dan mati utk hidup..insyaAllah.

yours truly,
NMJ

bismillah.

have you heard the old tale of the naked prince? apparently the theory of evolution is just that. interesting. such a grand theory but not many can or more precisely would be, willing to dispute.

grand of course, is not necessarily true.

one of the reasons why i luuuurrve traveling. forces me to read. Evolution Deceit by Harun Yahya.

my new boyfreyyynd..

after years of containing my infatuation towards babies, here goes..the latest picture of aqil rafiq..a.k.a peanuts

of an amygdala

salam.
greetings fellow minions. huhuhaha
Alhamdulillah the 3-days 2-nights adventure with my weird and happy housemates has come to a safe ending in our home in Bristol.

the trip in detail is not exactly of great importance, but the feelings and lessons experienced is of course, never short of noting down.

first of, was a scene from the Lion King theater in London. Simba now grown up and living in the wild was searching for something..something strange and powerful, something more than the carefree life the jungle had to offer..something even he could not entirely understand. and alas, after a few encounters with Nala, his father, and the funny-looking yellow bottomed singing monkey, he was able to muster his courage to return to Pride Rock and take his place as the King of Pride Valley.

well, why did i particularly enjoy this scene? haha, apart from all the emotions that were playing around while watching the props and actors come to life, i thought this act was very moving to me, particularly as a Muslim. the journey Simba had to go through to find his place in this world was never easy. and so it is the same with us. as we live our lives trying to make sense of living, of our role in life, of the good and evil, of our past experiences, of our Creator, we too will fumble, will get confused, afraid and outraged with uncertainty, knowing that by default we are created for something bigger than what our normal typical students life is. as Simba was destined to be the King, so are we.
didn't Allah say that humans were created to devote themselves to Allah and be khalifah's on this world?

i think every person was born with greatness. greatness for one may be regarded differently from another. nevertheless they are still good qualities that are valuable in a person. and insyaAllah, if we keep trying to better ourselves, keeping our minds open and our hearts close to Allah, He will help us in fulfilling our roles as kings. the king of our own actions (nafsu), before becoming the king and khalifah of mankind. insyaAllah.

peace out y'alls, have to catch up on my nights sleep! ^.^ wee kepoyoan lah

Flotilla

ah. sakit. sakitnya hati yang x terhingga. more than that, i'm furious!!! please click on the following link. (the latest is 20 people killed)

http://www.youtube.com/user/AlJazeeraEnglish#p/u/1/xFEBbDkyrqQ

although i've been massively side tracked from my studying to the feeling of wanting to stay in front of my laptop searching for the latest updates, we too, have our own duties to fulfill.
They are carrying out their's as best as possible. with Allah's blessing, the one's that people may think are unlucky (to die) are actually living the best lives possible in Akhirah insyaAllah.
so please my dear, do yours as well.
what's done is done. and what will be is still partly in our hands, the rest is up to Him. i'm talking in codes here. primarily referring to my exam this Friday but not to forget about the bigger picture of our ummah! this is just the beginning. so, berusaha please, Lillahita'ala.
may Allah be pleased with us, insyaAllah.
Allah, please guide the flotilla through or help them with what ever way You may, please give them the best possible outcome insyaAllah. Amin.

*may 'the murderers' burn in hell! <- okay, please pardon the vulgarity.

what would be more constructive instead is to make dua for the safety of the flotilla members and everyone involved in this campaign. and ummat Islam in general. Jom Doa! Amin!! wslm.

bismillahirrahim

hihi. looks like a catterpillar..so small~

After 8 months and 2 weeks in als' womb, Peanuts has finally made it through. Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah for this bundle of joy.

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Peliharalah dirimu dan keluargamu dari api neraka yang bahan bakarnya adalah manusia dan batu; penjaganya malaikat2 yang kasar, dan keras, yang tidak durhaka kpd Allah terhadap apa yang dia perintahkan kpd mereka & selalu mengerjakan apa yang diperintahkan" (at-Tahrim: 6)

insyaAllah, let's remind each other, that in bringing ourselves and our loved ones closer to Allah, we should always treat them dearly, with care and good manners and also with hikmah. fulfilling their haq as just as possible insyaAllah.

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Sesungguhnya di antara istri-istrimu dan anak-anakmu ada yg menjadi musuh (menjerumuskan utk melakukan perbuatan2 yg tidak dibenarkan oleh agama), maka berhati-hatilah kamu terhadap mereka; dan jika kamu maafkan dan kamu santuni serta ampuni (mereka), maka sungguh, Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang." (at-Taghabun: 14)

can't wait to go back for Summer break to see peanuts, insyaAllah. (aaaa~ my silent scream inside) ^_^

p/s: yaAllah, please help my mak usrah (as old as the term may sound, age wise, she's not that old). i hope she's coping well. berkatilah masanya dan amalnya, permudahkanlah examnya, panjangkanlah attention span utknya and kuatkanlah tubuh badannya so she can work out her plans. Amin...

bismillah.

just a short one before i'm off to class.
there are 3 things that I feel is a very worthy investment ever since i came to Bristol.

1. my sleeping bag (GBP 9)
2. my squash racket (GBP 10)
3. time that's filled with remembering Allah. (priceless)

let's get our momentum going and not waste our time today. insyaAllah.

bismillah.

i have issues. if only that could be my escape line for situations when i feel down and depressed. so when other people hear how complex-minded this certain biological life form is, they will leave me alone and not ask questions. if only...

but Allah equipped us with the physical, spiritual and mental capacities for us to change the situation into a better one, to think of ways to overcome the problems and to fight against the forces of evil. (hehe mcm star wars je, dramaticnye?) but truly, when our emotions are swayed towards the side of us that is totally unbearable, that is pessimistic and overtly intolerable (either by our own self or others), aren't those just signs of shaiton working their 'magic' on you?

while there might not be an obvious reason why we sometimes do get depressed, especially when we were in a perfectly stable condition before (in terms of imaan or ibadah or emotional state), it is actually Allah's way of reminding us of his powers. He, the Exhalted, the Most Powerful of all, can do whatever He wants whenever He wants to us, wherever we are. Making us experience, from the highest of the highs to the lowest of the lows.

Setting a reminder for us that if we become better people, if we succeed in life, if we are happy and manage to attain whatever we desire in life, it isn't because of our effort alone. and i repeat, it isn't because of us alone. there is indeed a greater power that determines our outcome. (paranoid? hehe.) yes, and that greater power that allows all things to happen is Allah's will.

so actually feeling low and depressed (though is not recommended), does help to keep our niat and iman in check. so hopefully we wouldn't become egocentric people that thinks the vast spherical far and wide world that we live in revolves around us alone. hihi

just to share an Ayat,
"Jika Allah menolong kamu mencapai kemenangan, maka tidak ada sesiapa pun yang akan dapat mengalahkan kamu. (Ali-Imran:160)

maka sayang-sayang sekalian, translated to, well my dears, the way out of this misery is indeed to correct our relationship with the King of Hearts. haha. of course Allah.

insyaAllah. mari beramal. dan tidak depressed. certainly a reminder for me. ^.^